Vaudevillain

"I don’t understand!" Dr. Zlo shouted a week later. "The Zlo figures are on the shelves, but no one is buying them! Why is no one buying them?"

"Couldn't tell ya, dude," Riptide said. "We had all sorts of advertising campaigns and made sure it was in every store."

Cass tilted his head. "I don't remember advertising?"

Riptide chuckled. "Sure we did. Don't you remember all those television commercials of Dr. Zlo, or that influencer campaign?"

"No?" Cass answered.

"Not even the grand display in the Big Apple?" Riptide continued.

Dr. Zlo snapped. "Riptide, if you're trying to make a point just get to it!"

Riptide hopped onto his surfboard, spinning away from the laser Dr. Zlo fired after. "Dude, you only made the figures. You didn't actually tell anyone about it."

"Of course not!" Dr. Zlo shot back. "If I told people the plan then the heroes would interfere!"

Riptide laughed. "What, did you think your force of personality alone would sell figurines? You aren't famous, Dr. Zlo. You're infamous. No one wants to buy a figure of a supervillain."

"Lies and slander!" Dr. Zlo said. "I have it on good authority that people love supervillains! Just ask Saul."

"Then I guess you just aren't that popular, dude," Riptide snickered.

Dr. Zlo narrowed his eyes. "Riptide, one more snide comment and I'll lock you in a room you can't surf your way out of."

Riptide laughed. "Sure you will, dude."

Dr. Zlo stamped his foot in frustration. "That's it! Prepare to face the genius of Dr. Zlo!"

"Uh, boss?" Cass interrupted.

"What?" Dr. Zlo spat.

Cass wrung his hands together. "Well, it's just, what are we going to do about Zlomas? If the figures don't sell you won't have your army. No army, no war on Christmas."

"A war?" Dr. Zlo scoffed. "Please, as if something as paltry as Christmas would make me go to war. No, this is more of a skirmish than anything."

"Regardless, hon," Mabel said. "Your plan will fail if you don't do something."

"Maybe you should pull a Krinch and steal Christmas," Riptide joked.

Dr. Zlo opened his mouth to chide Riptide, but stopped as an idea came to his head. "Stealing Christmas…"

Cass glanced around the room nervously. "Um, boss? I don't know if it's such a good idea. I've heard some nasty things about Santa Claus."

Dr. Zlo waved a hand. "Not now, Cass. I'm brooding."

The villain started to pace back and forth, muttering under his breath. Mabel and Riptide ignored him, while Cass followed behind his boss like a dutiful butler.

"Right!" Dr. Zlo exclaimed after a minute. "New plan! First, we recall the entirety of our stock, citing the usual business drivel. Second, we pack each figure into a box and wrap it with a neat bow. Third, we pack all the boxes into a sack that uses my patented storage technology. Fourth, and finally, we fly to Santa's workshop, infiltrate, and swap Santa's toy sack with my own! The jolly man won't suspect a thing as he places a Zlo figure in every home! Then, come Christmas morning, all the good boys and girls will open their presents to find my beautiful likeness. The mind control will activate, and Christmas will be no more!"

The villain threw back his head in a maniacal laugh. "It's perfect!"

"Right on, dude," Riptide said. "But where's Santa's workshop?"

"Well, not on the North Pole," Dr. Zlo said. "You can't go five feet without finding the entrance to a hideout or secret sanctum. It's a wonder no one accidentally steps into the wrong building."

"Aw man, I wanted to try shredding some powder," Riptide complained.

"Later, my villainous companion. For now, we must locate the Santa's Workshop!" Dr. Zlo said.

"How are you going to do that, boss?" Cass asked.

"By doing what I do best!" Dr. Zlo said.

"Bad plans?" Riptide sassed.

Dr. Zlo shot a laser at him. "No, you dolt. Science!"

The villain activated his power, the wonders of Mad Science appearing before him. As always, he entered what he wanted and watched as the inner machinations of his mind went to work, eventually spitting out the answer.

The Santa-Finder 9000!

Have you ever asked yourself, where in the world is that jolly man with all the presents? No? It was someone else in red? Well, no matter! This device is exactly what an aspiring Santa hunter needs! By attuning to the very essence of Christmas itself, the Santa Finder 9000! Will lock on to the good saint no matter where he might exist!

Milk 1 Glass

Cookies 1 Plate

Overplayed Song 1 CD

Cola Bottle 1

Sciencium 5 g

"Cass!" Dr. Zlo shouted. "Prepare me some milk and cookies! Mabel, head to the store and buy me a bottle of Cola! Riptide, raid Quartet's room for his Christmas CD! We have a Santa to find!"

"You got it, dude," Riptide said.

Cass and Mabel nodded, leaving to procure the materials. Dr. Zlo leaned on his cane and gave a wicked smile. "Not long now."

Dr. Zlo wasted no time in his search once his invention finished. The device, a handheld contraption that resembled a walkie talkie with dowsing rods, blinked red and green as it activated. Dr. Zlo turned with the device, stopping when the lights started to blink faster.

"It seems our jolly red giant is in this direction," Dr. Zlo said.

"Sweet," Riptide said. "Time to bag us a Santy Claus."

"Replace a bag, Riptide," Dr. Zlo corrected with a huff. "I have no need to kidnap someone when they'll do my work for me."

The villains continued small banter as they entered the Zlomobile. Dr. Zlo entered into the passenger seat this time, letting Cass drive.

"I must keep my focus on the device," he explained.

They were off once the vehicle teleported to the ground below. Dr. Zlo kept the device steady, directing Cass whenever the lights started to blink faster. The car made good time, weaving through traffic with ease. If they needed to go offroad, Cass only had to press a button and the Zlomobile would transform into a more fitting vehicle. Not even water could stop them as they traveled.

Eventually the group reached a city, the lights on the Santa Finder 9000! flashing so fast they were practically solid.

"Looks like we're getting closer," Dr. Zlo said.

"Wow, look at all these warehouses, boss," Cass said. "I bet they hold millions of toys!"

"That certainly seems to be the case," Dr. Zlo said.

"Strange, though," Mabel said with a drawl. "The elves don't seem to be happy workers."

Dr. Zlo raised an eyebrow and looked to the passing warehouses. Sure enough, elves of the Santa variety milled about with dull expressions, their bright green and red dress covered by a high-vis vest.

"Perhaps our Santa Claus is getting with the times," Dr. Zlo commented as they drove past.

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