When Immortal Ascension Fails Time Travel to Try Again

Together we passed the pill’s transforming energy through Dread Lotus’s body. When we reached her upper and lower intestines, I had to place a few needles in the right acupoints, but that cleared up the last of her major blockages.

Unfortunately, this left her covered in expelled impurities.

Maid Xiao Fan quickly took care of it by using a half dozen cleaning techniques… after I heavily encouraged her.

Once the energy from the pill finished transforming Dread Lotus’ body, she sighed. Her brows that had been scrunched in pain eased. “Yes! It’s finally over!”

I shook my head. “It’s not.”

The contented smile on her face froze. Then she glared at me. “What do you mean, ‘it’s not?’ I don’t have to go through that again, do I?!”

“We just forcefully cleared your body of impurities and transformed your weak constitution into Superior Songs Body. This is the perfect time to have your first body cultivation bath.”

Her eyes turned glossy, and she blinked as if holding back tears. “I’m exhausted. Can’t it wait a day?”

Was she trying to gain my sympathy? While cute, she wasn’t nearly as adorable as Little Spring. I was immune. “It can’t if you want to be the healthiest girl in this sect. Even as we speak, your perfectly clean meridians are developing impurities.”

I held out an energy replenishment pill. “Take this. I can give you 10 minutes to recover while your maid readies a hot bath.”

She nodded to Xiao Fan, and the woman disappeared into another room. Next, she took the pill with a cup of diluted spiritual spring water.

After closing her eyes to meditate, she asked, “So, is this bath going to be more painful or less?”

“It’ll be worse, but it won’t take as much mental effort.”

The frown on her face told me that she was very reluctant. Unfortunately for her, the expectation of a pain-free medical procedure only existed in my past-past life.

“Well, if you can’t handle the pain, I can attempt to lessen it. However, the method is experimental… and exciting.”

“Uh. So you’ve tried other… experiments?”

“Yes! Unfortunately, they practically negated the bath’s effect wasting ingredients. But don’t worry too much. I believe this attempt will work!”

After consuming Little Spring’s body cultivation meals, I knew it could be painless! For this next attempt, number 642, I wanted to keep an open mind. And do what I did best — combine different disciplines using my Unlimited Dao. Muahahaha!

Dread Lotus quickly glanced toward where her maid had left. She looked worried, as if she’d been left alone with a crazy person. But I was obviously very sane, so that couldn’t be it.

Whatever. I couldn’t let her distract me from this precious chance to experiment once more!

She quickly turned her gaze toward me and lightly slapped the side of the bed.

“Wait! Could you have used this new pain-relieving method to lessen the pain I went through earlier?!”

“Of course not!” I straightened my spine and glared. “I can’t do it and perform acupuncture simultaneously.” At least not in my current realm. “Also, don’t forget that this method is experimental.”

But it was the most promising experiment I’d ever come up with. Frankly, I wished I could have attempted it when I went through my own body cultivation bath. But I hadn’t had a high enough realm.

“Anyway, focus on replenishing your energy!”

She sent me a brief exasperated glance but returned to meditating.

After ten minutes had passed, Dread Lotus appeared to be twenty times healthier than when I’d first seen her. While she hadn’t gained any weight, she had flushed cheeks. Also, the dark circles under her eyes had disappeared.

It was time to infuse her weak body with spiritual energy to strengthen it.

Maid Xiao Fan returned and tried to help her up. She waved her off and slowly sat up by herself.

Dread Lotus stared at the ground for a solid minute. I was about to say something when she suddenly stood up.

Xiao Fan burst into tears. “Young Miss! You’re standing by yourself!”

She took a few careful steps, then quickly grew more confident and walked all the way to the room where Xiao Fan had set up the bath.

I followed after her. “Just how long have you been stuck in that bed?”

Her cheeks turned red. “An embarrassing amount of time.” Then she turned to me with determination. “What do I have to do?”

“That depends. Do you know the turtle breathing technique?”

She shook her head.

It figured.

I brought out a body cultivation bath bomb, crushed it, and sprinkled it on top of the water. Next, I poured in the rest of my diluted spiritual spring water.

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“You’re going to have to stay completely submerged. Which is why you’ll need this.” I grabbed a random spiritual bamboo straw from Little Spring’s kitchen. “You should be able to bite down on it, too.”

She took a step toward the bath, then hesitated. “I know it will be painful, but this isn’t going to kill me, right?”

I placed my hands behind my back. “Of course not. I went through this when I was just a child and I’m perfectly fine. I can guarantee that you won’t die-die.”

Her eyes narrowed. “… you said ‘die’ twice.”

“That was for emphasis. Oh!”

She jumped a bit.

I took out a jade slip and wrote up a contract. As the creator of the Dao of Paperwork, I couldn’t let Early Rise Swift Brush down, by forgetting one of the most important aspects of it — covering my own ass. “Since this is an experiment, you need to give your consent and waive your right to hold me liable if this goes horribly wrong. Not that it will. Just sign this with your spiritual signature.”

Her uncles and aunts were so high up in the fucking sect that I wasn’t taking any chances.

I handed her the jade slip.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

After reviewing the consent and waiver documents, she hesitated. Her eyes focused and her jaw tightened.

“Alright. Let’s do this.”

She tossed me the signed jade slip and then jumped into the bath. Which was when I split my mind in two and used one part to keep track of every second that passed and her reactions.

I was going to have her experience the full pain of the bath first as the control group. Once I’d figured out how much time she could stand in the bath without pain relief, I would know how effective this weird-ass type of pseudo-anesthetic was. Highly necessary information since this would be my first time using it like this.

Dread Lotus was too light and bobbed to the surface. To help her out, I used my spiritual energy to force her down, careful to keep her straw above the water so she could breathe.

She started thrashing.

::Stop that. You’ll only make it harder on yourself.::

::Ow!::

::I’ll keep you safe. Just endure it!::

::Shut up! I am!::

::Then do it until you pass out.:: For science!

She opened her eyes, discovered that the bath was improving them, and took advantage of it for a second before closing them... Or she realized that glaring at me while inside a body cultivation bath was a stupid, pain-filled idea that shouldn’t be repeated. Whichever.

She crossed her arms but managed to stop herself from moving too much. Her brows were furrowed and her knuckles had turned white. She appeared to be using fury to overcome the pain.

Huh. This reminded me of all the times I gleefully helped my friend’s students with their body cultivation baths. So many of them uselessly plotted revenge only to bow down in thanks once they discovered that I’d saved them a decade of hard work.

If this experiment succeeded, and those muscle heads were born in this life, I could finally increase their cultivation without all the pain.

Actually, my hypothesis for this experiment was so simple that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered it in my past life. Then again, after my friend and her students didn’t survive the war with the demonic cultivators, I hadn’t had a reason to give a shit about returning to that research.

But this was a different timeline with new opportunities!

For instance, my current hypothesis. It came down to this: If I could use a rock song with an anesthesia-like effect that prevented the mind from receiving any pain signals, then the bath would still be effective.

The next part of this experiment was choosing the right song.

I had briefly considered a pain-distancing ballad loosely inspired by Tool’s Parabola. Unfortunately, while it was very effective, Fairy Bright Tone had created it to slowly numb someone so they could be attacked in secret. This meant that it worked too slowly. We didn’t have time for that.

Instead, I decided on a song that Red Ears Sound Wave wrote influenced by a rock cover of Em Beihold’s Numb Little Bug. Its lyrics were too on the nose when looking at Dread Lotus’s whole situation, but it had the best and fastest effect.

Bubbles escaped from Dread Lotus’s mouth. At 257 seconds, she passed out.

She had also stopped breathing.

Xiao Fan stared at me in horror. “Oh my g—”

“That line is going to get old fast if you keep saying it.”

Using my spiritual energy, I pulled the girl out of the bath. Next, I fed her a healing dan and used my divine sense to put pressure on her lungs. She coughed up a mouthful of water and started breathing again.

A groan escaped her. “Is it over?”

“We’re just beginning.”

“I really hate you.”

“A wise body cultivator once said, without pain, there is no gain. But I think that since you can’t take the pain, then let’s attempt my rock anesthesia method!!” If this succeeded, I might even name it after her.

“Do whatever you want if you can prevent me from feeling that!”

I turned to the maid. “I need you to keep her underwater.”

The wide-eyed woman pressed her hand against her heart. “I could never help drown Miss Dread Lotus!”

Dread Lotus gritted her teeth. “Xiao Fan, just do it. While I feel terrible, I can tell that I’m stronger than I have been in years! Whatever Sister Linlin is doing to me, it’s working.” She grinned. “Besides, this much water can’t hurt a lotus.”

“Oh, young miss!” Xiao Fan hesitated for a second but picked up her mistress with spiritual energy and held her above the bath.

I put a new bamboo straw between her lips and brought out my guitar. As soon as I played the first chord, I said, “Do it!”

Dread Lotus dropped into the water.

I increased my volume so it could be heard underwater. The heavy music flowed through the room, causing the dust on the highest shelves to fall off. That was when I sang lyrics that emphasized the feeling of being mentally numb while using metaphors and poetry to show the lack of feeling.

Meanwhile, Dread Lotus calmly floated. Her brows appeared relaxed. It was definitely working! Muahahaha!

Unfortunately, I could only know if this anesthesia had any negative side effects on the efficacy of the bath once it finished.

After 968 seconds, Dread Lotus passed out. Xiao Fan pulled her from the water while I flicked another pill into her mouth.

She woke up again, awkwardly pulled her wet hair off her face, and threw it behind her. Her eyes locked on mine.

I recognized that expression. The body cultivation students always had it while they were in the middle of their bath. The ‘I want to respectfully strangle Senior Lin’ stare.

“Why, out of all the things you could sing me, are you playing a song that includes lyrics about barely breathing and sinking?”

I shrugged. “What? It’s keeping you numb, right?”

She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it. “How much longer?”

I grinned. “Until the bathwater isn’t effective anymore.”

Her jaw tightened. “How old were you when you went through this?”

“Nine or ten.” Physically, anyway. “And I didn’t have any anesthetic.”

She ground her teeth. “I’m not going to lose to a child, especially now that the pain doesn’t bother me… Continue!”

It was good to see her indomitable will return.

Dread Lotus and Xiao Fan met me out in the courtyard after changing out of their wet clothes.

“So, how is your transformed, strong, and healthy body?”

“Making me torn between worshiping you as an ancestor or punching you.”

“Consolidating your body cultivation isn’t a bad idea! And it would help me judge if the pain-numbing music diluted the bath’s effect too much.”

“Wait, really?”

“You may try to hit me.” For science! Muahahaha!

Her jaw dropped.

“To make it fair, I’ll reduce the strength I use to match yours and only block you with one hand.”

“Are you sure?”

Before I could finish nodding, she dashed forward to punch my face. I used Impossible Leap to dodge slightly and two fingers to redirect her strike.

We exchanged a few more simple strikes as I gauged her strength. She increased the intensity she hit with each attack.

When she tried to knee my stomach, I caught it against my palm. I had to do some mental math and consider her original cultivation level before I could settle on an answer to the effects the song had on the bath’s effect. Unfortunately, she attempted to sucker punch me while I was in the middle of doing calculations. To block her, I pushed her knee back. I accidentally used more strength than necessary and sent her flying across the courtyard.

She crashed into a wall, creating a large indent. Her body froze with her eyes wide open.

“Young miss!” Xiao Fan ran over to her.

Dread Lotus suddenly burst out laughing. “I... I’m fine!”

She jumped out of the hole she’d created. Xiao Fan handed her a handkerchief which she used to wipe at the corner of her watery eyes.

Xiao Fan blinked back tears. “The young miss is cured, and is stronger than the average demonic musician!”

Dread Lotus nodded and briefly patted the maid’s head.

The conclusion of this experiment… it fucking worked! Dread Lotus now had body cultivation equivalent to the sixth layer of Qi Condensation.

While I would have to test it out on more people to be absolutely positive, I had created the first almost entirely pain-free cultivation bath in existence! And more importantly, I’d probably saved Dread Lotus’s life.

The two walked up to me.

Xiao Fan bowed. “This servant thanks Fairy Linlin for curing Miss Dread Lotus!”

She was a really loyal maid.

“Well, Of course I cured her. I said I would.”

Dread Lotus chuckled. “Sister Linlin! You’ve made a friend for life. Thank you for… everything. Let me know if you’re ever in trouble and I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”

I clasped my hands behind my back. “As my friend, you don’t need to thank me. Just come to our first practice in four days.” I’d need that long to make a peak earth rank drum set.

“I will! I’m looking forward to it.” She paused for a moment and tilted her head as she looked at me. “By the way, let me know if you’d like to introduce you to my uncle—“

I coughed.

“—or any other poison master. I’m sure they’d love to discuss the Dao with such a brilliant alchemist.”

Shit. While I didn’t regret it, healing her might have been too high profile for a spy like me.

Whatever. It should be fine since only the three of us saw everything.

I clasped my hands behind my back. “Of course they would. I am a genius.”

She nodded very seriously. “And I will never forget that as long as I live.”

“But I am only in Foundation Establishment. I wouldn’t want to bring too much attention to myself.”

This was still a Xianxia world where assholes at the top would kill talented young disciples just to prevent them from threatening their position in the future.

Dread Lotus wasn’t an idiot. She nodded. “I understand. I’ll keep your identity a secret as much as I can.”

“Sister Lin!” A secret sound transmission from Little Spring hit my eardrums. He didn’t sound good. “I need—” He cut off.

Fuck. “I have to leave.”

Dread Lotus’s brows scrunched with concern, but she gestured for me to hurry.

I pulled out my flying sword and stepped on it while sending the kid a few sound transmissions, asking for his location. There was no response.

How could I find out where he was? The sect was too big to use my handicapped divine sense. Using the space and suddenly appearing next to him would be too noticeable. And I wasn’t sure if I had enough time to hide somewhere so I could ask the little golden dragon.

Wait! He was with that idiot, Little Teasing Mouse.

“Where is Senior Verdant Spring?”

“Wu wu wu! Little Linlin! Come quick! The Poison Master says he’s not going to make it.”

Motherfucker! What did that goddamned protagonist get into all by himself? “Where are you?”

“I-I’ll give you directions. Just hurry before he’s gone.”

Gone?! What the fuck did she mean by ‘gone’?!

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