Vaudevillain

“Okay, new gadgets,” Dylan said. “I guess the question is what do I have right now?”

“Laser monocle, top hat drone, robot gloves, magic cane, and your button bombs I think,” Jack said.

“That can’t be it, can it?” Dylan asked. “I swear I’ve used more than that.”

“Sure, but not consistently,” Jack said. “And to be fair you probably don’t want too much variety anyway. There’s only so much you can keep track of.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Dylan said.

“I bet my powers could combine your top hat and gloves,” Jack said. “And while your laser is strong it’s kinda slow.”

“It has to be slow,” Dylan countered. “If it was fast my foes couldn’t see their death coming.”

Jack chuckled. “Yeah, alright. What about changing the cane again? Maybe add different spells? Or make it use one strong one. You never really use your disintegration ability.”

“It’s too slow compared to everything else,” Dylan said. “Most of the time I’m reacting to something and turning the tables thanks to some brilliant invention.”

“What if we lean into that?” Jack asked. “What’s a weapon that seems slow but unstoppable when it goes off?”

“A time bomb,” Dylan said.

“Something more pointed and less destructive.”

Dylan shrugged. “Not sure off the top of my head. A steamroller?”

“Then lets go the opposite direction,” Jack said. “What if you made gadgets that worked fast but did little in the way of damage? Like your shrink ray or the gender bender gun. The goal would be to disorient and then you can have your minions clean up.”

“Or other villains,” Dylan mused.

“And if we combined a few of your inventions with my power you could probably get a strong enough minion,” Jack said. “And a smart enough one too.”

“I see one problem with that,” Dylan said. “If we make this creation there is, in no uncertain terms, a hundred percent chance that this minion turns on us.”

“Oh?”

Dylan continued. “It’s villain law. If we make a Frankenstein’s monster then said monster will eventually turn on us while we scream, ‘you will obey me for I am your creator!’”

“Hasn’t happened with any of your other minions,” Jack pointed out. “And Quartet doesn’t count. You made him to do that.”

“Well, the Jacques are your generic mook, nowhere near individual enough,” Dylan said. “And then Cass, Mabel, and the others hold leadership roles. What we make would be a grunt that we send out to fight our battles.”

Jack pouted. “Fine, scratch the monster idea.”

“I like the idea of disorienting weapons though,” Dylan said. “I could easily see it fitting with the theme. Shrink rays, hypnotizing monocles, maybe a device that turns your knees and elbows around.”

Jack winced at the last one. “That sounds nasty.”

“There wouldn’t be any pain,” Dylan said. “Just a sudden realization that your knees are bending backward.”

Dylan thought about it. “Actually, I’m surprised I haven’t heard of someone doing it before.”

“That’s because no on else has your sick and twisted mind,” Jack teased. “What about time stasis bubbles or something?”

“Ooh, I like that,” Dylan said. “I bet it would need a lot of Phlebotinium though.”

“Or more Sciencium than a person knows what to do with?” Jack asked innocently.

Dylan laughed. “Okay, you got me there. I do have a lot of it just sitting around in storage containers.”

“Speaking of, did you see the upcoming patch notes leak?” Jack asked.

Dylan shook his head.

“They’re making it so you can only have two active characters at a time,” Jack said.

Dylan raised an eyebrow. “Like, we can only make two characters?”

“No, you can still make as many as you want,” Jack said. “But passive effects like Sciencium generation won’t work on inactive characters. So no more stacking mad scientists to get an infinite supply of materials.”

“I mean, fair,” Dylan said. “We did kind of break that.”

“I’m more surprised that they came up with an intelligent fix,” Jack joked. “I was sure our whole, ‘shoot the moon and d*mn the consequences’ would mean a total rehaul of your power.”

“Well, good thing it wasn’t then,” Dylan said. “Speaking of rehaul. What if I made my monocle a power drainer? One hit doesn’t drain a lot, but it makes it more costly for you to use your power until its impossible to activate.”

“Ooh, I like that,” Jack said. “Combine that with those time slow button bombs and you get a nasty combo.”

Dylan smiled. “Yeah, I like that. I’ll have to make sure it works on everything though. Gotta make sure Apollo isn’t just immune.”

“Right right,” Jack said. “You should add the draining powers on your dueling gloves too. Stack up the debuffs.”

Dylan thought about it. “Maybe. It might be better to have the gloves and hat do something else. Try and keep each invention a separate thing?”

“Up to you,” Jack said. “You’re the evil mastermind.”

“If the gloves don’t slow or drain, maybe they can do something stranger,” Dylan said.

“Like?” Jack asked.

“Like they have a stacking damage buff,” Dylan said. “Every successive hit adds a bit more damage so the longer the fight goes the more effective they are.”

“And that makes them a target that can’t be ignored, giving you a chance to set up other inventions or fire with your power drainer,” Jack said. “Nice.”

She snapped her fingers. “Oh! To complete the thing you should have the hat’s attacks do a portion of missing health as damage! That way you can use it as a surprise finisher if everything else is taken.”

“This is just a ‘hats off to you’ joke, isn’t it?” Dylan asked bemusedly.

Jack shook her head and chuckled. “No, I was thinking about what you’d need to win fights, not the theme you’d go with.”

“Well, you’ve sold me on the idea,” Dylan said. “Executioner’s hat it is.”

“I love that name,” Jack said.

Dylan smiled. “Okay, give me one moment to put all this together and then we can start getting the parts.”

“We planning to go after the parts ourselves or buy them?” Jack asked.

Dylan shrugged. “I mean, we’ve got time to go ourselves, but Dr. Zlo wouldn’t head out for the small stuff. I can just send Mabel and the Jacques for that.”

“True,” Jack admitted. “Big stuff only, then?”

“As long as its in an interesting place,” Dylan said. “If it’s in some lab, I’ll pass. Dr. Zlo’s robbed too many labs already.”

Jack snorted. “It’s a superhero world. Every advanced science material is in a lab somewhere.”

“Not all of them,” Dylan countered. “Some are held by private collectors in remote locations that no one else should have access to.”

“Well, you do you,” Jack said. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to use my power on some of your other inventions while you work.”

“Be my guest,” Dylan said. “Just maybe don’t use the Jacques? I’m not sure what would happen if you started combining robots.”

“Well there went my first idea,” Jack said lightly.

Dylan chuckled as he opened his power tab while Jack moved toward the corner of the room where he kept random materials that the Jacques brought back every once and a while on excursions. The screen appeared in front of him, masking his vision.

He typed in his first idea, the power draining monocle. It took a few iterations to get it right considering how specific he wanted the invention to be, but eventually the AI figured it out.

Power-Draining Monocle!

An evil device invented by the fiendish Dr. Zlo! This terrible invention fires a thin laser filled with the villain’s patented Zloquasars! These particles will soak the target upon making contact with anything magical, super, or generally all around exceptional, neutering a portion of its power for a duration! With enough Zloquasars a foe will be rendered completely mundane! Unable to call forth the strength that makes them heroic!

Zlonium (5g)

Pocket Particle Collider (1)

Shield (1)

Monocle (1)

Phlebotinium (1g) or Sciencium (100g)

“Hey Jack?” Dylan asked.

“Mhm?” Jack answered.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a pocket particle collider around, would you?” he continued.

“No, the need to quantumly measure something is surprisingly something that doesn’t come up that often,” Jack answered.

“Well, that’s definitely one thing we’re going to have to either make or find,” Dylan said. “The monocle needs it.”

“I bet all your inventions are going to need something like that,” Jack pointed out.

“Probably,” Dylan admitted.

He turned back to his power tab, entering in the time stop button bombs.

Dilly-Dally Detonators!

A truly dastardly invention by the great Dr. Zlo! These fiendish devices, when detonated, craft a bubble of pure slow in the vicinity! Those caught inside will find their speed reduced and abilities slowed! Yes! It is as everything inside is procrastinating on a school research paper!

Assignment Deadline (1)

Button (1)

Handheld Particle Accelerator (1)

Lazy Excuse (1)

Phlebotinium (1) or Sciencium (100g)

Dylan snickered at his joke on the end. Even if no one else was going to see it he still got a kick out of it.

“We’ll need a handheld particle accelerator too,” he told Jack.

“Good thing they come as a two for one special,” Jack joked.

“We’ll figure something out, I’m sure,” Dylan answered.

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