Vaudevillain

Dylan pulled the Zlomobile off to the side of the parking lot, checking again to make sure he’d retrieved everything he and Jack needed. The clothes for the new Dr. Zlo line were in his inventory. Stacks upon stacks of black suits, pants, top hats, and more lay in their perfect squares.

“Forget anything else?” Jack asked.

“No, we’re good,” Dylan said. “You ready to knock their socks off?”

“Ready to do that and replace them with the official Dr. Zlo branded merch,” Jack said with a smile.

Dylan popped the Zlomobile’s door open then swung around to open it for Jack.

“My lady,” he said with his best Dr. Zlo voice.

“Oh, you’re too kind,” Jack answered, her voice taking on a higher pitch.

Dr. Zlo moved to the back of the car and popped the trunk, activating the Jacques-a-pult. The machine sputtered to life, launching a bevy of the faceless minions onto the pavement. They grew in moments, stretching out like Olympic athletes warming up for an event. One started running in place, ready to take on the world.

“You lot!” Dr. Zlo shouted. “Our target today is the Aged Suede store at the end of the lot here! I want you to go in and remove all the clothing off their shelves! It is time for the world to learn of a superior sense of fashion!”

The Jacques made various nods and salutes to their leader before marching off in unison. Once they reached the doors, they decided as one to enact the worst of Black Friday sales events. They rushed forward as a single unit, pushing past the NPCs walking out and clogging up the doors as they attempted to push and shove past each other.

Eventually, one or two Jacques were able to squeeze in, and they instantly went on a rampage. Two security guards attempted to stop the incoming tide, but a Jacques somehow got ahold of a purse and swung it upside the head of the guards. The Jacques then clutched the bag close to their chest like an old lady that didn’t quite know what just happened.

The other Jacques all rushed past, grabbing shopping carts and baskets. Some jumped in the carts like children, pointing around at the various clothes and demanding to see them. Others made a beeline for various garments, grabbing entire bundles and tossing them in. Others just ran along the sides of the shelves with an outstretched arm, pushing everything into their respective carts.

“Yes, excellent!” Dr. Zlo cackled. “Remove the offending overwear from their perches so that I! Dr. Zlo! Can sell a snazzier brand of clothing!”

“Ah, it does a body good to witness all this chaos,” Ms. Tama said. She placed a hand on her cheek. “If only my late husband could see it now. I’m sure his heart would jump right out of his chest!”

“Indeed?” Dr. Zlo asked. “He seems like a rather apprehensive fellow.”

“Oh no, he always loved the little frights,” Ms. Tama recalled. “’Tama, you’ll be the death of me!’ he would say. Oh, he had such a way with words.”

Ms. Tama leaned over to Dr. Zlo. “It was such a shame that his heart gave out on his birthday. He did so look forward to my surprises.”

“Well, perhaps you can act toward his memory,” Dr. Zlo said. “I feel the people here need a bit of a shocking!”

“I have just the idea!” Ms. Tama said.

She sauntered over to one of the many streetlights placed around the parking lot, her hand glowing. A gentle caress against the metal pole saw it wilt under her. She walked along the length of the pole until she reached the lightbulb. Her other glowing hand reached for it, pushing aside the cover to retrieve the bulb.

She yanked it out, a length of electric wire coming out with it. Ms. Tama grabbed the cords and twisted, pulling them into a humanoid shape sitting underneath a lightbulb head. When she seemed satisfied, she patted the creature on the head and pointed toward the Aged Suede building.

“Good dear, some customers inside are in need of your illuminating presence. Would you kindly show them an exciting time?”

The lightbulb dinged on and the creature stood. Electricity sparked out of the wires, wrapping around the frame like a protective suit. A keening buzz echoed through the lot as the creature turned and stumbled forward toward the building.

“Oh look, he’s already learned to walk,” Ms. Tama said. “They grow up so fast.”

“Indeed,” Dr. Zlo answered.

The two watched as the Jacques continued to tear into the clothing store while Ms. Tama’s lighbulb monster lumbered forward. A line of cop cars appeared, forming a perimeter around the store. At first, the NPC guards only focused on the inside of the store, shouting for the Jacques to stop their crimes and turn themselves in. That changed when the monster walked between the cars.

“Jesus Christ!” one of the guards shouted. “What is that thing?”

The lightbulb acting as a head flickered as it turned to look at the NPCs. It tilted its head curiously at the cops, then at the cars next to it. The lightbulb brightened and the creature reached down for the car.

The guards opened fire, pulling out simple pistols in an attempt to eliminate the threat they saw. The creature felt nothing, its electric skin sending the bullets flying away from it. Many struck the Aged Suede sign, cracking some of the lights.

“Oh look he’s found a toy,” Ms. Tama said.

The lightbulb monster wrapped a set of wires around the car and heaved the entire thing into the air. This was too much for some of the cops. They ran from the sight, scared out of their minds.

“Well, isn’t that rude of them,” Ms. Tama said.

“Quite right!” Dr. Zlo announced. “We shall have to tell them off! Come!”

Dr. Zlo took to the skies, rocketing forward on his boots and hovering over the guards. “Hello future subjects! It is I! Dr. Zlo! Good Evening!”

“Oh god!” one of the guards shouted, Dr. Zlo’s reputation preceding him. “Someone get the heroes on the line!”

“No need for that!” Dr. Zlo said. “I am not here to cause trouble! In fact, I am here to liberate you from your boring day to day humdrum!”

The guards ignored him, many outright fleeing or hiding behind their cars. The lightbulb monster spun in place, a humming noise akin to a car engine buzzing from it.

“Now, now! No need to act like this!” Dr. Zlo shouted. “You see, I bring gifts!”

Dr. Zlo pulled sets of suits out of his inventory and tossed them to the NPCs.

“I have noticed that many my future subjects dress in such drab and ill fitting clothing. Fear not! I have remedied this! What you see before you are my patented ZloClothes! You’ll find they are breathable, light, but suspiciously good at keeping you warm. They are also adroit at keeping you cool in the summer! Yes! With ZloClothes you’ll never need another set of clothes! Which is why I have taken the liberty of removing such offending garments from the shelves. No need to thank me.”

“Where are the heroes?!” shouted a guard that looked like every grizzled sergeant ever.

“Ten seconds out sir!” one of the guards shouted.

The NPCs all visibly relaxed, just in time to hear a rocking blues tune far off in the distance.

“Who dares to play such an inopportune tune?!” Dr. Zlo shouted.

A blur landed in the mix of cops with a bluesy strum. Another strum blasted the dust away, revealing a blue skinned alien with a pompadour and a bright white rhinestone suit. Pointed ears twitched in different directions, as if taking in the situation. A rhinestone guitar hung on a strap around the hero’s neck.

“Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,” he said.

“It’s the M’emph’is Flash!” one of the cops yelled. “We’re saved!”

“Alright everybody,” M’emph’is Flash said. “How y’all doin’ tonight?”

“And who are you supposed to be?” Dr. Zlo demanded.

“Why, nothing more than a simple singer from outer space dedicated to bringing rock and blues to the world,” M’emph’is Flash said. The hero strummed his guitar as if to emphasize his words. “I heard tell of a ruckus going on at my favorite clothing store and decided to hold an impromptu concert.”

Dr. Zlo scoffed. “If you believe a simple concert will be enough to stop my genius, think again!”

The villain’s monocle glowed a sharp blue as he shot his laser. M’emph’is Flash brought his guitar up and strummed. The simple chord echoed out in a wave that somehow completely negated the incoming laser.

“Impossible!” Dr. Zlo shouted.

The hero winked at the guards, causing many to blush. “Let’s leave the light show for a little later, alright?”

M’emph’is Flash fingered a complex melody, which sent him moving past Dr. Zlo in a blur of light. He stopped in front of the store, his hand ready to strum a series of chords.

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