Vaudevillain

“So, what are we waiting for again, boss?” Cass asked.

“I told you Cass, we’re meeting someone,” Dr. Zlo said. “I’ve received a message from a new villain who wishes to subserve themselves under me!”

“I don’t think subserve is a word, boss,” Cass replied.

“Which is why I am the genius and you are the butler,” Dr. Zlo said. “Because you should know that words are merely a construct for me to elaborate upon my greatness!”

“I mean, sure boss,” Cass said. “But that still isn’t explaining much.”

“Cass, if you keep on this train of conversation I shall be forced to leave you out of our excursion,” Dr. Zlo said.

“Don’t do that, boss!” Cass shouted.

“Then be quiet and wait patiently!” Dr. Zlo commanded.

Cass zipped his mouth shut, letting Dr. Zlo go back to his brooding wait. On the inside, Dylan couldn’t wait to see the character that Jack had come up with. She always had a habit of surprising him with something.

A sleek black Oldsmobile crept up the street toward Dr. Zlo’s mansion. White walled tires crunched across the pavement, grinding into the street with somehow more sound than Dr. Zlo expected. It almost sounded like a screeching animal of some kind.

The vehicle stopped in front of the mansion, the door mournfully creaking open. A long, slender white leg in a long dark dress stepped out. It turned, jumping to kick the door open some more to let the other passenger inside out.

“Ah, Dr. Zlo, so nice to finally meet you,” said a low voice. Her face was shadowed by the darkness inside the door, but Dr. Zlo could at least see her dark dress and long dark heels.

“It seems you have me at a disadvantage,” Dr. Zlo said with a squint.

“Oh, forgive me, my manners are absolutely horrific sometimes,” the woman said. She stepped out of the vehicle, revealing a pale white face flanked with straight black hair. Bright red lips tilted upward in a dangerous smile that matched her dark eyes. “Ms. Tama is the name. Mistress of the dark and all things terrifying.”

She stepped out of the vehicle, letting the animated leg hop back in and loop its toe around the handle to close the door. The Oldsmobile creaked off, a soul sucking horn sounding as it turned the corner.

“I’ve just arrived to the neighborhood and was told that you were the person to talk to about all things terrific and awful,” Ms. Tama said.

Cass grabbed Dr. Zlo’s sleeve. “I don’t like this boss. She gives me the willies.”

“Then you can take your willies with you and leave us for a moment,” Dr. Zlo said. He turned to Ms. Tama. “I apologize for my butler. He is easily disturbed.”

Ms. Tama’s smile sharpened. “Poor thing. I have a draught of disturb-me-not in my bag. If he isn’t opposed I can ensure he is,” Ms. Tama paused for dramatic effect, “never again plagued with such notions.”

“Perhaps another time!” Dr. Zlo announced. “For you see, you have caught me at an inopportune moment! I was about to embark on my newest scheme. One of intimidating proportions!”

“I love intimidation,” Ms. Tama said. “If you permit me, I would accompany you to see how inspiringly intimidating you can be.”

Dr. Zlo thrust out his chest. “I see no reason to refuse another who so obviously wishes to witness my greatness! Very well! Come, let us be off!”

The villain called forth the Zlomobile, moving to the passenger side to open the door for his companion. She gave a grateful thanks and stepped in. Cass moved toward the driver’s seat, but Dr. Zlo stopped him.

“Not this time, Cass,” the villain said. “I must show our new companion my skills in all things! You should stay here and hold down the fort.”

“But boss!” Cass cried out.

“You dare to argue with me?” Dr. Zlo asked.

“Of course not, boss,” Cass said. “I only wanted—“

“What you want is irrelevant!” Dr. Zlo said. “Now, be off!”

Cass sulked and stepped away, leaving Dylan and Jack alone in the car as it drove off.

“So, Ms. Tama?” Dylan asked.

“Some inspiration from your naming scheme,” Jack said, her voice back to its usual timbre. “Tama means dark, or dark related I think. Either way I thought it fitting.”

“So what other inspiration is there?” Dylan asked. “Because if I didn’t know better I’d say you’re a vampire.”

“Oh much better than that!” Jack said. “I found these really old videos of sitcoms with a whole family of monsters. They were all dark humor and such. I knew I had to do something with it when I saw them. Ms. Tama is a lover of all things macabre and has powers related to it.”

“Is that why you had a severed leg as a servant?” Dylan asked.

“That and one of the shows had a disembodied hand as the butler,” Jack said. “So I just picked a different body part and went with it.”

“I love it,” Dylan said. “So is the power some kind of necromancy?”

“More like Frankensteinomancy,” Jack said.

“Bless you,” Dylan joked.

Jack gave him a small shove. “Ms. Tama can animate objects she puts together, but they all end up having a slightly morbid feel to them. Like I can bring a doll to life but it’ll always have a cracked eye and a stare that pierces deep into your soul. Or if I try and make a robot for cutting trees it’s hands become chainsaws dripping with red oil.”

“No blood?” Dylan asked.

“It’s a robot, how’s it going to get blood?” Jack countered.

“Because you gave it life with superpowers,” Dylan countered back. “Superpowers can do practically anything.”

“I stand by my reasoning,” Jack said.

“Okay,” Dylan laughed. “So Ms. Tama makes new servants out of objects but they all end up scary.”

“She thinks its cute,” Jack said. “And doesn’t see why people don’t find her creations the most adorable things ever.”

“Ha! Now that’s fun,” Dylan said. “Is that why she’s a villain?”

“Totally,” Jack said. “She made a teddy bear for a rich kid’s birthday party once. When it came to life it scared the parents stiff and they called the heroes. That got her labeled as a villain and she hasn’t really worked hard to correct it.”

“I love it,” Dylan said. “I can’t wait to see what we get up to together.”

“I was thinking about that,” Jack said. “What do you think about loaning me some Jacques? Or parts of them? I’ll put them all together into a new minion or something that ends up escaping containment and terrorizing the city.”

“And we work together to take it down?” Dylan asked.

“Or let the heroes do it while you announce how many more you have in the wings if they don’t meet your demands,” Jack said.

“Sounds like fun,” Dylan said. “We’ll have to try it out.”

“After everything else though yeah?” Jack asked.

Dylan nodded. “Probably got a bit too much on our plates right now.”

He pressed a button on the car dash and let the Zlomobile teleport them to the closest clothing store. The vehicle popped out of existence, appearing moments later in a parking lot near the store in question.

Jack leaned out the window to look at the sign. “Tyke’s Tights? I don’t think we want to rob a children’s store.”

“Why would the game even had a kid’s clothing store?” Dylan complained.

“Why do games have anything?” Jack mused.

“Don’t you get philosophical with me,” Dylan said with a side-eye.

Jack wiggled her eyebrows. “Oh? Have I found a weakness to the famous Dr. Zlo?”

“Boring philosophy is a weakness of half the population,” Dylan said. “It’s hardly special.”

He opened up the map function and looked for the nearest apparel store that met his criteria and reactivated the teleporter. The vehicle appeared in another parking lot next to a large department store. A bright sign flickered the name ‘Aged Suede’ at Dylan and Jack.

“This looks more like it,” Dylan said. “Alright, now to make sure we have enough minions and materials and then we can be on our way.”

It was then Dylan realized that he’d forgotten to get all the new clothes from Cass before he dismissed him. With a sigh, he turned to Jack.

“I forgot to get the clothes.”

Jack broke out in chuckles. “I was wondering how long it would take for you to remember.”

“Yeah yeah, laugh at my pain,” Dylan said. He reactivated the teleporter with a huff.

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