Vaudevillain

D.Black:

I think you should go with the magic metal idea. There’s a village, leftover from the necromancer expansion, that has a magic metal used for communicating with the gods. It would likely be very useful for your new companion.

Superfan39526:

I don’t know. Seems kind of derivative.

D.Black:

Think of it this way. Rough appears at the small village, demands the metal. The villagers ask why, and he just says, I’mma eat it.

Dylan snorted.

Superfan39526:

Alright, you’ve convinced me.

“So, what did our resident know-it-all say?” Jack asked.

Dylan turned. “There’s a village nearby that has some leftover magic metal from the whole necromancer expansion,” Dylan said. “Dextra suggests taking that because the village would be like, ‘why do you want our precious item?” And Rough gets to say, ‘I’mma eat it.’”

Oro chuckled. “Okay, that sounds great. Let’s do it.”

“Heck yeah, dudes!” Riptide laughed. “Time to eat some dirt!”

Sweet Dream just shook her head.

“So, where is this village?” Jack asked.

Dylan looked back at his messages, clicking the map point Dextra had sent. “Somewhere in the wilderness, past the city of Cartis.”

“How close can we teleport?” Oro asked.

“With Skyline’s tech, probably right outside the city at this point,” Jack said. “Of course, that’s only if they don’t have some kind of blocker in place.”

“A small town like that? What are the odds?” Sweet Dream asked.

Oro and Dylan made a face.

Dylan looked at his friend. “You do realize you’ve jinxed us, right?”

“Yeah,” Oro said. “Now the odds are going to be 100%.”

“Everyone knows that when you say something like, what are the odds, you incur the wrath of probability,” Dylan continued.

“Thus making it happen,” Oro finished.

Sweet Dream rolled her eyes. “Nerds.”

“But wouldn’t explaining things lower the odds again?” Jack asked. “To keep you on your toes.”

“I don’t ascribe to that notion,” Dylan said, standing. “Once the words are spoken, reality is altered.”

The rest stood as well, following Dylan to the teleporters.

“So, what happens if you’re wrong?” Jack asked.

“Dr. Zlo is never wrong,” Dylan joked. “He’s just not always right.”

“That’s not how that works,” Sweet Dream said.

The five continued to banter until the reached the teleporter rooms. The grand area was even more crowded than the heroes guild, but moved at a much faster pace. Players stood in a single line that wrapped around the area, moving forward every second until they reached the front. Once there, Dylan and the rest moved to the closest open teleport, entered their coordinates, and were on their way.

Dylan’s vision, filled with people and technology, replaced itself with greenery. Lush jungle expanded from all sides, housing a cacophony of chattering sounds. A fine mist crawled along the ground, masking the underbrush.

“Told you we’d teleport outside the city,” Oro said.

“Well, the ambiance is top notch I’ll give it that,” Sweet Dream said, choosing to ignore the rib. “Too wet for my taste though.”

“Dudes, check it out!” Riptide said.

The others turned to see the surfer on his board, lazily surfing the mist. Riptide caught one of the small whorls of mist, using it to perform a barrel roll.

Sweet Dream rolled her eyes.

“Riptide, we have no time for such frivolities,” Dr. Zlo chided. “We’re here under contract for Rough, who is so graciously paying us.”

“You were supposed to come disguised as my underlings, I thought,” Rough mumbled.

“Dudes, I knew we forgot something,” Riptide laughed.

Dr. Zlo tapped his cane. “And hide my magnificent visage? Nay!”

Inwardly, Dylan apologized to Oro. In their excitement, they’d forgotten a part of their plan. They would have to make it up to him some other way.

“Too late now,” Jack said, adopting a stern voice. “Besides, a small village like this won’t have a way to contact the outside world. You won’t be seen working with us.”

Rough pretended to grumble a bit before looking at Dr. Zlo.

“So, which way is this secret city?” the villain asked.

Dylan opened his map, turning in the direction of his marker. “This way.”

Dr. Zlo took a step forward, his boot sinking into the mud. The villain made a face before yanking his boot free with a nasty squelch.

Riptide popped the visor on his helmet. “Dudes! Is this what I think it is?”

“Something utterly disgusting and vile?” Dr. Zlo asked.

“No! Quicksand!” Riptide squealed. “All the old shows said quicksand would be everywhere but I never found any. Now my childhood is proven right!”

Riptide’s voice echoed through the forest, silencing the surrounding wildlife.

Sweet Dream turned to look at her companion. “I swear to god, if your excitement just woke up some kind of King-Kong motherf*cker I am drowning you in chocolate.”

“Dude, kinky,” Riptide said.

Sweet Dream blushed deep red and opened her mouth to swear. A roar drowned out the words. Everyone turned to see a large, scaled monster crash through the trees to meet them. Two slitted eyes stared at them in anger and contempt as a brutish row of teeth below revealed themselves. Everyone jumped back in surprise as they stared down a dinosaur.

“Wait,” Sweet Dream said. “That’s completely inaccurate! Why did they make it look like something from an old movie! Where are my feathers?”

The dinosaur, not caring to know its true nature, bit forward in an attempt to take down Sweet Dream. The woman scoffed, transforming into her monstrous chocolate form. The beast snapped at the chocolate, swallowed, then mellowed out as the villainess’s hallucinogenic chocolate took effect.

“Waste of my time,” she grumbled.

“Ah, but perhaps not!” Dr. Zlo exclaimed. “Sweet Dream, your calming confection is exactly what I need to try out my newest toy!”

Dr. Zlo twiddled his tie, activating his hatbot. The small drone buzzed, hovering down to eye level and saluting Dr. Zlo.

“Yes, yes,” the villain said. “Enough with the pleasantries. I need you to take control of our lizard friend there.”

The bot nodded. It flew over, placing itself squarely atop the dinosaur’s head and settling in with a wiggle. From there, the technology inside activated, taking control of the dinosaur. With a beep, the hatbot hat the monster kneel.

“Voila! Transportation!” Dr. Zlo said with a flourish.

“Impressive,” Jack’s character said.

“It’s nothing much,” Dr. Zlo answered. “Just another consequence of my genius!”

“Right, right,” Rough grumbled. “Lead the way already.”

Dr. Zlo huffed, jumping atop the dinosaur. He held a hand out to Jack. She took it, hauling herself over to sit behind Dr. Zlo. Rough came next while Sweet Dream was picked up by Riptide. They set off, the beast breaking throughy the foliage to reach their destination.

“It occurs to me that I never got your name,” Dr. Zlo said to Jack’s character after a moment.

“Panama Panakos,” the assassin said. “People call me Pan-Pan.”

“What, like pancakes?” Riptide asked as he flew alongside.

“Like the emergency word,” Pan-Pan sniffed. “Mayday was already taken.”

“Whatever the case, I hope your skills are up for this,” Rough said.

“I’ve never met an equal,” Pan-Pan said.

“Hrm,” Rough answered.

The group quieted as the trees grew thinner, revealing semi-maintained pathways and stone markers. These grew into mud huts, then complete stone structures as an ancient city appeared before them. The locals, men and women dressed in patterned robes, came out of their houses to see the eclectic group of villains. They pointed in surprise at the dinosaur, causing Dr. Zlo to smirk.

“It seems they recognize my genius,” he said.

“Or, hear me out dude. They don’t see a lot of lizards,” Riptide replied.

Dr. Zlo squinted in annoyance. “And to think I make you equipment.”

“You know you love me,” Riptide said.

Sweet Dream put a hand in front of Riptide. “Shush. Something’s happening.”

The dinosaur marched toward a central pyramid. An old man and woman walked out of the top, both wearing patterned robes but adorned in a headdress of colorful clay. The man’s held depictions of trees, fruits, and other greenery while the old woman’s had animals of all kinds.

“Welcome strange travelers,” the man started.

“Why have you come?” The woman continued.

“You have something magical here, I’ve heard,” Rough said.

The two nodded. “That we do. Our Loqium grants us communication with our gods. It is our most sacred metal, and cannot be taken from its pedestal on which it rests.”

“Why would they tell us that?” Riptide asked quietly.

“Because games need to add exposition somehow,” Jack answered.

Rough grunted, jumping off the controlled dinosaur and moving forward. “That’s great and all. But you see, I need that Loqium.”

The two ancients frowned and spoke in unison. “For what reason do you need our Loqium? Our most sacred of metals, of that which we use to talk to the very gods?”

Rough, along with everyone else, smiled. He took another step forward, breathed in to stop a laugh from escaping, and spoke.

“I’mma eat it.”

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