Vaudevillain

Cookie instantly windmilled away but even the minion could tell it wouldn’t be fast enough. Then, something furry smacked the Jacques in the side, speeding it up just enough to escape the dog’s razor-sharp teeth.

It turned out that the cat had reacted at the same time as the dog and had leaped to the side to avoid the deadly animal. However, the cat predicted incorrectly, and their dodge put them right in the path of Cookie. The two landed in a heap on the ground as the dog sailed overhead, the cat hissing up a storm in terror.

Cookie smacked the ground as it landed, quickly rolling to the side and standing. The cat was somehow in the minion’s other hand, but the Jacques wasn’t about to question things. The Jacques bolted away from the dog in a random direction.

The animal quickly gave chase, its metallic feet digging into the road underneath. It gave a nasty snarl, which prompted Cookie to run faster.

The minion rounded the corner to a back alley and leaped over the garbage cans blocking the road. The cat hissed up a storm, scratching the minion’s suitcoat in terror. Cookie ignored it in favor of looking back. Just in time to see the cyberdog barrel through the garbage bins like a toddler through building blocks. Trash splattered across the alley walls, their smelly contents emitting a foul odor.

Cookie turned out of the alley onto another road, this one lined with withering bushes and trees choked by the rusty metal around it. The minion debated for a moment about climbing one of the trees but chickened out when it remembered how the dog punched through the garbage bins. It would be better to find some other way to escape the dog.

The animal in question rounded the alley, howling as it skidded across the sidewalk. Cookie continued to dash down the street, looking for anything that might help the minion.

The cat, now somewhat calmed down, yanked at Cookie’s suitcoat. The Jacques glanced down to find the cat pointing a paw at a nearby tree. Cookie shook its head, knowing that climbing wouldn’t help. The cat rolled its eyes and point above the tree. A balcony sat near the dying branches, just close enough for the minion to climb.

Seeing the opportunity, Cookie bolted to the tree and shimmied up. The dog, only moments behind, slammed into the trunk.

The tree gave an unsettling shake and bent down, but it stayed upright. The dog howled and backed up to try again, prompting Cookie to move faster. Now that the tree was at an angle the minion could stand and run.

The Jacques arrived at the branches as the dog again crashed into the tree, this time upending the trunk entirely. Cookie’s stomach flopped and the minion felt the world spin.

Desperate, the minion jumped from the branches toward where it felt the balcony was. The world rocked unsteadily, and then Cookie slammed into something metallic. The cat yowled, more from surprise than pain, as Cookie latched a hand onto the balcony railing. The animal jumped with feline grace and landed squarely on a small end table sitting near the edge.

The gambit had worked, but now Cookie found itself dangling from a balcony from one hand. The other swung freely at its side. The dog below had settled in for a siege, growling and barking as Cookie dangled. Once the minion lost strength, it would be the dog’s lunch.

But Dr. Zlo had made Cookie superior to normal minions. The Jacques didn’t have to worry about such things as fatigue. Cookie could hang from the balcony as long as it needed to.

Although perhaps that wasn’t the best idea. Mabel would be furious if someone didn’t come back with a cup of flour.

With a silent grunt, the Jacques swung its arm up onto the balcony and heaved. Slowly the Jacques pulled itself up over the balcony railing, twisting to land on its back as it went over onto the safer side.

The faceless minion’s chest heaved up and down, mimicking the exertion from people with actual lungs. The cat, now out of danger, sat on the end table and licked a paw. The dog continued to bark down below until some player arrived.

“Shut up you stupid thing!” the player shouted.

Cookie heard a whine, and then scampering. The minion looked down to see the cyberdog bounding off down the street, a smoking hole near the animal’s previous position. Cookie wiped his brow in a ‘phew’ motion and then leaned against the balcony railing.

That was likely enough excitement for one day, the Jacques thought. It was time to find a cup of flour and head back to Mabel.

The minion looked over to the cat and gave it a nod of respect. The two might have started out as enemies but now they were sure to be fast friends. Cookie held out a hand to pet the animal, only to take it back as the cat scratched him.

The feline dashed off the table and up a dangling pipe, no doubt heading back home. Cookie grumbled, it had thought they had bonded.

But that was cats for you.

The minion leaned back on the balcony railing, compartmentalizing everything that happened while updating its task list. The cup of flour was the most important thing, and the Jacques needed to find it soon or Mabel would get worse than normal.

The minion hated it when Mabel was worse than normal. She made the Jacques do all sorts of demeaning things. Like stand guard!

However, Cookie still held a lack of knowledge. The minion had no clue what a cup of flour was. It knew what a cup was, and what flowers were. But how was he supposed to find a cup of them?

For example, there was a mug sitting on the end table, filled with dirt and a spindly green plant. Cookie knew exactly what that mug was, though why someone would want a mug of dirt confused the minion. Then Cookie blinked, the programming inside its head firing and making connections. Perhaps the minion didn’t have to borrow the flowers from a neighbor? Maybe the minion could just steal the flowers and stick them in a cup. It wasn’t like Mabel would know the difference.

Cookie clapped its hands together. What a perfectly dastardly plan! Worthy of Dr. Zlo’s minion for sure!

Excited, the minion grabbed the mug, dumped the dirt out, and plucked everything that looked like a flower from the balcony. All of it went into the mug, and once the Jacques finished it crawled down the building to find more.

It had to find another part of the neighborhood with a lot more greenery, but Cookie eventually did it. If the minion had a mouth it would smile. Mabel was sure to love how smart he had been!

“Wait he got Mabel a cup of flower petals?” Jack said with a smile.

“Yeah, and he looked so proud too,” Dylan laughed. “But boy, was Mabel not happy. She went off on a tirade, grabbing every minion she could think of and forcing them to march around the mansion as punishment. The poor Jacques didn’t even know what the did wrong.”

“That’s incredible,” Jack said. “Like something out of an old cartoon.”

“I know right,” Dylan replied. “Sometimes I wonder if the AI for this game knows more than it lets on.”

“Doubt it,” Jack countered. “Just a quirk of programming.”

“Yeah, probably,” Dylan answered. “A great quirk though.”

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