Vaudevillain

"Now, how to start," Dr. Zlo mused, taking a few steps toward the police inspector.

Dylan was excited. He'd meant it when he said he wanted to gloat to this NPC. The man had never gotten the chance to explain his plan in this way before. Often it was because the people who heard his master plan were other players, and they weren't inclined to humor Dylan when he captured them.

But now Dylan had an audience, one that wanted to listen. Sure, the NPC was listening because it would stall Dr. Zlo, but that's what made it fun. Dr. Zlo's ego got in the way of his crimes, just like every charismatic villain.

Dylan knew full well his character tended to swing between magnificent bastard and the jokey recurring villain. The first trope was that unflappable villain, who always had a plan within his foiled plan. Dr. Zlo had that, which Dylan considered a must because of the character's professed intelligence. It didn't make sense for a smart villain not to have contingency plans in place. Of course, Dylan didn't want to go too overboard with it. He wasn't Dextra.

"I supposed I should start with the why," Dr. Zlo started, walking up to the policeman. "You see, I'm in need of some transportation."

The police inspector looked confused, "That has nothing to do with armor." His K-drone barked in agreement.

Dr. Zlo thrust his cane at Yoriki's chin, forcing the man to quiet down.

"I'm getting there. It seemed appropriate to start with the reason. You understand?"

Yoriki nodded, not wanting to lose his head to this villain.

"Right," Dr. Zlo nodded back. "Yes. I'm in need of transportation. My Zloppelin, the greatest invention of mine to date, was unceremoniously destroyed by a coalition of heroes." Dr. Zlo paused, "And villains jealous of my success. Therefore, I was in need of a new vehicle."

Dr. Zlo lowered his cane, pacing around Yoriki like a predator. He still held the weapon at the ready, just in case the police officer tried anything.

"Of course, I couldn't recreate the Zloppelin. No, no. Such a large target has immeasurable flaws. Therefore, my new invention needed to be sleeker, smaller."

Dr. Zlo glanced over at Yoriki, "An automobile, if you will."

"I still–"

Dr. Zlo shushed Yoriki again, tapping the cane on the man's chin.

"I couldn't make any old vehicle, you see. The Zlomobile needed to be the greatest mode of transportation, capable of taking my minions and me to any place in the world if I so chose. And it needed to be fast enough to evade any troublesome third parties. Which is why I'm on a quest."

"A quest?" Yoriki questioned, still not following Dr. Zlo's train of thought.

"Yes! A quest. I've created a variety of gadgets and inventions for the Zlomobile, each one for a grand purpose. And each of those inventions requires specific materials. Such as the suits of armor inside of your museum."

Yoriki blinked, "Let me get this straight. You need suits of armor, for a car?"

"Exactly!" Dr. Zlo beamed.

Sweet Dream shook her head while Riptide laughed. Yoriki only looked even more confused, unable to follow the villain's reasoning.

"Dude! You need to tell these stories more often. They make no sense at all!" Riptide called.

"I rescind my forgiveness about the board!" Dr. Zlo shouted. "How dare you make fun of my coherent speech!"

"Oh, come on, dude!" Riptide complained. "Stop being petty!"

Dr. Zlo chose to ignore the surfer, knowing the man was trying to get a rise out of him. He bet Riptide wanted to surf the nanites or something.

"Now," the villain said, turning back to Yoriki. "If you'll excuse us, we have some artifacts to pilfer."

The villain made to move past Yoriki.

"Wait!" the inspector cried. "What do you plan to do with that vehicle once it's finished?"

Dr. Zlo halted, turning back to Yoriki. A smile formed on his face, "You know. I know you're stalling, but I'll humor you."

The villain traipsed back over to Yoriki, the smile growing wider and more villainous, "It is my intention to hold a great race, one that proves just how great my genius is. Any car can enter, and all weapons will be permitted. And when I win, I'll take a grand prize and declare myself unparalleled!"

Dr. Zlo finished his speech with a flourish, pointing his cane straight into the air, where he released a cloud of nanites. The microscopic machines fell on Dr. Zlo's head like confetti.

"Hmm," the villain frowned as the silvery particles fell from his hair. "I was going for fireworks. No matter. Sweet Dream, Riptide! We're off!"

Dr. Zlo and his team passed by Yoriki, Sweet Dream directing her mini-chocolates toward the police officers.

"Oh, leave our friendly conversationalist lucid," Dr. Zlo said to the woman. "I want him to remember our conversation."

"Whatever," Sweet Dream replied, directing the monster away from him and toward another officer.

Yoriki looked like he wanted to do something, but the man held back. At the last moment, the officer remembered Riptide's first attack, how the sweeping waves destroyed his blockade in mere moments. These villains were out of his league, and he was at their mercy. Clenching his fist, the inspector watched, fury and indignation at the situation passing over his face as Sweet Dream's chocolate creations splattered themselves over his team. He almost jumped to his feet to assault the monster right there, only stopping because of his K-drone. The small robot whimpered behind Yoriki, reminding the inspector to stay calm.

Dr. Zlo waved goodbye as he walked into the museum. "Now, let's see what they have for us."

A trio of guards, men with large muscles and angry scowls, stood in the doorway.

Dr. Zlo scoffed, "Come now, do you think you can do anything? After you saw what happened?"

The middle guard only cracked his knuckles, a silver sheen forming over the man's fist. The two beside him did the same, their limbs slowly becoming metallic.

"Great, super guards," Sweet Dream complained. "I'm never letting you or your minions do recon ever again, Zlo."

"Come on now," Dr. Zlo answered. "I doubt these guards are as powerful as regular heroes. Or else they wouldn't be stuck guarding some museum."

"Or we're just waiting for criminals like you!" one guard roared, his anger getting the better of him. The man threw a fist at Dr. Zlo, a wide swing that the villain backed away from with ease.

"So aggressive," Dr. Zlo said. "Riptide?"

"Heck yeah, dude!" the villain cheered. He rushed in, jumped onto his surfboard. The surfer fired a few lasers to distract while he conjured his waves. The guards brought their arms up in guard positions, their silvery protection reflecting the lasers away from the museum. Dr. Zlo ducked at one, the beam almost scraping his top hat.

"Careful!" he shouted.

"Sorry, dude!" Riptide called back. The surfer spun around on his board, bringing a conjured wave to life. The three guards braced themselves as the wave washed over them, pushing them further into the museum.

With the doors open, Dr. Zlo and Sweet Dream dashed in, both making their way to the armor cases nearby. As they did, an automated system sprung to life, explaining the history of each piece.

Dr. Zlo stopped in front of a suit of armor painted red and sporting devil horns, "This armor, one of many from the warring states era, was discovered in an abandoned grain silo six miles outside–"

Not wanting to listen, Dr. Zlo blasted the speaker next to the armor, then smashed the case open.

"You'll do nicely," the villain said as he reached out.

A cord wrapped around Dr. Zlo's arm, yanking him upward toward the rafters.

"What the!" the villain exclaimed. He activated his rocket boots, steadying himself and using his monocle to burn through the rope. He came free with a snap, and Dr. Zlo whirled to look for the offender.

A man stood in front of the armor case, gently brushing a hand over the red-horned armor. He dressed similarly to Dr. Zlo, sporting a top hat and suit. But where Dr. Zlo had a monocle, this man had a cape. The flowing black cloth wrapped around the interloper like a blanket of night, masking his features. Dr. Zlo flew down to get a better look, seeing a white mask resting over the man's face.

"You dare!" Dr. Zlo growled.

"Ah, sorry about the rough treatment," the man said with a bow. "I couldn't allow you to damage such a treasured artifact."

Dr. Zlo whipped his cane around, sending a blast of nanites at the offender. The cloud formed into razor disks, their edges aimed right for the neck. The interloper whirled, his cape spinning around to smack the first disks out of the air. Dr. Zlo sent another round, trying to use the small window of time where the man wouldn't see Dr. Zlo. To his surprise, the interloper dodged the next round, carrying the suit of armor in his arms.

"Careful," the man said. "You could cut someone with those."

"And you should return what I rightfully stole," Dr. Zlo commented.

"Mmm, but who can say if you did steal it?" the man said. "After all, I have the armor in my hands, and you have nothing."

"I'll have your head!" Dr. Zlo shouted. He fired a blast from his monocle, the laser making a beeline at the man.

The man twirled again, this time bringing a mirror up to reflect Dr. Zlo's shot. The beam zoomed past Dr. Zlo, smacking Riptide's surfboard and throwing the man slightly off course. He crashed into the display of fans in the main room, sending the artifacts flying.

"A gentleman should never use violence," the man chided. "You of all people should know better."

"I never professed to be a gentleman!" Dr. Zlo grunted. He rushed forward, forming the nanites around him into a whip. "Besides, who are you to scold me? You're just another thief!"

The man flicked his wrist and produced an electric baton. He swung it around, cutting the nanite whip in two. Dr. Zlo's machines clattered to the ground like rain on the sidewalk. The villain growled. He definitely needed to improve the nanites at some point. Perhaps make some sort of electrical shielding.

"I'm no ordinary thief," the man said in his calm voice. "Call me, Lupan."

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