Vaudevillain

The young man stepped forward, "Or you'll have to deal with me."

Dr. Zlo paused, then guffawed. "You? I'm sorry, but you? What are you going to do? Use that bottle on me? No."

Dr. Zlo fired his laser, striking the man in the chest and sending him flying. Screams from the women outside reached his ears as he turned back to the store employee.

"Now, the cigarettes, if you please."

Goaded by Dr. Zlo's attack, the shakily made his way over to the employees only door, ushering Dr. Zlo inside. As he did, the sound of a bell rang throughout the area, so loud it shook the shelves. A few tobacco accessories fell to the ground, their clattering deafened by the sonorous ring.

"Ah, that must be the distraction," Dr. Zlo said with a wicked smile. "I doubt your, heroes, are going to arrive anytime soon."

The employee gulped, edging as far away from Dr. Zlo as he dared. The villain paid no mind, instead choosing to focus on the boxes of cigarettes stored in the back. He leisurely walked forward with his cane outstretched, using it to knock the various tobaccos into his inventory.

A minute later, Dr. Zlo was finished. The villain turned back to the shopkeeper and bowed, "A pleasure doing business with you. Be sure to write any IOUs to the Sleepless City Council. I'm sure they'd be happy to reimburse you for your loss."

Dr. Zlo made his way through the employees only door, laughing evilly as he twirled his cane.

"Riptide, Sweet Dream," The villain called on his communicator. "Do you have your materials? I've finished up and am making my way back topside."

"Stop right there!" A childlike voice called.

Dr. Zlo whirled to find a toddler floating in the air, carrying the man he'd blasted out the door earlier. The toddler gently sat the man down before turning back to Dr. Zlo. A glitter attracted the villain's attention, and his eye caught sight of a shining rattle printed on the child's blue onesie.

"You'll pay for what you did to dad!" the kid screeched.

"Scratch that," Dr. Zlo said to his communicator. "It seems like someone wants me to babysit them."

"What?" Riptide and Sweet Dream asked simultaneously.

"There's a kid here!" Dr. Zlo said tersely. "A kid with powers."

"You shoulda said that," Sweet Dream said.

"Bah! You know nothing about drama!" Dr. Zlo answered.

"Don't ignore me!" The kid shouted, flying forward in a charge.

Dr. Zlo dove to the side, activating his rocket boots and flying off. The kid turned to follow, weaving around the attacks Dr. Zlo sent his way with impossible accuracy.

"Oh, don't tell me I can't harm kids," Dylan muttered under his breath. "If that's the case, don't program in child heroes."

The two flew around the play area some more, Dr. Zlo launching lasers and nanobots in a vain attempt to stop the child. It was no use; the kid avoided each strike, sometimes supernaturally, as if they could predict where the attack would come from. Dr. Zlo's only saving grace was that his rocket boots were slowly outpacing the chasing hero.

The sound of Dr. Zlo's bell monster rang through the mall again, shaking the playground as the two adversaries flew around. The playpen structure seemed to resonate with the noise, rocking back and forth as if trying to pry itself free from the ground. Seeing this, Dr. Zlo decided to help it along, if only to use it as a distraction. The villain needed to make his way out of the mall before his monster broke it. Dr. Zlo wasn't about to go down to one of his creations like some two-bit joke character.

A couple of monocle laser blasts on the playground's fasteners broke the structure free from its earthly prison. Monkey bars and Swingsets rose into the air for half a second before falling back down to the ground, gravity having finally worked its magic. But the distraction was enough to slow the toddler hero some more, as they were forced to weave through the playground as it fell back down.

Dr. Zlo used the time to search for the emergency stairs, calling his companions in the process.

"I'm heading topside," the villain said as he spotted the stairs. "Coming up through the stairs, be ready."

"I'm always ready, dude!" Riptide assured.

Dr. Zlo rocketed toward the stairwell, the toddler's cries echoing behind him.

"Dad!" the kid shouted, the voice choking with tears.

If he'd looked back, Dr. Zlo would have seen the kid kneeling beside the NPC father from earlier. The playground's launch and subsequent return to earth had the unfortunate effect of landing on top of the NPC. The toddler didn't notice until it was too late.

Instead, Dr. Zlo only saw grey concrete as he rushed up the stairs. A notification tried to interrupt his concentration, but the villain quickly flicked it to the side with a look. He'd check the messages after they were out of the danger zone.

The villain made his way out of the stairwell as fast as he could. It was time for the getaway portion of the robbery, which meant speed was the name of the game. The villain rocketed out of the mall, arriving just in time to see a giant bell with arms and legs stomp on one of the nearby statues.

"Dude! That monster is awesome!"

Riptide's voice came from Dr. Zlo's right, causing the villain to whirl in surprise.

"Ha! Spooked ya," Riptide joked.

The surfer was still on his ultra blackboard, rendering the player invisible to the naked eye. Grumbling, Dr. Zlo flipped a small switch on his monocle, changing it to infrared vision. Instantly, Riptide's body lit up like a star in Dr. Zlo's eye.

"Riptide, one of these days I'm going to hurt you," Dr. Zlo threatened.

"Sure you will," Riptide said cooly.

Sweet Dream's voice echoed over the communicators, "Would you two stop posturing and get down here! Some of us can't fly!"

The two villains looked down to see Sweet Dream in her chocolate form, blasting a few overzealous security guards and sending chocolate monsters out of her body.

"I gotcha!" Riptide shouted, swooping down to grab his girlfriend. Sweet Dream transformed out of her form as he reached her, letting the surfer pick her up.

"Just like that time in Belun," Riptide joked.

"Pretty sure that was the other way around," Sweet Dream joked back.

The two flew back up to Dr. Zlo, who was watching his invention rampage. A few heroes had arrived, some team in bright green spandex that made hardlight creations. They were too caught up in stopping the giant bell to notice Dr. Zlo and his companions flying nearby, and Dr. Zlo was happy to keep it that way.

"Right, time to get out of here," Dr. Zlo said as Riptide surfed back up with Sweet Dream.

"What, you don't want to watch your greatest creation?" Sweet Dream joked.

"Come now, Sweet Dream. You know as well as I do that my current greatest creation is the formula you requested. Why, in fact, I'd go as far as to say–"

A cry of "Dad!" interrupted the villain, causing the three to turn at the noise. A toddler, dressed in a black onesie, a top hat, and a monocle, flew up toward the villains. In the child's hand sat a rattle, elongated to almost look like a small cane.

The three villains stared, confusion on their faces. Then Sweet Dream turned to Dr. Zlo.

"What. The f*ck?"

"Dude! You never told us you had a kid!" Riptide could barely keep the laughter out of his voice.

"I don't!" Dr. Zlo roared. "I don't even know what's going on!"

The three villains turned back to the kid, who was flying up toward them with cries of "dad!"

"Wait a minute," Dr. Zlo said as the toddler came closer. "That's the kid hero that attacked me earlier!"

"And it's calling you dad," Riptide laughed.

"Well, get it to shut up!" Sweet Dream said. "It's getting the attention of the heroes!"

Sweet Drema pointed over to the fighting heroes. A few of them had noticed the strangely dressed child and turned their heads in the villain's direction.

"Alright, alright," Dr. Zlo said, bringing his cane up. "I'll get rid of it before they notice."

The villain turned the knob to his nanobots, preparing to shoot a concentrated bullet at the toddler.

"No!" both Riptide and Sweet Dream shouted at the same time. Riptide pushed Dr. Zlo's cane out of the way, sending the bullet wide, where it struck one of the heroes, catching their attention.

"What was that for!" Dr. Zlo shouted.

"You can't just shoot kids!" Sweet Dream said. "Do you know how pissed off that makes the heroes? I saw another villain take out a kid who got too close in a fight, and the heroes hunted him down until there was nothing left! Child death is a game reset!"

"Then why are they even in the game!" Dylan shouted, breaking character.

"Realism, dude," Riptide answered. "For that authentic experience."

Dylan threw his hands up, "Well, if I can't shoot him. What do you want me to do?"

"Did you get a notification or something?" Sweet Dream asked.

"You know what, I think I did," Dylan answered.

He opened up his menu, finding the most recent notifications. Sure enough, a message was waiting for him.

You have attracted the attention of The Imp!

No one knows where this mischievous little super came from, but everyone agrees that The Imp is a strange character indeed. No one knows precisely where The Imp came from, but they seem to hold powers equal to the greatest heroes and villains. Despite all their might, The Imp acts like an impulsive child, causing mischief and pranks wherever they go.

To remedy this, one of the more powerful heroes attempted to bind The Imp's powers, limiting their destructive pranks. Instead, The Imp lost most of their cognitive function, mentally regressing to the age of a toddler. Now, The Imp travels around the world, imprinting onto various people and warping reality to make them their parent.

Through whatever stroke of luck or misfortune, The Imp has imprinted onto you!

"This is not what I had in mind when I was thinking about a protégé," Dylan complained. "And who would want a quest like this anyways!"

"What is it?" Sweet Dream asked.

"The child's a reality warping imp that thinks I'm its father."

"Dude, no way!" Riptide laughed.

"Shut up," Dylan said.

"No way, dude, this is great!" Riptide said. "You've got a mini-you!"

Dylan opened his mouth to reply, only to go, "Guh!" as all the air rushed out of his lungs.

"Dad!" The Imp said, tackling Dylan midair. "I've missed you! Why'd you run away!"

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