The Principle of a Philosopher by Eternal Fool “Asley”

So… Blazer said his every word with a straight face.

The thing he was talking about, though, was incomprehensible to me, so it took quite a few moments for the information to actually get inside my head.

Also, the way Bruce and Betty are smirking at me is… so Goddamn annoying.

“…Uh, what the hell are you even talking about anymore, man!?”

“That’s what I want to know, Master!!”

Pochi chimed in — and as it turned out, despite what she said earlier, she doesn’t seem to know what was going on either.

“Anyway! You’re under arrest, sir!”

This conversation is going so Goddamn fast, I can’t keep up with it anymore.

Where did this information even come from? Could it be from that restaurant earlier? But I’m pretty sure nothing more than an awkward conversation happened there… Huh…? 

Let’s retrace my steps: Fuyu and I went our separate ways after the meal, and we haven’t even seen each other since.

Yeah, that’s it; nothing else happened. So how did I end up in this situation? How far has that misleading information spread?

“Lina is waiting for you! Tifa and Haruhana, too!”

And why are there two more people who ‘need to talk’ to me!?

“This way, this way! The defendant has arrived♪!”

“Aye-yup! Go get ’em, dude!”

Betty pushed my shoulder, and Bruce slapped my back.

Damn it, these siblings never change… I hope they bump their pinky toes on a corner of their closets. Then I’ll watch them wince in pain for a minute or two and then cast a healing magic spell on them. 

As Blazer tilted his head in confusion, I headed towards the hall where Lina and the others were waiting.

“Hmph!”

Oh, and now the furball is suddenly angry? This is supposed to be the part where she helps me out, damn it!

When I opened the sliding doors to the hall, I saw three figures waiting, ominous shadows cast over their eyes. 

Actually, no — not just three figures, but three Devil Kings. Devil Kings Lina, Tifa, and Haruhana.

“Hmph!!”

Why is my Familiar going to sit on their side?

And she’s wearing my glasses — when the hell did she steal them?

“Master! Sit!”

Oh, so Pochi is this meeting’s host or something? Man, she’s so unnecessarily loud.

The three others aren’t saying anything — in fact, they’re so quiet that I can’t even hear them breathe.

Lina is… is she emanating a cold aura? She’s like an ice queen. 

Tifa… has she started living in the underworld or something? She’s like a Dark Ruler… oh, she’s always been it.

Haruhana… she’s smiling. But I can tell that it’s a fragile mask — a mask that, with even a slight impact, would crack and break and reveal a horrific face of a monster.

“I pronounce the sentence! Defendant Asley! Death penalty!”

“What the hell, Pochi!? What is this defendant thing you’ve been on about!? And why is everyone angry!?”

In response to my question, Lina smiled… or did she?

“We are NOT angry.”

Uh, nope, I’m pretty sure they are.

“What we want to know is how exactly you and Fuyu and Asley got together. That’s all.”

But that never happened! Why are these three believing it so completely?

“Well, I’ll ask this again — what are you talking about!?”

Lina’s question just now came accompanied by an intense aura of arcane energy. 

She proceeded cast her terrifying gaze at Tifa, and In response, Tifa took out a stack of documents and picked out the top sheet.

Okay, what now?

“Today at three o’clock in the afternoon, you and Fuyu went on a date at a restaurant. Isn’t that right?”

What the hell!? Is that a record of my daily activities or something!?

Whose idea was this!? Why would anyone waste their time to keep it up to date!?

“We did go to a restaurant, but that wasn’t a date! Why’d anyone even think it was?”

In response to my rebuttal, Haruhana spoke up,

“It was the act of a man and a woman going out together to eat — are you claiming that it did not fit the definition of a date?”

And she’s not even faking a smile anymore.

“No, why would it be? I go out for food together with Pochi all the time–“

“–You know this is not what I meant. No offense meant to Pochi, of course.”

Why is Haruhana suddenly so businesslike and indifferent today?

“That’s right, Master! Of course we’re not in that kind of relationship! It’s your DUTY to keep me fed!”

“”Pochi…””

All three pairs of eyes turned to Pochi at once.

And that very moment, Pochi hid her eyes with her front paws.

“I-I’m so sorry…”

Pochi whimpered and fell silent, as if her mind had reached the true state of emptiness.

I still have no idea what is happening, but there is one thing I can say about this situation…

Pochi is the enemy.

“Thirty minutes later, Fuyu confessed her love to you. And in response, you said you loved her as well, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?” 

Tifa asked me twice — though it sounded more like she was getting me to reaffirm an established fact.

“What? We were still in the restaurant at that time, you know?”

I explained, but then Tifa responded without hesitation,

“Yes. This took place while you were in the restaurant.”

…Huh? Did it?

“We have multiple witnesses. Adventurers, members of the Resistance, students from the magic classroom… and we have also heard testimonies from one of the restaurant’s waitresses.”

“Uh, nope, I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

What an information overload. 

Even with a Philosopher’s mind such as mine, I can’t help but be confused as all hell.

“Playing dumb, I see…”

Tifa’s arcane energy aura is so intense and dark that I feel like I could almost see it with my naked eye. Oh yeah, I forgot about Tarawo… where is he now? 

I guess he’s hiding somewhere, frightened by Tifa. Well, I wish I could join him in his hiding place. 

Still, Fuyu confessed her love to me? When? And there were witnesses… in that restaurant, at that time…? Wait, hold on…

“Ah.”

“So you finally remembered?”

“I knew it was true.”

“Pochi.”

Haruhana, Tifa, and Lina turned to Pochi again, as if granting her the permission to make a statement.

“We have the verdict! Defendant Asley is… GUILTY! DEATH PENALTY!”

I’ve never seen a real trial before, but I feel like I’ve heard that line from somewhere before…

“…Wait, I mean, this isn’t right!? I just said ‘ah,’ and that’s enough for me to get the death penalty!? O-oh yeah! What about Fuyu!? Go ask her! She’ll clear things up!”

“”……””

The girls said nothing and only turned to one another.

It’s like they’re trying to confirm something.

And then Lina declared, directing her sharp gaze towards the sliding door to her right.

“Bring in the witness.”

What does she mean, witness?

Pochi, acting as an assistant, opened the sliding door. 

And there, waiting inside… for some reason referred to as a witness… was Fuyu. 

She’s still in the light purple dress that she wore when we were out together. 

But wait… something’s off. Has her dress always been this disheveled? 

It looks like it’s been tugged at and messed up, as if someone grabbed her collar… did she just go through a heated argument or something?

“Fuyu?”

I called out to her, but she did not answer.

And why is she facing away from me?

Is there something on the back of her head? No. Maybe she wants me to look at her hair? That can’t be — it’s all messed up, just like her clothes.

…Wait, she’s saying something… but not to me…?

“~~♪ ~~♪”

Actually, she’s whistling — just some random notes, not following any melody.

Haruhana proceeded to make her stop in an instant.

“Come over here, Fuyu.”

One sentence was all Haruhana needed to make Fuyu wince.

Man, I swear she’s even more intimidating than the Devil King… like, I don’t think Lucifer would fill his voice with THIS much murderous intent.

Fuyu stood up, but she continued to face away from me. Could it be that she’s avoiding eye contact with me? 

Thinking so, I tried to ask something to find out the reason behind it, but before I could, Lina spoke up,

“Fuyu has admitted it — She did confess her love to you, Sir Asley.”

…Is this the part where I smile?

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