The Butcher of Gadobhra

Getting Jenny’s rabbit legs and pork chops had been relaxing. Ozzy was happy to get back to a simpler routine of butchering and bar-b-que. Joe was waiting for him at the pit, slowly stirring the coals in the center with a smoky shovel. The smoke golem looked up as he approached and smiled.

"Well, look who's back from hobnobbing with gods and angels. I was worried I was going to have to drag you back here and chain you down to get any work out of you."

"Yeah, sorry about that, Joe. Too much has been going on. Glad it's all over and I can get back to the important stuff." Ozzy looked at the pit; if anything, it looked a bit better than before. "Pit feel like it's ready to go? No problems?"

"Nope. Job was a good one. The builders work hard, and something lit a fire under them. They tore the pit down to just materials, then rebuilt it perfectly. I've been stoking the fire to get the coals just right. Now all I need is a few dozen carcasses and I can get to work smoking them up."

Joe put one hand above his eyes as if he were looking far away, "Why, gollygeewillikers, is that a herd of sedge beasts over there? Seems like some young fellow ought to go beat their heads in and drag them back here for me. Just my opinion though; if you're all tired from talking and need to slack off some more, you go right ahead."

Ozzy walked off laughing, "Even my thick skull got that hint. We'll have this full by nightfall. Don't you get your overalls in a bunch."

The herd of mis-shapen animals were packed into the corral, and he could see hundreds more out in the nearby meadows, grazing on the sedge. He was starting to believe Rolly's theories about some magical circle of life shit. The beasts bred as quickly as he killed them and grew to adult-hood amazingly fast. Which meant it was time to get to work doing his part in the cycle that drained the area of dark mana.

Opening the gate from the main corral he goaded a half dozen sedge beasts into the long narrow chute. He slid the rear gate behind the first one, picked up one of his hammers, and hit it in the forehead, killing it instantly. The handle of the hammer cracked.

...yawn...oh, are we back to this again?

Keep going champ, really pushing yourself.

He turned off notifications for slaughtering and butchering and dragged the carcass over to his stump. Or rather, his STUMPtm. The builders had replaced his worn-out oak stump with the one he’d dropped on Leroy. Maybe it would hold up better.

After a half an hour, Ozzy was starting to agree with the sarcastic system comments. This was a bit too easy and certainly wasn't getting him much EP. He was also breaking hammers. He'd get EP from toolmaking for fixing them, but he was starting to begrudge the time for so little gain. Maybe he should give the next one a sporting chance?

When a particularly mean looking cow got to the front of the line, Ozzy closed off the back, then opened the front and backed off. The cow tilted its head and pawed the ground. Ozzie taunted it. "What are you waiting for? You need your mommy’s permission to come play? Sorry, Bessie, but I turned her into hamburger last week."

That got a reaction! The cow let out a loud and determined 'MOO!' and charged him. Ozzy intended to grab her by the horns and take her down to the ground but his timing was off. The cow lowered her head and butted at him at the end of her charge. He landed 10 feet away with bruises and a nasty scrape on his stomach. The cow circled the area, tossing her head in the air as the rest of the heard let out 'moo's of encouragement.

"Alright, let’s try that again." Letting the cow have all the momentum was a problem. This time he charged her as she started moving forward. The cow was heavier, but Ozzy could gain speed more quickly. They clashed with equal force, doing some damage to each other, and he managed to get his hands on her horns. Now the hard part. He twisted her head and tried to flip her on her side. After a minute of struggle, he finally got the beast down, kneeled on its neck, and punched it in the head with his bare fist until it quit moving. He checked his notifications while catching his breath.

Bravo! Much more exciting!

You earn 3 EP in Slaughter and 3 EP in STR

Still not a ton of EP, but that had been a lot more fun. He put the carcass next to the STUMPtm and went back for the next one.

The sedge beasts seemed excited. They crowded the fence, pushing into the chute, and the first one in line was drooling in anticipation. Ozzy grinned and flexed his arms and hands. This was a lot better. Everyone was having fun, and he didn't feel so bad about hitting the things when they couldn't fight back. "Ready for round 2, are we? Well, so am I"

Four hours later, a very tired, bruised and battered butcher contemplated the pile of 50 sedge beasts he needed to butcher. Number 51 was still prancing around the arena and showing off for the cows. The yearling sedge bull had charged Ozzy with determination and vigor. Ozzy got ahold of his horns, but the bull had cannily maneuvered to the fence, swinging him against it over and over until the butcher lost his grip. Expecting to be gored and trampled, Ozzy was surprised when the bull backed off to the other side of the arena, preening in front of the cows.

As soon as Ozzy was standing, he charged again, and this time knocked Ozzy over the fence and out of the corral. That was enough for Ozzy, he saluted his foe and opened the gate for him to head to the meadow. "Enjoy yourself, Thumper, I'll get you next time." The bull turned to him and moo'd loudly before heading out with some of the cows.

The sedge bull, Thumper, accepts both his name, and your challenge!

You have discovered an unknown skill: Bulldogging. Bulldogging is a Primary Skill for your class, Contract Worker. Bulldogging is a STR skill.

You have earned 150 EP in Slaughter

Your have earned 150 EP in STR

Ozzy was limping and hurt in a dozen places. Without the massive amount of stamina that contract workers had, he'd never have been able to keep that up for so long. 17 STR and a whole lot of mitigation helped too. Even so, he was half dead and his stamina was below a quarter. He decided to wash up in the creek before starting in on the butchering. He could have used his cantrip, but the cool water just felt good.

When he got back to the pile of dead cows, one of the taxmen was waiting for him - the short one with a huge nose. He bowed slightly, "Hello sir, may I have a moment of your time to ask you a few questions? My name is Huck. I work for Procurator Smythe."

Ozzy gave him a friendly smile, "Why, sure thing. Glad to be of service. You go ahead and ask whatever you feel like while I start on this pile. "

Huck took out a leather book for his notes, "Firstly, just to confirm: you are named Ozzy, and are in the Baron's service as a butcher?"

A cleaver came down, severing the sedge beast’s head in one chop, "Yep, I'm Ozzy. Billy is my boss; guess we have to call him Baron Billy now? And yes, I'm a butcher." Four quick chops and the legs came off, blood pouring off the stump.

"Very good, and do you mind telling me your relationship to Lord Hades?"

Ozzy turned around with a confused look on his face, and a bloody cleaver in his hand? "Relationship? I'm not in a relationship with anyone but Suzette! Hades is a handsome fella, and I think I'd be flattered if he asked, but he's got all the bumps in the wrong places, if you know what I mean. Why would you go thinking something like that?"

Huck hastily held up his hands, "My apologies, I phrased that wrong! I meant no offense! Are you in the service of Lord Hades?"

Ozzy turned back to the carcass, slit the hide around the legs and belly, and stripped it. "Well, that's not something I may be comfortable talking about directly. I mean, we said I was in service to Baron Billy. Can a man be in service to two masters?"

Huck frowned, that was too philosophic a question for him, "Think of it like this. You're a contract worker, so you have a contract for certain things. A man can certainly have a second contract, especially with one's god."

Ozzy slit the belly of the cow and scooped the guts out with his hands, tossing them into a pile, then sorting the liver, stomach, and intestines into different barrels. "Got to keep things straight. Stomachs for making cheese, guts for sausages, liver for Rolly. Hmm, so maybe you can keep your contracts separated, like you keep your guts in different piles? Then yes, I have a contract with a god."

Aha, now Huck felt he was getting an answer. "Which god?"

Ozzy hauled another carcass onto the STUMPtm. This time he faced Huck, giving him a much better look at the procedure, "Well, there you go again getting personal. Some questions you just don't ask directly."

Huck sighed, "Can you tell me when you entered into a contract with a divine being?"

Ozzy grinned, "Oh, sure, it was around the last time I died and woke up in Hades realm. Embarrassing, since I was naked. He was a good guy and offered me his kilt. A spare, not the one he was wearing. Boy! That would have really been confusing. Anyway, there was some talk, and I did a contract."

Huck rolled his eyes, "Thank you. I think I can figure the rest out. Do you mind if I ask for details of the service you provided Lord Ha...uh, the god you contracted with?"

Ozzy pulled another cleaver, and proceeded to dissect the carcass in a blur, parts flying everywhere, and splattering Huck with foul-smelling muck. "Sort of obvious, isn't it? I butcher things. The god told me that someday they'd want me to cut something up into little pieces, just like I did with that sedge beast. I just have to wait until they tell me when, and what. Or, who knows, maybe who?"

The butcher was holding two cleavers, and staring at Huck with burning eyes that spelled malice to anything too close. Huck could normally just ignore the emotions of others. He barely had any of his own. But right now, he felt fearful and intimidated. The smell of death coming off the butcher was enormous. He backed away, rapidly, ran around the corner of a barn, and bounced off of someone.

A smiling man with a butterfly on his shoulder started to help him up. Through the bitter/rotten smell of sedge beast guts, came the mysterious smell. Huck's eyes went from the smiling man, to his pet, and then to the dwarf standing next to him.

"HA! Got too close to the Butcher at work, did you? Have to give that boy room when he gets going. Here, take my handkerchief and at least clean your face off." The kind dwarf handed Huck a large red piece of cloth with embroidery around the edges. Thankful, he wiped his face, then blew his nose into the handkerchief. That's when the burning hit him. His eyes puffed up, his nose clogged and felt like it was on fire. His face swelled immediately. "OH God! Peppers! I'm allergic to peppers." Huck dropped the handkerchief next to the confused dwarf who picked it up and stuffed it into his pocket. "Sorry fella, might have had a few Northside Lavapoppers in my pocket yesterday. You just drink a bit of milk and wash up, you'll be fine."

Huck raced away to dunk his head into a horse trough and began stripping off his clothes. Sanguine found him sitting naked in the trough, washing his face over and over, his nose swollen to twice it's normal size. Sanguine looked down at him, and asked in a monotone voice, "So, I take it the investigation went well?"

Huck leaned back exhausted, "Yes, I have theories on both questions that seem solid. Tell Procurator Smythe that I believe the butcher serves Lord Hades in cases requiring a terminal solution. And the mysterious smell is from a dwarf who is using potent peppers to hide his secrets. I'll be along in a couple of hours"

Sanguine shrugged and moved on. Wasn't the first time Huck had asked too many questions of the wrong people. At least he got the answers this time.

=*=

Jern Zigman sat in his room, again trying to make sense of the tax code in the first Great Book of Taxation. As usual, it was heavy going. After packing the books around for 2 years, he got the idea of studying while he guarded them. Mr. Smythe encouraged him. He hadn't been able to pass the entrance exams to the Institute of Auditing, but there was always next year.

A soft knock on his door startled him. He restacked the books in the corner, checked that his mace and whistle were at hand, and opened the door a crack, keeping the chain in place. "Who is it?"

"Just me - I have your lunch. The baron wanted to make sure everyone in your party received the best food we have." A dark-haired servant was holding a tray of sandwiches and a small teapot. "I've got ham sandwiches, a berry tart, cheese, and a strong pot of tea to help you all stay awake and get your work done."

Finally, someone remembered him. Too many times Jern went hungry while doing his important job of keeping the tax books safe. He undid the chain and let the girl in. She set the tray down on a small table and poured his tea. "Here you go. I'll come back to pick up the tray in the evening when I bring your dinner. She waved to him, gave him a smile, and swayed down the hallway. He watched until she descended the stairs.

The sandwiches were good and the tea very strong. He felt quite awake at first, and made some headway on chapter 3. But then he felt bored and tired. As he thought about a nap, his head fell forward onto the book. A few minutes later, the window opened, and two figures climbed in.

"Oh, look. How helpful, they even have the sections pertaining to Billy's taxes marked in the books, and the taxation papers are here as well. This will be a cinch."

Suzette eyed the thick volumes, "You sure you can find what you need? You only have a couple of hours."

Rolly was already flipping through the pages. "No worries. I'm just going to scan the pages so I can read them later if I need to. But I already have some thoughts on how to get him out of the squeeze. After you squeeze him of course."

Suzette climbed back out the window, vanishing in the shadows under the eave.

=*=

William Horvacs, Northern Region Manager for ACME corporation and Baron of Gadobhra, was not having a good day. The Baron and Baroness has spent the day gathering allies, seeking pledges of assistance from the leaders of their guild, and looking for solutions.

Things hadn't gone well.

"Those thieving bastards!" Normally, Billy loved it when Layla was this mad. It was generally because of something he'd done to her. It wasn’t as much fun when it was another double-cross from Vern.

"He was ready with his answers. I think he's been priming the board for over a week. As soon as he lost out on the Momco money, he started having the funds transferred south, and selling the magic items he had at a cut rate. He was already covering his tracks when we got Gadobhra."

"God, I'm hating him. I've got to say, I was really hoping to carve out our own area here in the North and be free of him." Billy noticed Layla had said 'our own area'. He'd remind her of that later.

"ACME hates paying taxes. It gave Vern a perfect excuse. 'I took the money so it wouldn't be used for taxes and put it in the south where the lizards don't have taxes'. It's perfect." Billy was getting that sour feeling in his stomach. The one he got just before he had to make a call, play nice, and beg someone to screw him."

"Vern gave me his terms, by the way," Billy was looking out a third-story window at the city in the distance. It seemed to be getting further away by the moment.

Layla looked up, "Yeah? What's he offering?"

Billy started pacing, "Oh, the usual. He takes it all. He'll pay the taxes if I abdicate to him, he becomes Baron, and I become Mayor of Sedgewick. And it's a permanent deal. I'd be supporting his ass forever."

"And what about me?" Layla felt a huge hole opening under her.

"Two choices: You can run a crew of 25 workers making sure the city is supplied, or stay on as Baroness, with all the responsibilities of the position."

"No! He isn't trying for that! You're joking!"

Billy turned and looked at her, "Wish I was. I would have loved to see you take him out and take over, but there are clauses in the contract against it. You'd have to be his loving-and-supporting-in-game-wife. Nice little bit of abuse he's heaping on you there with that choice."

He continued, "So we have two choices: Take Vern's deal, or let the Empire take Gadobhra from us. Then I bet ACME will cut a deal to pay the tax and put Vern in charge anyway."

There was a knock at the door. Suzette’s voice called out, "I have fresh muffins and tea for you. Something to help make you feel better."

Layla yelled at the door, "Screw your muffins. Go away! When I need a village idiot, I'll call for you."

A dainty foot kicked the door and it slammed against the wall. Suzette marched into the room, set down the tray on the table and then turned to Layla. Her eyes were glowing brightly and she began to hover above the ground. Two shadowy hounds stalked Layla from either side.

"Sit and eat your muffins, bitch, or my dogs will rip out your throat - and when you get back tomorrow, we'll do it again. By the time I'm done with you, you'll be glad to be Vern's little plaything." The shadowy hounds advanced, snarling.

Billy had no idea what to do, and really hated how the dogs kept looking at him as well.

Layla started laughing, somewhat hysterically. Then she sat in a chair and reached for a muffin. "Oh god, that was good, you really had me. Shit, my heart is still hammering."

Billy was confused. "What's going on?"

Layla tossed him a muffin and poured tea. "Time to catch up, Billy, they've been playing us."

Billy sat and bit into his muffin, "Keep going."

Layla smiled at Suzette who was pouring tea and sitting in the chair across from her, smiling. "You saw the reports about medical emergencies, possible brain damage, in-game therapy. When these two were all smiley and stupid with the 'Huzzahs' and cute little antics, it was all an act. She's not stupid, or partially run by the AI, and neither is Ozzy. And if she's showing that, something's up."

"Uh, yeah, I got all of that. So, the whole wicked witch of the west act is just a trick?" Billy was looking from one woman to the next, feeling outnumbered. Suzette pointed her finger at the fire and it burst into flame. Then she pointed at a bare spot on the rocky wall and an arrow of light shot from her hand, chipping off a chunk of stone with a loud crack.

"No, that part is real, Billy. You stuck us in the middle of a war, we beat the crap out of everyone and got a lot more powerful. It's fun. You should try it sometime. You might be Tier 2 now but your skills and stats suck. But enough of that. We have to deal with these tax chumps. I've got a third option for you."

"Yeah, let's hear it. My first two suck, as I'm sure you heard."

Suzette looked at the two of them, "First, my part of the deal. I want the Tavern. All of it, and the dungeons."

Billy raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, and what are you offering for it? I need money, and I need it in a couple of hours."

Suzette shook her head, "Screw that. Start thinking like a Baron. Who the hell gets to walk into your town and give you an ultimatum with a few hours notice? You let those guys push you around, you don't deserve to be a Baron. You think the others would let them dictate terms? You have a meeting with them tomorrow. Ben already wrote the letter and signed your signature to it."

"Here's my deal. I get the tavern free and clear, no rent or taxes due to you. I get all the stuff from the dungeons, but we'll do a deal where I can wholesale the items to you as Baron, for when you get your own magic item shop set up in Gadobhra. I'll feed 100 workers for free, and you pay for each one after that. You have to assign Betty to me as a cook, and my contract work is overseeing food distribution."

"I'm offering the following: I'll be responsible for Sedgewick’s first 100 gold in taxes, and pay the tax on my two dungeons. And I'll clear up all your debts with the merchants who anxiously want to meet with you. Plus, I'll give you the 500 gold you paid for the tavern."

Billy looked around, "This is a much better tavern than when I first bought it. I want two thousand gold and everything else."

Suzette rolled her eyes, "Only because Ozzy somehow had the foresight to take out insurance, kill a freaking fallen angel, and get shit rebuilt. You'd have rubble right now without him."

"Fifteen hundred gold - and if you leave ACME's employment before your normal 5 year contract is up, or move from Sedgewick before your contract is up, or die, then I get it all back. And before you object, I mean 'Die in the real world, legally dead'. ACME is essentially in your will an inherits the tavern and dungeons." Billy didn't care where she was getting the money. He needed it, and now. He suspected all the workers were piling their war loot together to buy it. Didn't matter."

Suzette could feel the deal forming. One more push. "One thousand gold, and Ozzy doesn't leave for the same time period."

Billy looked at her, "You know this deal will be challenged if Vern gets in charge."

"Let him try. I want this registered with the system. Ben will take the contract as a courier and forward it. Let Vern screw with that." Suzette paused, "But it won't come to that. We're already working on your little problem. No one wants Vern in charge. He'll sell us all out."

Layla looked at Suzette with large, disbelieving eyes, "Oh honey, and you think we won't."

Suzette flipped her hair and smiled radiantly, Billy couldn't help but stare at her. "No, you won't. Not as long as we're useful. Right now, it's all of us against Vern. Next week we can go back to 'disrespectful workers vs. Billy and Layla.' It will be fun."

Billy made his decision, "Deal. But I want the thousand gold now. I'm not agreeing to anything without some cold hard cash."

Suzette snapped her fingers.

Squirmie flew into the room and dropped a worn bag with the Momco corporate seal on the table. Gold coins scattered from the open end.

"Nice doing business with you Baron, Baroness. Ben will be by with the contract, and then we'll have a nice little business meeting and dinner. We have some ideas."

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