Maybe a Fake Gintama

February 14th, early morning, Yoshiwara.

"Don't you have to go to the dojo today?" Kawaki eyed Seita, who was unusually dressed in a fitted suit, across the breakfast table. "What's with that get-up? It's nauseating. And did you use mousse in your hair? Should a kid your age be using that stuff?"

"Do you really not know what day it is, Brother Kawaki?" Seita asked incredulously.

"I've told you it's Sazae-san mode," Kawaki waved dismissively, "there's really no need to remember dates."

"Today is Valentine's Day!" Seita leaned in, whispering conspiratorially, "It's an important day for receiving chocolates!"

"Oh! Now I remember!" Kawaki finally reacted, then stroked his chin in thought, and responded, "Yes, I remember such a day. When I was young, every year in February, I'd find many chocolate wrappers in my desk pocket, all sneakily eaten by Gintoki. He always gave me a look that was hard to interpret, whether it was jealousy or satisfaction."

"Wait?! Brother Kawaki, were you popular enough during your school days to receive lots of chocolates on Valentine's Day?!" Seita was astonished. "And now you're just an otaku!"

"Hey, is that really how you see me?" Kawaki replied flatly, then scoffed, "Only a premature kid like you, who's entered puberty too early due to environmental influences, would look forward to that. Valentine's Day? Chocolates? That's just a conspiracy by confectioners. If you can't express your feelings without the push from corporations, then it's not worth expressing at all!"

"That's a line I used to say when I still lived in the Sanzenin mansion," Kagura interjected, having arrived at some point and effortlessly taking a seat at the table, starting to eat from Kawaki's plate as if it was the most natural thing.

"Hey," Kawaki reached over to thump Kagura on the head, "how can you just sit down and start eating like that? Did you come here just for the breakfast? Give it a rest!"

"Sister Kagura, do you have any? There must be some, right? Even obligatory chocolate is fine! Please! I haven't received a single one today! Even Mom didn't prepare any for me!" Seita pleaded eagerly.

"I made some this morning, chocolate-flavored ice cream, then it got washed away," Kagura mentioned casually.

At this revelation, everyone at the table except for Kagura stopped eating.

"Who are you trying to disgust?!" Kawaki covered his mouth, his face full of revulsion. "Can that even count as chocolate?! I can't even eat my breakfast now!"

"Ah, thanks for the meal." Saying this, Kagura gathered all the food on the table in front of her and continued to eat contentedly.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

...

"Full, so full..." Kagura patted her stomach, exaggerated as if she were pregnant, then stuck a toothpick in her mouth contentedly.

"I'm off to play games," Kawaki announced, standing up to head towards the door.

After only a couple of steps, he paused and turned back to Tsukuyo, who was sitting stiffly at the table. "Hey, are you okay? You've been really weird today. Usually, you'd drag me out on patrol if I said something like this, but today you haven't said anything. I'm almost not used to it."

"No, it's normal!" Tsukuyo looked up, insisting firmly.

"But it doesn't seem normal no matter how you look at it... your posture, your expression, everything's off," Kawaki murmured, squinting suspiciously at Tsukuyo.

"Very normal!" Tsukuyo insisted again.

"No, no, no, it all seems so abnormal," Kawaki continued, staring intently at Tsukuyo and falling into thought.

Feeling uncomfortable under Kawaki's gaze, Tsukuyo turned her face away.

"You…" Kawaki's expression grew serious, "could it be…"

As he spoke, Tsukuyo surreptitiously nudged the chocolate hidden behind her back further out of sight.

"Could it be... the morning's chocolate…"

Hearing the word 'chocolate', Tsukuyo's ears turned red.

"Was the chocolate ice cream this morning not sitting well?" Kawaki continued, "Then go ahead, I'll wait for you to come out of the bathroom so we can go on patrol together."

Hearing this, Tsukuyo's forehead bulged with veins, and she quickly pulled out several kunai, throwing them straight at Kawaki's forehead.

"Ah—!!" Kawaki screamed.

...

Kagura, eyes narrowed and expressionless, watched as Tsukuyo dragged a bleeding, twitching Kawaki behind her.

"Such a man is my uncle, and I genuinely feel a profound shame," Kagura stated expressionlessly.

"He really is an enigma, this man," Hinowa commented with a smile. "He seems like just a fool, yet somehow manages to attract women without even trying."

"Are you talking about Tsukki? Maybe," Kagura replied casually, then casually blew on her pinky and stood up. "Well, breakfast is over, thanks for the meal. Time to head back."

...

"Kawaki-sama! Here's my chocolate! I spent all night making it!"

"And mine! It's true love chocolate!"

"Mine too, true love!"

"And mine!"

...

Watching courtesans surrounding Kawaki, each holding up chocolates, Tsukuyo felt a wave of irritation. If not for the risk of injuring them, she might have thrown all her kunai already.

Patrol took unexpectedly long as in every shop they passed, countless women rushed out to give Kawaki chocolates, all claiming them to be 'true love chocolate'.

By 11 AM, carrying a stack of chocolates taller than himself, Kawaki smiled and waved at the courtesans from the last shop he visited.

"Keep up the good work today~"

"Yes~!" the courtesans chorused in response.

"Really, giving chocolates to such a man," Tsukuyo commented disdainfully as she held her kiseru, "It's futile, the end result is always the same, they just get thrown away."

"Tsukki, you're being harsh," Kawaki peeked from behind the towering pile of chocolates, complaining, "Even I, who am not fond of sweets, would eat all these chocolates instead of throwing them away. These chocolates contain the girls' feelings, after all. Even someone as unsentimental as I wouldn't discard them."

"Really?!" the Hyakka members exclaimed in surprise, then pulled out their chocolates and crowded around Kawaki.

"Kawaki-sama, please take care of my true love chocolate too!"

"And mine! Since I know you don't like sweets much, I made it less sweet!"

"Try my chocolate, I spent two nights making it just for you, Kawaki-sama!"

"Only two nights? I started preparing a week ago!"

"A week? I started preparing a month ago!"

"I've been preparing for half a year!"

"I started a year ago!"

...

As the Hyakka ladies argued, Kawaki twitched his mouth and commented, "Can you even eat one-year-old chocolate? It'll definitely give you diarrhea."

Watching the scene unfold, Tsukuyo sighed again. She was about to say something when a slightly shorter Hyakka member approached shyly.

"Leader, please accept this," the member handed a pink heart-shaped box of chocolates to Tsukuyo. "It's not as good as the ones sold outside, but I made it myself last night."

Holding the chocolate, Tsukuyo fell silent.

"Look, even your leader is receiving chocolates from a girl on Valentine's Day," Kawaki addressed the Hyakka, "It's said that someone once claimed to have discarded her femininity, so it's not strange for her to receive chocolates from a girl."

As he finished, Tsukuyo's forehead throbbed with even more veins.

"No! That's not it!" the shorter member quickly explained, "It's just to thank the leader for her usual care! It's not what Mr. Kawaki thinks! Besides, I think the leader is very handsome! In my heart, the leader is even more handsome than Mr. Kawaki!"

"Pfft!" Kawaki couldn't help but snicker, turning his face away, "You mean to say she's more manly than a real man? Tsukki, you've got a great subordinate here who really understands you."

"I didn't mean that!" the member hastily clarified, "I just meant the leader is infinitely more reliable than Mr. Kawaki!"

"Is that so? More manly than me by infinite degrees." Kawaki grinned at Tsukuyo, "Hear that? Aren't you happy?"

"Enough—!!" At her limit, Tsukuyo pulled out all her kunai and threw them all at Kawaki in a fit of rage.

"Ah—!!"

...

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