Maybe a Fake Gintama

"Come on, give me a break; these jerks are just messing with me," Kawaki sighed deeply, his expression one of utter defeat. "If it's going to be like this, I'd rather watch OOO, OOO, and OOO's childbirth reports."

"Um, Brother Kawaki, who are OOO, OOO, and OOO?" Seita asked.

"What? You don't know?" Kawaki looked confused. "They're friends of the failed author. Last October, the author attended four weddings; three had kids last month."

"Um... isn't there a timing issue? How come they married in October and had children by June next year..." Seita deadpanned.

"Who knows~" Kawaki waved his hand dismissively, then scoffed, "Cut it out, each one of them goes, 'Ah~ It feels so unreal; I've become a parent without realizing it~ I wonder if I can be a good father (mother). Oh, I'm so nervous~' It's sickening! If you're worried about being a bad parent, you should have taken precautions! They must have been pregnant at their weddings! They got married just to become parents! Why on earth would you say such a thing in a chat group? It infuriates me! I don't even want to go to the baby's full-month celebration! Hey, give me back the wedding gift money!"

"Um..." After a long silence, Seita finally muttered, "Who are you?"

...

"Hey, Brother Kawaki, someone sent a wedding announcement!" Seita exclaimed, looking at the New Year's card in his hands.

Hearing this, Kawaki casually glanced at the New Year's card in Seita's hand. The card showed a burly Gintoki in a suit embracing a wedding dress-clad Sacchan holding a bouquet of roses at the church entrance.

"I got married, Ah, Otae~ Sorry for jumping the gun~ Thanks to the matchmaking session recommended by the gaming otaku~."

"It looks like this one deserves a proper reply," Kawaki said as he picked up a pen and began writing on a blank card before him.

"Wishing you both a century of good union, to moisten each other like natto, stinking together for a lifetime. —Kawaki."

"Um... Brother Kawaki, this is like a marriage scam, right?" Seita muttered, looking at the card, "Isn't that someone else's neck under Gintoki's? It's made with unskilled Photoshop, right?"

"Seita, you wouldn't understand," Kawaki crossed his arms, shook his head, and closed his eyes gravely, "Girls always edit their photos, no matter if they are unattractive or beautiful, they just focus on editing their image; completely neglecting others, leading to a result where only they stand out, while everyone else looks like they're living in another world. Like this photo, Gintoki looks like he's living in another dimension."

"I see!" Seita nodded vigorously, then picked up another card, "So, Brother Kawaki, are you also living in another world in this one?"

"Every day, the three of us live happily together, feeling like we're about to ascend to heaven after a couple more rounds~ Kawaki-sama, please don't spare us! — Gedoumaru, Kuzunoha (PS: After the wedding, please come to the Ketsuno residence to collect our shrine.)"

The picture showed Kawaki's face photoshopped, but the neck was dressed in Onmyoji attire, with Gedoumaru and Kuzunoha by his side.

"Kill them! This time, they're going to ascend!" Kawaki snatched the postcard from Haruta's hands and tore it to shreds, "What are they playing at? This time, they're going up!"

As soon as Kawaki spoke, two wrapped figures burst excitedly through the window.

"Kawaki-sama! Come on! We've been waiting for this moment!" Kuzunoha shouted excitedly, There seemed to be no clothes under her neck, "I've got fox ears and a tail! Any man would love it! Kawaki-sama, don't spare me! Come on!"

"Quick, I can't wait any longer! Takamagahara, here I come!" Gedoumaru, equally excited, exclaimed.

"Damn it!!"

As he shouted, Kawaki, white with rage and veins popping, kicked both figures along with their bedding out the window.

"Um, Brother Kawaki," Seita said, holding a stack of New Year's cards, expressionless, "It's no use; they've sent a lot."

"Hey—! There's a limit to joking! It's too unnatural! Below the head is that disgusting sister complex, right?"

"It seems congratulations cards have also arrived," Seitaa said, holding up several cards expressionlessly.

"Ah? When was the wedding? Why wasn't I informed? Did you finish reading the last page of that Jump? Remember to lend it to me after you're done. — Zenzou."

"Truly worthy of Kawaki, happy marriage. — The entire Kiheitai. (PS: Since learning of Kawaki's marriage, Shinsuke-sama has seemed a bit down; he's been gloomy for days — Bansai)."

"Ah, that beautiful officer from Planet Oppai seemed very interested in your wedding, Kawaki. She's bringing the entire planet fleet to congratulate you on Earth, so I just brought them along to Earth. Don't worry; they'll make it to the wedding. — Sakamoto Tatsuma."

"You are something, aha! But you can't compare to me! Not only did I remarry Crystel, but we've also had a child! It looks just like Seimei! — Douman."

Douman's card showed a family of three holding a child, but the faces were replaced with Douman, Crystel, and Seimei.

"Hey! What the heck did these guys do?!" Kawaki was beside himself but suddenly noticed something, "Wait, wait, wait! Isn't the head on that sister-complex card just cut from that card?! Hey, did you guys write these together? Are the two families that close now?! Hey, where did my body go? Where exactly is my body?!"

"Here..." Seita pointed to a card.

"Here's the head, but can you leave the body to me? It can be used for surgical practice. — A certain universe's number one plastic surgeon."

The picture was of Kawaki's body.

"It looks like rumors have spread everywhere," Seita looked at the countless cards on the table, "Not just on Earth, but even in space... things seem to be getting more complicated..."

"Hehe..." Kawaki twitched his mouth, a completely broken expression on his face, "Earth is doomed; let's all die together... hehe... hehe..."

"Even 'that group of apes' sent one," Seita muttered, looking at a card on the table.

"Happy marriage! It'd be great if our children could go to school together. Doesn't he look like Shinpachi? Hey, my apprentice, you've mastered the methods I taught you well; I'm relieved."

The picture similarly showed a couple holding a child, but the three were replaced with Shinpachi, Otae, and Kondo.

"Wishing your family of three eternal happiness in hell..." Kawaki mechanically wrote on the card, his face only showing a broken smile, "No, may everyone be eternally happy in hell... hehe..."

"Calm down, Brother Kawaki!" Seita quickly shook Kawaki's shoulders, "It's just a misunderstanding; it can be resolved! Just clear up the misunderstandings one by one! There's still time for Earth!"

"Hehe, yes, Earth still has time, but... I don't have any time left..." Kawaki turned to look at the massive cannon barrel and several glaring surgical knives that had somehow extended through the window, "Seita, if you can stand up, run. They won't involve children... hehe, goodbye, my life..."

Seeing the dire situation, Seita turned and ran out.

...

In a vacant lot in Yoshiwara, Kawaki, tightly bound, was stuffed into a massive cannon, pointing straight at the sky.

Beside the cannon stood three women: one in green military attire with a cap, her explosive figure crowned by flowing blue hair, her expression cold, holding a smoking pipe in one hand.

Another wore a white lab coat, and her white blouse underneath was bulging. She had long red hair, a lit cigarette in her mouth, a teardrop mole under her right eye, and a cold expression.

And then there was Tsukuyo, holding a kiseru, her expression indifferent.

"Um... long time no see, you two," Kawaki said, his face sweaty as he addressed the two women before him.

The military woman glanced coldly at Kawaki, then gestured to her subordinates to prepare the cannon.

"Earth's New Year... it does need some fireworks, don't you think? An ex-boyfriend who owes debts..." The woman in the white lab coat casually exhaled a puff of smoke and spoke indifferently.

"Hey! Tsukki! Save me!" Seeing that the two women had no intention of stopping, Kawaki quickly turned to Tsukuyo for help, "Please! Save me—!!"

"You'd better die sooner..." Tsukuyo's eyes were ice cold.

"Hey! Sakamoto! What have you done?!" Kawaki shouted at Sakamoto, standing in front of a crowd of Kaientai members.

"Ahahaha, it's none of my business, just business." Sakamoto, scratching his head, laughed heartily, "Speaking of which, you're buying the drinks today, right?"

As the fuse was lit, Kawaki looked up and screamed in despair, "No—!!"

But no one paid him any attention.

After a loud boom, Kawaki... ascended to heaven.

Watching the huge fireworks explode in the sky, accompanied by Kawaki's screams, the three women simultaneously revealed a hint of pleasure.

"Disperse!" The woman in military attire turned around and commanded sharply without looking back.

"Farewell." The woman in the white lab coat casually glanced at Tsukuyo and sauntered off with a swagger.

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