Vaudevillain

"I thought you were attempting to sneak your toys onto Santa's sleigh," Dextra commented.

"Well," Dr. Zlo said. "Considering my entrance was infinitely more grand than I anticipated, I improvised."

"Hmm," Dextra answered. "Well, I'm not sure how you're going to convince this Santa Claus to deliver your presents."

"Why, it's elementary my dear Dextra," Dr. Zlo said with a twirl of his mustache. "Every Santa Claus has a Ms. Claus, and as we know there's nothing a good husband won't do for his precious wife."

"Now that is quite evil, Dr. Zlo," Dextra said.

"You compliment me so," Dr. Zlo replied. "Now, to find our matriarchal manipulation!"

Dr. Zlo drove the Zlomobile forward into the ranks of the panicking elves. The civilians dove out of the way, while the guardsmen not on the wall took shots at the incoming car. Their weapons bounced harmlessly off the Zlomobile's armor.

"Who to grab…" Dr. Zlo mused as he moved.

"Him." Dextra pointed to an elf fleeing toward a secure bunker.

The villain rolled the window down. "Salutations my scared friend. Could you possibly provide me with some directions? I'm afraid I'm a bit lost."

Dr. Zlo chuckled at the elf's scared face. "Come now, all you have to do is provide me with the location of Ms. Claus and I will be out of your hair."

"I don't know nothing!" the elf shouted.

"Double negatives mean you do know something," Dextra said.

The elf shut his mouth and attempted to run faster. He was only a bit away from the bunker and if he reached it these villains wouldn't be able to catch him. Sadly, the Zlomobile was faster than an elf's legs, and Dr. Zlo easily swerved the car in front of the fleeing civilian.

"It seems we need a bit more information," Dr. Zlo said, pressing a button on the dashboard.

The Zlomobile's hood opened once again, revealing a grabbing claw that reached out for the elf. The man tried to run, but was unable to escape Dr. Zlo's machine. He found himself lifted in the air and placed through the sunroof into the passenger seat. Dr. Zlo pressed another button and seatbelts sprouted to entangle the elf.

"Much better," Dr. Zlo said. "After all, safety first!"

"Let me go!" the elf shouted.

"What? Unwilling to help a villain out? Where's that helpful Christmas spirit? Tis the season of giving after all!" Dr. Zlo quipped.

"Not when people are trying to take Christmas!" the elf shouted.

"Not take," Dextra said. "Repurpose."

"It's the same thing!" the elf shouted. "And you can't make me talk!"

"I do love it when they're disobedient," Dr. Zlo said. "It gives me a chance to use my toys."

"Hold on," Dextra said, stopping Dr. Zlo before he pressed another button. "Let me interrogate him."

Dr. Zlo removed his hand from the dashboard and instead pressed a button on the passenger seat. "If you insist."

The seat spun around, giving Dextra access to the elf. The villain wasted no time questioning the civilian, using their power to narrow down what they wanted.

"Mrs. Claus is inside the keep, apparently directing the troops," Dextra said.

"What? Not baking cookies or something else Christmasy?" Dr. Zlo asked.

"Apparently not."

Dr. Zlo shook his head. "And they say we're the ones ruining Christmas. Imagine, a Mrs. Claus that isn't baking cookies or caring for the reindeer. Why, that's barely Christmas at all!"

"I feel like you're getting stuck in semantics," Dextra said.

"Which is why we must tear down this abominable holiday and replace it with Zlomas!" Dr. Zlo finished.

"Your logic never ceases to amaze."

"Of course it doesn't," Dr. Zlo answered. "I'm an inscrutable genius."

With those words, Dr. Zlo spun the car towards the fortress keep. "Jacques-a-pult, go!"

The villain activated his invention, sending Jacques of all shapes and sizes launching from the Zlomobile into the fight. Lugs, Eggheads, and generic variants landed in combat poses, ready to take on the world. A few of the minions were instantly taken out by the barrage of candy cane weaponry, but the majority were able to mount an offensive toward the keep. They cleared the road for Dr. Zlo, who pressed his foot down hard on the gas pedal.

"Ramming speed!" he shouted.

The Zlomobile slammed into the keep's doors, shaking them and splintering the wooden bar holding them shut. However, the gates did not spring open, and Dr. Zlo was forced to reverse. An unfortunate Jacques was sent flying from the movement, landing in a heap next to a sack of soft pillows.

Dr. Zlo drove forward once more, this time breaking through the keep doors. Elf guards went flying, their attempts to hold the door on the other side stymied.

"Nothing can stand in the way of my genius!" Dr. Zlo shouted.

"Nothing but some good Christmas cheer," a matronly voice said.

An elderly woman stepped out in front of the Zlomobile, a tray of cookies in one hand and a bag in the other. She wore bright red, matching a certain jolly character, and had a calm smile on her face. She resembled Mrs. Claus to a tee. There was only one thing that seemed different from the traditional look, a pair of aviator sunglasses instead of spectacles.

Mrs. Claus stood with an easy confidence, something Dr. Zlo took offense to.

"You're not supposed to be out here!" he shouted. "I have this whole plan to kidnap you! That means you should be cowering in some safe room with a whole army of elves between you and I. And then I would brilliantly fight through them all, showing off my great might and power and showing you how futile it is to resist!"

"Plans often change," Mrs. Claus said. "Best to just work with what you got."

The older woman tossed her bag onto the ground. "For example, I got this nice present for you."

The bag unfurled, revealing a bundle of elves decked out in body armor and carrying heavy weaponry. They sounded a war cry on release, firing a barrage of Christmas cheer at the enemy. The Zlomobile found a wave of sharpened candy canes, molten hot chocolate, and an entire Christmas dinner coming its way.

Dr. Zlo hastily pressed the shield button on his dashboard. The strange weaponry smashed against the car's defenses, draining most of the shield's battery. Dr. Zlo growled and stepped on the gas, attempting to run the elves over. They scattered out of the way, nimbler than Dr. Zlo expected.

"This might be getting too ridiculous," Dextra said.

"All the more reason for me to win," Dr. Zlo growled.

He pressed another button on the Zlomobile, opening the headlights to reveal two laser cannons. They unleashed their payload into the elves, hitting a few but missing more often than not. However, it created space for the Zlomobile, which Dr. Zlo used to unleash the last of his Jacques. The minions landed in various fighting postures, ready to take on the world.

Dr. Zlo left them to it and stepped out of the car.

"What are you doing?" Dextra asked.

"This requires a more personal touch," Dr. Zlo answered. "Mrs. Claus here needs to know who beat her."

"Oh, is it time to put the toys away?" Mrs. Claus asked.

"Playtime's over, yes," Dr. Zlo said. "The gloves are coming off!"

The villain threw his gloves to the ground, laughing maniacally as his invention picked itself up. The villain's dueling gloves readied into a boxing stance, performing quick jabs towards Mrs. Claus. The woman, in turn, tossed her tray of cookies to the floor. A moment later, the cookies started to stand and grow, revealing themselves to be gingerbread men.

Dr. Zlo narrowed his eyes at the scene. "Your minions will be no match against the might of my genius!"

"We'll see," Mrs. Claus said.

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