Vaudevillain

Dylan hummed as he directed his giant crab machine down the slope. "Dodododo do dodo do do do."

He flipped a switch on his control panel and two large floodlights (located where the crab's eyes would be) illuminated the dark waters with shining light. Fish and other sea creatures swam out of sight as the two powerful lamps scanned the seafloor for the cliff the Doloris had seen on its scouting mission.

Dylan had found that he could affect the materials needed to build his contraptions by changing his description. If he added the materials he wanted in the description it would add them to the ingredients list. He'd gotten the idea when his request for a submarine listed a nuclear engine as a material. There was no way he could find something like that.

What Dylan did find was a car park next to a junkyard. The perfect place for him to create many new inventions. The overlay made it ridiculously easy. He didn't even need to own the stuff before using it. And so, Haven City was short one car park and junkyard but had gained a brand new crab walker. All things considered, it was a plus.

His fight with that Heroic guy had been a great way to test out his new adhesive foam. But he needed to work on getting into character quicker. He'd had a good few seconds to become the role and instead used it to comment about the swearing filter. "Who even adds a filter to voice chat anyways?"

"What's that boss?"

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with Cass. Get back on lookout."

"Sure boss. I just thought you could use a little company you know. This ocean's a lonely place."

"Cass if you're scared of being alone just say so."

Dylan put on airs and sighed. "Fine, come here."

"Gee thanks boss. You're the greatest." Cass enveloped Dylan in a bear hug.

"Get off me you dolt!" Dylan shoved the butler away.

"But boss you said we should stick together."

"I meant we stay in the same room. Not for you to crush my chest cavity with arms of steel! Oh, go keep watch over there."

"But--"

"Go!"

Cass walked away, mumbling. "All I did was do what he said I don't know why he got so upset about it. If he didn't want me to do it he shoulda said it differently."

Dylan turned away from his bungling butler and back out at the open sea. The floodlights scanned the ground with every step and Dylan kept his eyes peeled. The seafloor had changed from white sand to hard rock and ambush predators lay in wait behind cracks in the floor. As the crab bot walked past these creatures would either retreat further inside their shelter or dart away in fear.

After a few more steps Dylan saw an edge at the end of the floodlights. "There!" He pointed.

"There what boss?"

"The cliff Cass! I see it there! Phlebotinium here we come!"

Dylan grabbed the controls. With a twist of a knob and the press of a button, the crab sped up to the edge of the cliff. Once the bot was close enough to see the cliff Dylan pulled the long brake handle. The machine slowed to crawl, stopping just before the edge of the cliff.

Dylan peered over the edge of the window, manipulating the controls so the crab bent forwards to get a better view. The floodlights pointed straight down the cliff's edge and illuminated the floor below. Dylan stared at one of the grandest sites he'd ever seen.

At the bottom of the cliff, just past the cliff wall, lay a cross-shaped structure. It looked to be built out of durable steel and crisscrossing beams anchored it to the seafloor. At each end of the cross was a solid metal door shaped in a circle. In the middle of the entire structure sat a spiraling antenna.

Groups of submarines patrolled around the area in groups of twos and threes. Dylan shifted the crab so it crouched low on the cliff, out of sight. The submarines moved on a set course around the complex, bubbles from their rotors floating to the surface. Whenever a sea creature moved too close the subs would deviate from their course and attack. Harpoons would launch from apertures on the bottom of the sub, spearing the soft flesh of the animals.

A flash of movement caught Dylan's eye. He squinted to see a group of scuba geared humans swim out from under the complex towards a fenced-off area. Each held a scythe that they used to harvest seaweed and other underwater plants from the fenced location. These harvesters would bring the material towards the complex and disappear underneath only to emerge again later and perform the task again.

"So how we getting in boss?"

"Simple Cass. We knock."

Dylan pulled back on the brake, letting the giant crab bot tip over the edge and scuttle down the cliffside. Mechanical feet punctured the hard rock and Dylan braced himself against the control panel. The world turned sideways and Cass fell onto the front window. "Cass stop playing around and get off the window!"

"Sorry boss," Cass wheezed. The butler rolled out of the way.

The crab bot reached the bottom of the cliff without incident and righted itself. Dylan pulled down on another lever resting above him. The two pincers on the crab snapped open and Dylan directed his vehicle towards the complex door closest to him. "Let's say hello shall we."

Submarines turned to intercept the giant crab, firing harpoons as they neared. Many pierced into the crab's main body but its thick metallic hide prevented any heavy damage. In response, Dylan pressed a button on the pincer lever. Torpedoes fired from openings inside the claws.

The submarines all dodged in a synchronized dance but Dylan had created the torpedoes with a remote control function. Cass remotely steered the torpedoes around for another pass. The submarines continued to dance away from the bullish torpedoes. But every second they spent dodging was one they weren't using to fire on the bot.

With Cass steering the torpedoes, Dylan maneuvered his crab towards the door. Two pincers grabbed the edges, piercing into the metal with ease. Dylan pressed another button on the console. His voice crackled to life on a loudspeaker. "Beginning docking procedures. All Jacques prepare for boarding."

The crab bot's legs spread out and lowered the main body to sit equal to the door. Two panels in the middle of the body slid open to reveal a set of large doors. Dylan pulled a lever and the crab shuffled forwards, the open mouth enveloping the end of the door. Dylan pressed down on a button and sealing foam connected the two areas. Another button and a pair of automated welders burned through the door of the secret base.

Down below the top hat control center, in the depths of the crab, Jacques sat packed together like sardines. Dylan had created over a hundred of them while performing various tasks to build the crab bot. Now the small army was holed up inside, waiting for the orders to board.

When the orders came through the Jacques jumped to life. The minions formed a long line starting from the large docking bay doors. The Jacques at the very back fixed the one in front's hat, which caused a chain event where each Jacques behind fixed the bowler hat of the one in front. Once the final Jacques hat had been fixed Dr. Zlo's voice came through the loudspeaker again. "Docking bay doors opening, prepare for combat."

The heavy doors whirred to life and the Jacques milled about anxiously. Water spilled out from the other side of the door, splashing the dress shoes of the Jacques. Once the doors opened enough for a person to walk through, the Jacques surged forwards in a march. They exited the crab bot one at a time and into the secret base.

Men in black combat gear were waiting on the other side. They fired guns into the mass of minions. But for every Jacques the soldiers took down two more stepped over. Soon the soldier's position was overrun by the whirling fists of the Jacques.

Some of the minions grabbed the guns of the downed soldiers. Soon a perimeter formed around the docking doors while patrols of Jacques extended their area of control, checking the side doors in the complex. A simple chain of command formed, those who held guns commanded those who didn't.

Dr. Zlo stepped through the crab bot's doors and into the complex proper. Four Jacques were kneeling behind a line of sandbags. Each held a pistol in one hand and aimed it down the long hallway. A fifth Jacques, holding an assault rifle, walked up to Dr. Zlo and saluted.

"Good work. Have we found the target yet?"

The Jacques shook its head.

Dr. Zlo nodded. "Continue searching until we've uncovered every secret in this laboratory. I myself will be heading to the middle of this complex. I want to see what they are doing with all that seaweed."

The Jacques nodded and directed two of the others to guard the villain. They saluted and flanked Dr. Zlo's side. Nodding in thanks, Dr. Zlo strode forth. He ignored the other doors to each side, the Jacques had the area contained. Cass followed behind, covering the rear.

Dylan was surprised. The Jacques were behaving strangely competent. He had expected many of them to fall from sheer stupidity since their main form of combat was windmilling their arms at the enemy. But these minions had taken the area and set up a perimeter. He wondered if the patch had fixed some sort of bug.

A closed door stood in front of Dylan. On the right side sat a control panel with two large buttons. Dylan tried one and the door hissed open. On the other side sat a squad of entrenched soldiers. The four were entrenched behind more sandbags and aiming their assault rifles. Dylan closed the door again as a hail of bullets shot out to greet him.

The bullets rat-a-tat-tat-ted against the metal doors. "Right," Dylan pointed to the Jacques. "You two take a defensive position. I'm going to open the door again. When I do, fire at them."

The Jacques nodded and crouched on the other side of the door. A lip gave just enough room for the minions to hide their bodies behind. Cass squeezed in with Dr. Zlo on the other side. The doctor pressed the open button and the doors hissed open once again. Gunfire sounded and Dylan heard the bullets connected with the lip but none penetrated.

The firing lulled. "Fire!" Dr. Zlo yelled.

Nodding, the two minions burst out of their cover, windmilling their arms in attack. Both held their carried pistols like clubs. Dylan facepalmed. "Must I do everything myself?"

He stepped out from behind cover and aimed with his monocle. The soldiers had turned to deal with the attacking Jacques which gave him time to fire off two shots before they responded. An arc of red light impacted one of the soldiers while the other collided with the sandbag cover. The soldiers turned to fire back at Dr. Zlo but he once again ducked behind the edge of the door. The Jacques descended on the remaining soldiers at that moment. Whirling arms and heavy pistols cracked the skulls of two soldiers and Dr. Zlo fired off another laser to finish off the third.

To celebrate their victory, the two Jacques grabbed assault rifles from the downed soldiers. They held the weapon barrel first and whirled their arms to test their new weapons. Dr. Zlo rolled his eyes. He picked up the remaining two rifles and handed one to Cass. "I trust you know how to use a weapon like this?"

Cass grabbed the assault weapon with both hands. "What's not to know? You point it at the enemy and pull the trigger. Easy as pie."

At least some of the minions weren't completely hopeless. Dylan wondered if the Jacques simple AI came from a lack of description. The hatbots weren't anywhere close to the stupidity of the Jacques. It could be worth looking into making a more sophisticated minion factory.

More gunfire brought Dylan out of his thoughts. Cass was firing down the hall at another group of entrenched soldiers. The squad had ducked under the sandbags for protection but Cass wasn't anywhere close to hitting them. Bullets ricocheted off the ceiling as the recoil brought the butler's arms upward.

Dylan took the opportunity to send the Jacques forward again. He provided covering fire with his assault rifle and then let the minions club the soldiers with their pilfered rifles. When the fight finished he tossed his weapon and grabbed a new one. "You should replace your weapon as well," he said to Cass. The butler nodded and grabbed another rifle.

This continued for three more doors, each identical to the last. "Someone needs to work on their base design," Dylan commented as he passed through the last door.

The middle of the complex hosted an elevator straight out of science fiction. It was a sleek pearl white and hummed with energy. Six soldiers stood guard behind a sandbag barricade. Two of the six stood behind a machine gun emplacement.

Dylan dove back behind the doors as the turret opened fire. The soldier didn't even need to aim as a storm of bullets ripped through the two Jacques. They had been too slow to move. Dylan peeked past the door as the machine gun fired and quickly ducked back again as a bullet pinged off the metal above him.

Huddled behind the doorframe, Dylan turned the knob on his cane. Peeking around again, he turned the nozzle at the end towards the group of sandbags and fired. A red liquid sprayed outward and splattered on the sandbags, the soldiers, and the soldier's guns. As it contacted the substance ignited, setting the area on fire.

Dylan stepped out as Dr. Zlo. "Cass, make sure they all don't burn to death. I've heard immolation is a terrible way to go."

"You got it boss."

Dr. Zlo strutted over the elevator and called it up. It dinged open and Dr. Zlo walked inside and looked around for the buttons. Finding them, he held down the door open button while waiting for Cass to finish putting out the fires. While waiting he took a look at the descriptions next to each floor. "Ah, there it is. Superpower research. That must be where the phlebotinium is."

Cass finished putting out the last of the fires and entered the elevator. Dylan selected the floor listing superpower research and let go of the door open button. The elevator doors closed with a hum and the two descended into the bowels of the secret base.

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