Transformation or Death

Severed Traces (7)

Joo Ah-yoon has no dreams.  

Like most modern people, she was the same.

When it’s even urgent just to make a living, what kind of talk is dreams or romance? It’s been over ten years since she held such cynicism.

The catalyst was nothing special. It was when she realized there was no Santa Claus. She opened her eyes in the morning with a throbbing heart, but there were no gift boxes anywhere in the house, and the precious memory that had kept her childlike innocence was shattered.

On that day, Joo Ah-yoon’s world collapsed….

Starting with such a trivial thing, people slowly begin to change. She was the same.

What made these thoughts more intense was when she started being bullied at school.

Since childhood, she was someone who cried a lot, was small in stature, and had severe mood swings, so she was a good plaything for her peers.

Even a little teasing would immediately get a reaction, giving them the satisfaction of picking a fight. She was also weak, so there was little chance of retaliation, making her an easy target. And she was always whining, which made her disliked.

At first, it was always small bullying, like loud gossip or throwing eraser dust during class.

“Ah, don’t do that!”  

“What’s going on over there! We’re in class right now!”

Once the accumulated small bullying made her overreact, they had a good excuse. The teacher didn’t scold them, but reprimanded Joo Ah-yoon instead, and the third parties who weren’t involved in the pranks would glare at her with unpleasant looks for causing a disturbance. Of course, the bullying kids did too.

Countless gazes tightened around her like a noose. Instantly becoming the center of attention and labeled as a strange kid, Joo Ah-yoon fell silent. And she regretted it.

‘I won’t do that next time.’

Of course, the bullying didn’t stop.

“Ah, fuck!” 

“Joo Ah-yoon!”

She would hold it in, then explode again and become the strange kid again, then hold it in again and react again.

It was a vicious cycle.

As she gradually became isolated, Joo Ah-yoon thought, 

‘I just want to live comfortably.’

She had no dreams. No grandiose goals. She just wanted to have fun. She wanted to live comfortably without worries. Rather than agonizing or falling into discomfort from chasing something, she just wanted to live comfortably right away.

It was enough of the dreams she had while sleeping. She didn’t want to place any greater meaning on them.

The young Joo Ah-yoon’s mind was filled with such thoughts.

Amid the growing anxiety and bullying, Joo Ah-yoon happened to help someone who had collapsed on the street.

She was in no position to help anyone, and she suddenly wondered what business it was of hers, worried that she might just get cursed out for helping. That was the usual perspective she lived with. It was highly unusual for her to lend a helping hand to someone.

She’s forgotten now why she helped that person that day.

It could have been a developed need for recognition and wanting to be praised, or she might have coveted some kind of reward for helping. It could have been because she felt uneasy at the thought that the person might die as a result of her ignoring them, or it could have just been because the sunlight was strong that day. It didn’t matter how it happened.

Joo Ah-yoon didn’t regret her meddling that day.

“Thank… you….”

The name of the person who received her unexpected help was Yoon Seol-hwa. 

This small act of help became a turning point in her life.

“It’s you. Thank you for helping Seol-hwa.”

This encounter later led to meeting Han Jae-jung, who was famous as a handsome bully throughout the school.

Joo Ah-yoon considered her meddling that day a lifetime of good fortune.

“Brother.”

That thought hasn’t changed to this day.

“Hm? What is it?”

“Eat first, then talk. Eat first. It’s not that urgent.”

In addition to the thought that hadn’t changed from her childhood to now, there was one more thought Joo Ah-yoon had.

She let out a small laugh as she watched Han Jae-jung hurriedly stuff chicken down his throat late at night. She had urgently ordered the chicken because he said he hadn’t eaten yet that night. Apparently he was very hungry, as the chicken was quickly disappearing. There was still a childlike part of him remaining that was somehow endearing. Just looking at him made her feel full. Was this the sensation parents often described as ‘feeling full just from watching’?

“I’m curious why you made a contract with the stars, brother.”

“Ah, that… It’s nothing special.”

Han Jae-jung’s thick Adam’s apple bobbed once before he opened his mouth. His lips were delicate compared to his thick neck line. Naturally rosy lips that would make anyone think he was wearing makeup if they saw them. It was just one part of his features, but it was enough to earn him praise for being handsome. Up until recently, he had been walking around looking like a homeless person despite such good looks. As always, he didn’t know how to make use of his face.

“If it’s nothing special, then there’s no reason to hide it. Tell me so I can use it as a reference when guessing my dongsaeng’s goals.”

“Well, I guess there’s no reason I can’t say….”

Han Jae-jung smiled a little awkwardly and answered her question.

“If a protector protects everyone, then who protects the protector?”

Joo Ah-yoon still had no dreams. That was her unchanged philosophy.  

She wanted to live without dreams. She didn’t want to walk a difficult path bound by such goals. She had already had enough hardship.

The mindset formed since childhood gradually became clearer.

The simple thought of ‘having no dreams’ paradoxically became an ideal state she wanted to achieve. 

The hardened ideal grew larger over time and eventually became a philosophy.

Only those without dreams can be happy.

This was Joo Ah-yoon’s philosophy. It could be likened to the Taoist concept of non-action. Living life as it flows, without any artificial notions.

She lived with the goal of a life without goals.

That’s why, to Joo Ah-yoon, those with dreams were pitiable. They were the unfortunate ones. No matter how hard they tried to fulfill their desires, that thirst would never be quenched.  

“It’s not some grandiose goal. You know what a protector is, right? The magical girl types. Isn’t it pitiful for them? Making those kids risk their lives fighting at that young age… that’s abuse. No matter how shorthanded they are, doing that to kids… So I took on the goal of trying to help them out a bit as a protector of protectors, you could say. Nothing too special, right?”

“What’s so freaking grand about it? But wait, bro, your transformed appearance is just like a villain… Are you helping magical girls while looking like a villain?”

“That’s how it turned out.” 

“But won’t you just get blamed for that? If your identity is found out by mistake, it’ll cause an uproar, and it could even harm the magical girls instead. You’ll just get cursed at with no rewards… Seems like a fool’s errand.”

At the same time, they are ones worthy of respect.

“It’s not something to give up on just because of blame…? Isn’t that just human nature? Even if others don’t understand and curse at you, there’s always something you can’t give up, right? If you like anime, you might get called an otaku. If you like soccer, you might get mocked for being childish over just kicking a ball around. Not just my dream, but everything has something for people to gossip about. Yet you don’t give up what you like, do you? I’m the same. Even if it seems foolish, it’s what I want to do. I have to do it.”

They are the courageous ones who don’t stop moving forward, even knowing hardship.

“So it’s not as great and grandiose as you thought. It’s just the ambition and goal of a poor musician wanting to sell 1 million albums.”  

“So it is freaking grand… Oh right, I read that I sold over 100,000 albums?”

“Wow, nice. Ah, I must be eating this chicken with the money I earned from that.”

“I don’t remember earning any though.”

Joo Ah-yoon smiled bitterly.  

She has no dream for herself. She should have, but why did her past self choose to become a magical girl?

“Ah! Is that why? Because my brother said his goal was to cringingly save me before… Ah.”

Muttering a memory she didn’t actually have, Joo Ah-yoon closed her lips. Han Jae-jung gazed at her with a surprised look. Soon, the corner of his mouth relaxed.

“Hey… You… You!”

“Wow what the hell…?”

It was dizzying. Her body was reacting to memories she didn’t have. Is there muscle memory for language systems too? It was an incomprehensible occurrence. She brought out memories she didn’t have, like naked short-selling, into reality.  

I don’t know, but I do know. Faced with this contradictory situation, Joo Ah-yoon’s lips trembled. She felt a chill. A sense of her self being divided accompanied the shock.

“What did I say…?”

Han Jae-jung gazed at her for a moment, then answered with a snicker.

“…I was the same. My body reacted first. Isn’t it strange? It’s not a weird thing. You’re not weird. It’s okay. Just calm down first, want to drink some water?” 

He poured water into a cup and handed it to her. Joo Ah-yoon gulped the water down.

‘He really hasn’t changed.’

Joo Ah-yoon, who had always been treated like a strange child, was always cared for by them. You’re one of us, they’d say, not strange, not wrong, just an ordinary girl.

Phew.

Setting the cup down on the table, Joo Ah-yoon stared at him again. Even though she had never been a magical girl, why didn’t he age? His unnecessarily pretty eyes irked her for no reason.

“…Brother.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

Too many tiring things had happened today. 

“I’m tired today, so I’ll sleep first.”

“Oh? Okay. It’s gotten this late already.”

As she got up from her seat, the playful Han Jae-jung added one more line.

“Sleep tight so you can grow taller.”

Flinch. Having her complex provoked, Joo Ah-yoon  stopped in her tracks. It was his turn to await the due retaliation. Han Jae-jung, who could find anything cute, took a sip of his beer.

“…Yeah, I guess so.”

But the retaliation didn’t come.

“Oh right. Brother, go get that lump checked out at the hospital tomorrow, just in case.”  

Instead, she expressed concern.

Worried about retaliation, a sense of guilt arose in Han Jae-jung’s heart.

‘I judged that kind girl who’s thinking about me… I’m sorry Awoon. I was an asshole.’

Regretting his narrow-mindedness and distrust, he silently apologized to Joo Ah-yoon.

Creak.

Joo Ah-yoon’s room door opened and she moved her body inside. From the dining table, it was a spot where he could naturally see. The door almost closed, leaving just enough of a gap for the eyes to be visible, and the movement stopped.

From behind the door, Joo Ah-yoon was staring at him intently. Her flickering pink eyes shone vividly like those of a nocturnal beast.

“You’re right, Brother. I should sleep early to grow taller. Just 22cm shorter than you.”

“…? What are you talking about?”

“Do you know what that means, Brother?”

Creak. The bedroom door started closing little by little again.

“The best height difference for chemistry between a man and woman is 22cm. Not just chemistry… You know, right?”  

“Ugh!”

The beer he was drinking went down the wrong pipe. After a few agonizing coughs, he heard Joo Ah-yoon’s ridicule and teasing.

“That’s right. By the way brother, I’m not locking my room door today.”

“If the kid finds anything weird, you know how much porn you’ve watched?”

“Ah, how would I count that.”

“I knew you’d say that. Just go to bed already!”

“Okayyy~”

Joo Ah-yoon closed the door all the way after cutely responding. 

“She’s really something…”

He drank his beer with mixed feelings.

***

Ippotranslation

***

The next morning. 

Following Joo Ah-yoon’s advice, Han Jae-jung came to the hospital.  

But it wasn’t to receive treatment.

It seemed obvious that the future would nag him to just get treated, asking how much the hospital bills would be, but the lump that had appeared on his head overnight had already been completely cured. The regenerative ability unique to those with starlight significantly reduced the need to go to the hospital.

So why did he come to the hospital?

It was none other than for a meeting. He used the hospital not as a place for treatment, but as a place for a meeting.

A familiar interior welcomed him. Recently and in the past, the hospital was such a familiar place. It would be better if the hospital was faraway, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for him. The hospital was a place of daily life.

Sitting on the hard chainz and waiting, time passed before he knew it.  

Something that cannot be given up even if blamed.

What he had told Joo Ah-yoon last night lacked one condition.

That blame must exist solely for the individual.  

If another being suffers because of me, then it can no longer be called a goal.

It is nothing more than a one-sided nuisance or tantrum.

How selfish and terrible it would be to ignore the suffering of others and only do what’s good for oneself.

Han Jae-jung surveyed with his eyes the person sitting next to him. A tall, long-haired beauty who suspiciously had her hat pulled down low.

“Long time no see.”

“…Yeah.”

Just uttering the name made his whole body feel like it was melting with happiness, and crumbling with pain.

“Seol-hwa.”

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