"Everyone has a past Jie. Everyone comes with baggage too heavy to walk the steps of life. But it doesn't mean you have to carry it with yourself everywhere. One or the other day, you have to leave it somewhere. What will you do when the time has come to lay that baggage down and leave behind all the struggling and striving? You have to yourself set free as you step forward into a completely new life."
"I know, Zhenyi. But it is not as easy it seems. I've been trying to leave it behind for years but it's persistent on not parting with me," said Long Jie with a grimace.
"I don't know what had hurt you so much that you can't even talk about it, but you have to leave it because now I can't tolerate it," said Zhenyi with a grim expression. " I told you that we will be abiding by the contract because I want you to feel the same pain I feel whenever you chose silence than talking to me. I'm not asking you to tell me but at least keep it away from our relationship. I told you that there is no need to fulfill the terms of exclusivity because I know how badly you want me. I want you to feel how I spent the days when you vanished into the thin air."
"I'm sorry. I deserve it. I know. But Zhenyi, you mean so much to me and I know I've to tell you everything one day but I'm ashamed. I'm too ashamed to tell you. I also know you will never judge me, but I'm that child who finally found his words and if he used the same words to narrate how he lost his words, he will lose them again and this time forever and there won't be anyone to return those words to him again," said Long Jie.
Zhenyi glanced at him. The pain was evident in his eyes. And a child who lost his words? She knew he was suffering some kind of trauma but she didn't know what triggered it in the first place.
Long Jie went on, " It took me years to reach here Zhenyi, the pathetic self-respect I'm trying to protect, it took me decades to learn that I deserve it. I'm not what they call me. I'm not a retard, a weakling, or even a mute."
Imagine growing up and hearing your own family members calling you such names. Retard. Weakling. Mute. And heck what not! A child needs love not taunts for not being able to be what their parents desire.
A mentally, emotionally, and physically abused child had no idea how to survive in this world. How to navigate through the brutal society and be a part of it. He sometimes felt that whatever happened to him was entirely his fault. If he had been better, he wouldn't end up where he was now. He didn't know who to trust and how to show care when they never received such in the first place.
They are just always retard to themselves too.
Just imagine where Long Jie is coming from.
"I don't deserve what they did to me. I deserve a home too that was taken away from me. I never had a home. I just took shelter at different places at different times. But I found it with you. My home." He paused and then continued," So, I did what I think was right to protect my home with you. I took you away from Long mansion because I was scared, yes this big ass dangerous man is scared too, you're my weakness Zhenyi. Now that I found you, I can't let them take you away from me and I know they will try."
The shock and dread coursing through her. She gripped the table tightly, trying to stop herself from throwing up.
Her chest ached. Her stomach churned. Her vision almost blurred.
She didn't need him to continue. She just knew what would've happened to him. Though she didn't know what exactly.
"Who, Jie? Who your mother?"She mustered up the courage and asked who he was scared of. Who could hurt her that so badly affect her husband?
"No." He denied. Song Lily was all talks but no actions. "She didn't hold the power Zhenyi. But someone else does."
"You have to speak, Jie." Zhenyi insisted.
"One day."He sadly smiled at her.
"It will be too late, Jie."
"Trust me once."
"I can't. I'm scared too. I do have fears too, Jie. My biggest fear is getting proved that I'm wrong," Zhenyi told him.
Indeed, her biggest fear was to prove wrong again and yet not trying to right it.
"Then promise me you won't leave me," said Long Jie as he held her hand in his hands. " You just have to ask, Zhenyi, if you want answers. I will try to answer as much as I can. Give me some time."
"I can't trust you," She said directly.
"I know, Love. I know. Trust has to be earned first and I will earn it, I promise. Promise me, you won't leave me. And no more silent treatment. It's worse than your poisonous words ."
"I promise, no more silent treatment."Zhenyi agreed about this condition.
"I'm not perfect, Zhenyi. I've issues, bigger ones and nothing can alleviate those issues within a given time," said Long Jie solemnly. " Our marriage is not perfect or ideal but neither are we. We will fuck up again and again and we will fight, argue and smash our shit against each other but we just have to remember that we will overcome every issue that comes in our way. We never thought that the marriage we never wanted, we will be burning ourselves to protect it any cost."
"We are toxic together." Zhenyi countered.
"Nah, Love. It's the brutal reality. We are not in those love novels, where two perfect people fell in love and marry and live their Happily ever after." Long Jie tries to make her see his point of view.
"We are different. We are unique. We are us. And we are perfectly imperfect and also imperfectly perfect for each other."
"No one will like our this odd and fucked up relationship," Zhenyi argued.
"I don't care as long as we are together. We are fine, "Long Jie said.
"We are still not good, Jie," Zhenyi told him in the end.
"I know but we will be."
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