The Principle of a Philosopher by Eternal Fool “Asley”

“Well well, there you are, my man Poer!”

Giorno greeted me cheerfully, flicking his smooth blond hair in the process.

He sure is the stereotypical hero, being able to stay that carefree in this situation.

We’re in the middle of a wasteland region, the Holy City of Regalia visible in the distance behind us. Lylia and Seki’teigyu are in front of the group, standing tall in the face of a terrifyingly large army of monsters.

“I’m not here because I want to, you know…”

“ME NEITHER! I WANNA GO HOME!”

“Hahahaha, hilarious! Never a dull moment with you two around!”

For a moment, I got off Pochi’s back. Without getting my feet on the ground, I feel that I wouldn’t be able to get a good look at the approaching army.

There are monsters as far as the eye could see… It’s like I’m at a monster trade fair. The biggest ever in the world.

There are probably about 20,000 of them. I’m sure anyone would understand how much Pochi and I want to cover our faces right about now… but we aren’t about to do that just yet.

At least Pochi is powerful enough to handle them just fine, even if I may or may not be.

“Rise, Giving Magic & High Cure!”

Seeing how exhausted Seki’teigyu is, I healed him right up.

The Ox looked at me, suspicious, but it turned away and looked ahead as soon as it felt that it was being healed.

“Thanks, Poer – you’re a nice guy. Just like Lylia said.”

“Lylia said… what? About me?”

“Are you trying to die before the enemy gets you, Giorno?”

Lylia said that while drawing her sword from the sheath on her back, and it really sounded like she meant it.

Please don’t do that. It’s going to end this world for real. 

Still, Lylia told him that I was a nice guy? Man, I don’t know where she got that idea from.

“So… there are about twenty thousand of them, yes?”

“It’s not a problem how many monsters there are.”

Nope, Elf lady, it’s a big problem for me and the doggo here.

“The actual problem is the Devilkin behind all those monsters.”

Oh, yeah, there’s them to worry about too.

“Mind if I take my sick leave, Master?”

“Taking care of your health is important. What kind of sickness do you have?”

“It’s something called the feigned illness, sir. Its symptoms always pop up whenever I’m in an unfavorable situation – veeery mysterious.”

“Huh, strange. I’m not even tired, but I’m starting to feel out of breath, and my pulse is kinda out of rhythm. Maybe I should take that sick leave as well…”

“Who will do the rest of the fighting, then, sir?”

“Those two over there-“

“You’re not going anywhere, my man♪”

“Die if you have to.”

Damn it.

I knew that Giorno would be casual about it, like he’s always been, but I never expected that kind of response from Lylia.

Was she serious? Or was it actually a joke, like her tone suggested?

She probably meant to tell us to die fighting to the end… right?

“”Hahaha… all right.””

“Now, if we can wipe them out, we’ll get to leave before our shift ends!”

Either that or WE get wiped out… it’s highly probable either way. Or maybe not – this ragtag party is quite unpredictable.

We’ve got an Elf fighter and one of the Holy Warriors, Lylia. Her Familiar is the Crimson King Ox, a Heavenly Beast. Then there’s another Holy Warrior, the inscrutable Hero Giorno, known for his beautiful, glossy golden hair. And then a fool and his bird-dog.

It’s PERFECT! Just about anyone can tell what’s wrong with it!

“Do you have a plan, at least?”

“First, we…”

“CRUSH THEM.”

Yup, what a perfect party. It’s already falling apart.

“Now you all really are starting to worry me…”

I grumbled, to which Giorno chuckled and then held up four fingers.

“Actually, I DO have a plan: one member takes four thousand. Simple, no hassle.”

Pretty simple for a legend.

Well, actually, it’s precisely because he’s a legend that he can say things like that so casually.

And not just some legend, but a terrific one.

“That sounds nice, sir! I’ll be on rear support, then!”

“You’re counted as one of the members as well.”

“I’d rather take the easy way out, sir!”

“Things aren’t going to be convenient for you all the time! C’mon, we’re taking eight thousand! Got that?!”

“Since when was our quota doubled, sir?!”

Pochi freaked out real hard in response to my preaching, putting her paws on her cheek like that one famous painting with a screaming man.

“Oh? You two will be fighting together? I think acting separately will make things easier, though?”

“Oh, no, I think it’s easier that we just do it our way, really.”

“Hmm, sounds good… right?”

Giorno glanced at Lylia, prompting her to keep her mouth tightly shut and turn away.

“…Whatever.”

Is it just me, or did Lylia sound not anywhere nearly as hostile as she usually would be?

It’s as if she was saying she’ll be leaving the job to me. I wonder if there had been some sort of change in her mindset.

“Hahaha, hear that? She said she’s leaving it to you!”

Aha, called it.

From my understanding, she’s a fierce warrior with normally suppressed emotions. Quite a difficult character to get a read on.

“Enough chit-chat. It’s time,” 

Lylia said as if she knew exactly what would happen next.

“””””GWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”””””

…And then the monsters all asserted their sheer scale of their threat.

Pochi and I both had tears welling in our eyes… and probably thoughts of tonight’s dinner in our heads.

I would have liked to have more time to mentally prepare, but a part of me just resigned myself to the fact that our battles are always like this.

“I’ll take the middle.”

“And I’ll take the left.”

“MOOOOOO!”

“All right, Ox, you take the ones in between us. That leaves the right side to you two, Poer, Shiro.”

“Rise! All Up: Count 5 & Remote Control!”

I cast an ability enhancement spell on all members present.

Then I hopped onto Pochi’s back again.

“A good spell! I can never get enough of this!”

“KILL… KILL… KILL… KILL!”

“MOOOOOO!!”

“”I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home…!””

All five of us said something to boost ourselves up. Our three friends started positioning themselves to take the advancing monsters.

They took one step, and then another, eventually transitioning into a run… and then disappeared into a blast of air.

Pochi refused to move until the very end, with me patting her on the head while waiting for her to be ready.

“ONCE WE GET HOME…!”

“WE’LL HAVE DINNER!”

“ALWAYS ON OUR MINDS…!”

“FOOD!!”

“VEGETABLES ARE…!”

“ENEMIES!!”

“WE WANNA EAT THE BEST…!!”

“LIKE NO MYTHIC FRUIT EVER WAS!!”

“TO FIND IT IS OUR REAL TEST!!”

“TO EAT THEM IS OUR CAUSE!!”

“POCHI’S MASTER IS…!!”

“A GODDAMNED FOOL!!”

“Yeah, fine! Let’s go!”

I patted Pochi’s ruffled-furred head one last time, after which she got up and howled to the sky,

“AAAWWWOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“Crush them!! Combine our powers, and blow a hole right in the middle of the enemy ranks!!!! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

“I am Pochi, the strongest Familiar in the era of antiquity! BLAST OFF- guh!!”

Ah, she accidentally bit her tongue.

Still, the strongest Familiar in the era of antiquity, huh? That’s what the public saw, true, but Pochi’s shout was more like her telling that to herself.

And that’s fair – without doing that, she wouldn’t be able to bear with this situation.

“Pochi Pad Breath!”

We’re taking the whole right side of the army, and I started it off by launching my most powerful spell at the far end of it.

It’d be too dangerous to use once we’re up close, but it works at this distance.

“Pochi Pad Bomb!”

And now, my second most powerful blast at the Undead monsters on the front row!

This is all to make sure that Pochi can keep going straight ahead.

Countless monsters got blown away, and the ones behind them got over the corpses of their own kind and picked up more speed.

And then the Pochi Pad Breath exploded. So devastating and loud that, in fact, it muffled out all of the screams of the monsters that couldn’t escape the scalding water.

That blast also served as a signal for all five of us to begin fighting for real.

“So it has begun!!”

“KILL… KILL THEM ALL!!”

“MOOOOOO!!”

“You’ve roped me into something terrible again, Master!!”

“The worst has yet to come, stupid doggo!!”

Fifth Month of the Hundred and Twenty-First Year of the Sacred Calendar…

Today marks the day of our first battle against the Devil King’s army in the outskirts of Holy City Regalia.

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