The Butcher of Gadobhra

Rat-kin were racing from their positions around the outside of the barracks and running to the front to join the assault. No one likes climbing makeshift ladders only to get a boot in the face and toppled to the ground. This took pressure off of the troops on the walls and the remaining players raced to meet the horde.

Frothing Dan was the first. The berzerker simply jumped down from the wall onto an unlucky rat. His tactics were simple: go to nearest rat-kin, swing axes until it was dead, and repeat. He was being swarmed by opponents, but this was actually an ideal situation for him. The level 1 and 2 rat-kin had a hard time inflicting much damage, while each shallow cut added to his fury. He axes swung in huge sweeps and he cut off arms, heads, and tails. Vostok joined him, giving Dan some back up and keeping too many rat-kin from attacking the berzerker at once.

Lootmaster and Sminja worked around the edges of the wall, ambushing from the shadows. Rat-kin prefer to stay out of the light and their natural tendencies were leading them straight into the grinning rogues who ambushed time and time again.

Bob12 just kept swinging his club, and hurling puns. No one had yet got him to admit to what class he had taken. He did mediocre damage with his club, but his puns often caused heads to explode. He fought alone most of the time, or his group put cotton in their ears. "Hey guys, did you see what happened to Ubermaus? He got E-Rat-icated."

Themis and Ozzy caught their breath for a half minute, Ozzy grimacing in pain as the Potion of Calamitious Strength wore off, doing several hundred points of damage to him as a parting shot. Rolly was already burning his stamina to heal his other wounds when it happened, and managed to keep the butcher alive. "I'm thinking that Ben was sort of selfish to let himself get eaten that way. I could use some help healing you! "

Ozzy stood up and stretched. "Save some in case you and Squirmie need it. I'm nearly three quarters full and I can down a couple healing potions. Time to go punch rats to death." The butcher caught up to where Themis was fighting and took a spot on her right flank. Sir Timothy was on her left, and Joseph behind her. Neither Timmy or Joseph was looking good. The effects of too much Victory Beer and too many potions were taking their toll.

Incindary Potions flew from the wall. The family of two battle alchemists and one seamstress chucking flaming concoctions at the the rats below them was racking up a horrible death tally. The few rats who ran along the walls to attack them found themselves choked by Adrianna's ribbons. A dozen strangled rat-kin hung from the wall below her, discouraging more flanking attacks.

But more and more rats were gathering and pushing forward. Mad Klaw was in the rear screaming orders. This was the type of battle he was known for: throwing masses of troops at a weakened opponent until they were swarmed. He wasn't good at things like flanking an enemy or charging into their rear, and even forgot those maneuvers existed. Which is one of the reasons he sucked as a commander and was totally surprised as his forces were charged by the paladins.

Senior Brother Towers led the charge. The other mounted paladins forming a wedge with him at their point. To the junior brothers total surprise the Inquisitor invoked the power of his coconuts and for a brief minute a spell enveloped them, forming spectral mounts beneath them. They formed a second line behind their seniors with the Inquisitor bringing up the rear on a spectral donkey. Diego had won his Coconuts of Spectral Travels years ago in a pokergame with several Battle Nuns. They had served him well over the years.

The dozen and a half mounted paladins crushed thrice their number of rat-kin on the initial charge and started carving into the enemy. Rats that had planned to join the fighting in the courtyard instead turned to fight this new enemy. Little did they know that worse was approaching from the other side of town.

The first few rat-kin cheered as the Verminator appeared, thinking he was heading towards the battle. He started killing rat-kin that came near him and began working his way into their formation. The tight packed warriors couldn't run away, they could only turn and try to fight the metal horror.

Mad Klaw screamed in anger. He was trapped between two enemies, both heading right towards him. Verminator got to him first. Mad Klaw parried the Verminators clawhand, but the chainclaw came down on his tail, severing it and leaving a six inch stump. Back and forth the two fought, but Mad Klaw knew he was going to lose. Nothing could stop this, the finest contraption that battle-mad engineers had ever created. The over-rated overseer squealed and begged for mercy. Verminator raised both hands in victory. Seeing a chance, Mad Klaw drove his name-sake metal claw deep into the Verminators belly cavity.

It was a desperate move that worked out bad for everyone nearby. The belly cavity was a large boiler where magical liquids were turned to the steam that drove his mechanical body, puncturing it caused a huge explosion of super-heated caustic brew to explode on everyone in a thirty foot radius. Nearly two hundred rat-kin were destroyed. Verminator was left a powerless metal statue with a screaming rat-kin brain somewhere inside of it. Mad Klaw and his body guard were instantly cooked to a crackly-crunch.

The horde wavered, and as it did, Bennie sent hundreds of his undead servants into the fray to harass the rat-kin, gnawing at their ankles and tails, and send them running into the swords of the paladins.

Bennie the Necrobunny nearly made the classic mistake of forgetting his real goal. He was winning! Actual winning! But even with several hundred undead rabbits, he wasn't going to beat a troop of paladins. So he kept to the plan he had devised and recalled his shambling horde, leaving only a few dozen to harry the rat-kin and cover his retreat. His hordes swerved around the town and returned to the meadow of the fat rabbits, and then swarmed into the Bunny Burrow. Benny had an appointment with the fat Mayor. By nightfall the Bunny Burrow was going to be under new management.

Inside the barracks, the humans had retreated and held one corner. Everyone was tired and bleeding from dozens of cuts. Frothing Dan had frothed his last. He'd run from rat-kin to rat-kin and killed dozens, but when he ran out of stamina, he ran out of rage, and went down quickly. Vostok had died trying to save him. Sminja had run into a member of the Skweel Team and been backstabbed. Lootmaster avenged him, only to go down from a glowing arrow that went in one ear and out the other.

On the battlements Suzy covered her face in embarrassment. "Oh god, I missed! I was trying to save that poor man from the rat-kin but I hit him instead."

As the bunny horde shambled off, other creatures took the field. A majestic stag led fifty goblin warriors along a forest path to a perfect ambush spot where they rained down poisoned arrows on the rat-kin. Their flanks were guarded by hard eyed bandits determined not to grow tails and fur.

The workers who could fight were doing what they could. Cham and Jon made clumsy swings with their axes that still hit surprisingly hard. The adze brigade held their own, chopping up any rat that got near them. But still they were slowly pushed back until they held a line in one corner of the courtyard behind a barricade of barrels and wagons. Ozzy, Themis, and Timmy were holding the line but just barely. Rolly raced back and forth on the ramparts like a madman, slicing anything that tried to get above and behind the workers. Suzette danced along the ramparts or on the roofs, throwing out beams of light that brought down her enemies.

"How much juice do you have left Squirmie?"

"Do a couple of strafing runs on those packed rats to clear them out and cut me and Ozzy a path to the center." The butterfly took off, flying up and away. Rolly yelled down to Ozzy. "Hey, buddy, I talked to the Fat Lady, and she's ready to go on."

Ozzy smiled. "I hear her warming up!" He turned to the alchemists "You have my bag ready?"

Aliester carefully handed Ozzy a gunny sack full of clinking potions. "I highly DON'T like this plan!"

Ozzy put a hand on his shoulder. "So noted. Now get your family under cover. The bug is coming down to clear a path."

Aliester took Adrianna and Zephyr to the back corner were a barrier had been set up. Delbert was covering everything with a heavy layer of ice. Ozzy summoned his prodder. Rolly dropped down by his side.

"Rolly, get back under cover, I've got stupid things to do."

Rolly rolled his multi-faceted eyes and deployed the scythes from his arms. "And I never want to miss doing stupid things with you. I'll clear what Squirmie doesn't kill and you follow as fast as your cute little feet can run." Ozzy really couldn't argue with his reasoning.

Squirmie came back down from high in the sky, diving down at nearly 160 miles an hour, he pulled level and unleashed a bolt of lightning into the horde, then did a loop and a roll and came back to do it again. And then, being a very smart bug, he got the hell away from the barracks.

Dead and burnt rats lay along the butterflie's path. Rolly leaped the barrier threw back his head and roared. The sound was all out of proportion to his size, the scream growing and growing as rats skittered away in fear. Themis's head snapped in his direction, her eyes going wide. Outside in the battle, the explosion from the Verminator's boiler was just settling down when Senior Brothers Towers heard the sound and went white. "Saints preserve us, a great wyrm has been attracted by the battle. Stand firm lads, stand firm!"

Rolly raced into the stunned rat-kin, killing the ones in his way. Ozzy ran behind him. Gaining the area just in front of the tumbled gatehouse, he took hold of his prodder and yelled "NOW JOE! NOW!"

Ozzy was linked to his pit as only a butcher can be, and attuned to the Ancient Billhook of Entwined Fates. The magical weapon helped channel a wizards power like a staff. Ozzy didn't have spells, but he did have a charnel pit filled with a dozen screaming rat-kin and an angry smoke golem. Joe pushed that fire to Ozzy, and it exploded out of his prodder. The huge plume of flames that had been above the charnel pit errupted on top of Ozzy. And as it did, he slammed the bag Aliester had given him down onto the stones in the middle of the fire.

The fragile glass holding incindary potions, cluster bombs, liquid fire grenades, and bottles of greek fire shattered, mixed together and exploded outward. And while an explosion of fire was bad, it was the 37 pounds of highly-potent mutant horse-radish from the body of ROOT! that was the most toxic ingredient of the mix.

You have taken 500 points of fire damage. Your fire resistance and elemental mitigation reduce this to 270 damage.

You have taken 500 points of fire damage. Your fire resistance and elemental mitigation reduce this to 270 damage.

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You have taken 500 points of fire damage. Your fire resistance and elemental mitigation reduce this to 270 damage.

You have take 100 points of caustic damage. This is reduced to 80 by acid resistance and 30 more from elemental mitigation. You take 50 damage.

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You have take 100 points of caustic damage. This is reduced to 80 by acid resistance and 30 more from elemental mitigation. You take 50 damage.

Timmy and Joseph had retreated to the ice covered redoubt as Ozzy started his charge. Themis was last, covering the opening with her shield as Delbert spread more and more ice to seal them inside. They were just in time.

A miniature sun ignited in the courtyard, scattering the rat-kin army and killing many. And then it was followed by a burning mist. Rats choked as the toxic vegetable gas entered their lungs and melted their eyes. Wood dissolved, and metal rusted inside the zone of death. Within a minute there wasn't a rat-kin left alive in the courtyard or on the walls. The few that had been about to charge decided to face the paladins instead.

Rolly had had plans to roll up like a pill bug or leap out of the barracks. In the end he just decided to keep killing rats and keep them out of Ozzy's way. The fire nearly did him in, and then the horse radish hit him. He had just decided that he liked the taste when he dissolved and died.

Squirmie went insane. Rolly had explained that he'd be back, but bereft of his symbiotic partners calming influence, the bug just wanted to kill things. He chased down rat-kin until their were none left. Suzette found him later by the stream on a rock.

Suzette sat down, and started scratching his fuzzy head, between his antenae. "I'm worried too. But he'll be back. It's a lot easier for him than it is for us."

The butcher lived through it somehow. He had held his breath for minutes after the explosion, and avoided inhaling the horrible gases. His fire resistance took off the worst of the damage from the potions, and he was immune to the flames of his own pit. It was the acid that nearly killed him. Ozzy had 2600 health. The Giants Ring negated 20% of the acidic damage and Monstrous gave him 30 points of mitigation against the acid damage each round. Even negating a good bit of the acidic damage, ROOT! nearly reached out from the grave and killed him. He was saved be rolling in the remaining water in the horse trough to remove the acid from his skin. His kilt and workboots survived as well. His friend Makken didn't own any clothing that wasn't proof against high temperatures or caustic fumes.

When Themis pushed aside what was left of the the mostly melted emergency igloo, they found Ozzy just sitting in the middle of courtyard, exhausted and nearly dead.

Most of the workers had survived. Themis was walking with a limp, but smiling as she surveyed the damage. One hell of a fight. "Hey, Cham! You have anything left to drink?" The burly logger saluted and ran to haul a barrel of beer out of the cellar.

Sir Timothy could not remember when he had felt worse, but they had won! And he was still alive, while Brandon wasn't. He, Joeseph, and Bob12 could hold the town for Momco. and win that war too! Suzette was walking towards him, smiling up at him. He felt terribly guilty suddenly.

"I'm...look...I'm sorry for what happened at the tavern. I didn't know...I won't let my family hurt you."

Suzette stood on her tip toes and gave him a small kiss on his cheek. "It's ok, we're even now. And I won't let Momco. hurt me ever again. Did you get that nap and hot meal yet?"

Timmy looked around at the burning and dissolved courtyard. "No, why?"

Suzette stepped back and put her hands on her hips. "Because the Final Battle Potion is about to kick in. You really should have had something to eat."

You have survived the battle, but the Final Battle Potion demands it's payment.

You have taken 500 points of damage. You have died. You are expelled from the war.

Extra Problems: You were the Dungeon Keeper responsible for an overflow and evolution of a dungeon. You are judged 'moderately unworthy' by the Order of Paladins and must quest to redeem yourself. Please report to Junior Brother Sundive who will be happy to help you learn your new place in the order.

Momco. is fined 1000 building points for allowing a dungeon to overflow, and an additional 1000 points for allowing a dungeon to increase its level. Try to be more careful in the future.

As Sir Timothy fell over dead, his squire, Joseph felt everthing go black and slumped to the ground. A system message was received by everyone in the area.

As the only surviving member of the Momco. Army, Bob12 is now the commanding officer.

Bob12 grinned. "I guess they heard about the horse-radish and decided they needed a 'Seasoned Officer' in charge. I say that 'Generally speaking'."

Suzette put a solar arrow between his eyes and killed him. She smiled at Ozzy and said, "Keel Moose and Squirrel".

Ozzy smiled back tiredly. "Huzzah!"

Themis grimaced but nodded. "It had to be done. One more pun and I'd have done it myself."

From outside, a bugle signaled a final charge, and then a reform. The remaining rat-kin were scattering into the forest, pursued by bandits and goblins. The battle was over.

And so was the war.

Themis looked around. "Momco. has no one left alive. I'm declaring this insane war over before something worse happens."

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