The Butcher of Gadobhra

"Here you go, Squealer. This is the last bit of crap we got off the bodies." The two minions dumped out their bags on the floor of the dungeon room, making a pile of spare socks, food, canteens, muffins, beer bottles, a few coins, four backpacks, and a beautiful sandalwood wizard’s staff topped by a glowing blue gem.

"You little shits know not to call me that. I'm the Hoard Keeper! You have to use my title!"

Drool and Pipsqueak looked at each other and giggled before Drool pulled a silver coin out of his pocket and tossed it to the floor where it bounced off the stone with a small ringing sound. "We found that too, Squealer!"

With a sound amazingly like a week-old piglet with its tail stuck in the gate, Squealer dove on the floor for the coin, scooping it up and holding it tight. Pipsqueak and Drool were down the hall with a good head start, laughing hysterically. "We don't care what fancy name you have now, you'll always be a squealer!"

Knowing that he'd never catch them, the corpulent Hoard Keeper waddled over to his chests and overflowing coffers of coins. After a moment of consideration, he found a spot for his latest shiny. "Don't you worry, we'll get you all polished up nicely now that we have gotten you away from those nasty, dirty minions." While he was busy shining up the new coin, two smaller minions came in to haul away the pile of loot. One of them looked at the staff. "Is magic.... go with magic stuff?"

Interrupted while caring for his new friend, Hoard Keeper just waved at them dismissively without looking. "Yes, yes, put it with the other magic items. Maybe we’ll hand it back out as part of a treasure, if any of the adventurers ever get far enough in to start claiming chests."

Things were going well for him. It hadn’t been long after the dungeon had thawed out that the first visitors had arrived. But these had been new adventurers, inexperienced in the strategies for dealing with dungeons. Squealer had made sure to train the minions is stealing anything that was left after they died and not let the daemons and other monsters chew things up. He’d had a few minion deaths, but that was acceptable. They resurrected automatically at dawn and were ready to get back to work.

Deaths were running to 82%, and most of the new victims coming into the dungeon left more than they took. While most of the gear left the dungeon when someone died, any item they had dropped or set down could be picked up by his minions.

The Pit was an unforgiving dungeon. It was technically a Tier 3 dungeon on the first floor, but it was overstocked on Gristle Chewers, Meat Daemons, Bone Strippers, and all manner of carnivorous beasts. This new generation of adventurers were finding that out the hard way. They’d get better eventually and come back with full groups of veterans ready to take on the dungeon and reap the benefits, but for now, Squealer was happy to have the shinies flowing into his coffers.

A change in the sounds of the dungeon and a breath of fresh air alerted him that the front door had just opened. New victims! He hoped they had something good to leave for him. The Butcher only cared about the carnage and cared little for the gold and loot. Squealer happily kept track of all of it for him and did his best to never let even a copper penny leave his grasp.

He was thinking about getting a small snack and playing with some of the gold coins in one of his chests when he heard it...a small ringing sound, similar to the sound that the silver piece had made hitting the ground! Someone had dropped a penny! Before he could even begin to summon a minion, it came again twice. Someone had dropped both a penny and a silver piece! He hefted his considerable bulk out of his throne and started waddling down the hallways, casting Summon Minion four times. He wanted to be there to scoop up the shinies after the Meat Daemons ate their fill.

Squealer didn't move fast. He was six-foot tall and weighed over eight-hundred pounds. He'd been lean and mean when he moved from minion to monster, but he'd never managed to lose the habit of eating anything he could get his hands on. When the last Horde Master had been caught sending gold and magic items outside the dungeon, the poor fool hand ended up on the Butcher's dinner table. Squealer had been promoted based on his obsession with coins. He was more obsessive about the dungeon’s wealth than many dragons. But as an ex-minion, he didn’t get much respect from anyone.

He also wasn't a butcher. He wore a little silver cleaver on his belt as a symbol of his office, but he'd never done the actual job and had no thought to challenge Mignik or Oink or any of the other butchers in the Pit. His job was keeping track of the coins, and he did that very well.

As he came to the grand hallway, he was disappointed to see that no monsters had come out to play with the new arrivals. The adventurers were playing it safe, staying in the small room just after the front door. One of them was dropping coins on the ground, over and over. The musical sound drew Squealer forward like a moth to a flame.

Rufus had no idea what the hell the Baron was doing. He and his Baroness had brought McTeeth and him into the entryway of the pit, and then he'd directed McTeeth to start playing with the coins. A few moments later the first monster showed up. It was a huge fat creature dressed in Bermuda shorts and a bowling shirt that said "Al's All You Can Eat!". Small pig-like ears poked up from a bald head. Its eyes were on the coins McTeeth was playing with, but it stopped twenty feet away and started whining. "What are you doing with those shinies?! You'll scuff them up! What sort of monsters are you?!"

The Baron stepped forward. "And that bothers you? Good. McTeeth? See if can use a gold piece to write your name on the stone. " The little thief complied with a grin while Squealer moaned in pain.

Billy ignored Squealer’s protests and continued talking. "Do you know what bothers me? Deadbeats that don't pay their dues on time! You owe me two gold pieces per butcher in this dungeon for each year they haven't paid dues. The Guild Master was unsure on the exact number of years, but he's willing to setting for 25,000 Gold Pieces. Payable today. I thought it would be nice if I came over and introduced myself."

“I am William, Baron of Gadobhra. This is my Baroness, Layla. You are the Hoard Keeper. It’s your job to pay the bills on time. You owe me some money.”

Squealer laughed nervously. "Pay dues? Go screw yourself. The Butcher doesn’t care who is Baron of the city, he rules the Pit, and I rule his treasure room. None of my shinies leave this dungeon. Tell Gristle to piss off!"

Billy shook his head sadly. "Gristle predicted you'd say something like that. And since he thought he didn't have any leverage on you, he was pretty sure that he wasn't getting the dues owed to his guild. Because of that, the Butcher’s Guild is a shambles and the butchers aren’t willing to keep working in such conditions. There have been complaints. Your actions have forced me to take a hand. It saddens me to see that you aren't willing to pay your debts. Really chokes me up and makes a tear run down my eye. Layla is my witness to how big that tear was."

Layla rolled her eyes. "Huge. He was sobbing in my arms."

Squealer laughed again. "Good. I’m so happy that I could make you sad. Now, either leave, or better yet, come in and play with the pretty little monsters waiting for you."

Billy reached into his pocket and brought something out. "Oh, I'll leave. And then I'll walk around to the little chute where we toss the carcasses.... oh, my bad...where we USED to toss the carcasses, and I'll throw in this turnip."

"Turnip? We don't want a stinking turnip."

Billy smiled and showed the note tied to the turnip. "You sure don't. I bet Oink will be really upset to see it. I've been told that he's not great with letters, so he'll take the note to someone else, and eventually, the Big Guy downstairs will get the message. I'll keep tossing turnips each day until he does. And that's the only thing that we'll toss."

"So eventually the Butcher of Gadobhra will get a smashed turnip with a note that says. "No Meat for you! Blame Squealer for not paying the dues on time."

The Hoard Master turned pale. "You wouldn't dare! Baron or not, he'll kill you dead and eat you. He hates vegetables worse than anything. And no meat for the dungeon will send him into a rage!!"

Layla stepped forward. "Who do you think he'll kill first? The Bloody Baron and Baroness, Butchers by their own right? Or some fat asshole who doesn't get his hands bloody? While he's eating you, someone with brains will run up the money and we'll be pouring meat and blood down into the dungeon a minute later. Back to normal...except for you." She smacked the flat of her own well-used cleaver into her hand in emphasis.

Squealer looked down at his own small honorary cleaver. It wasn't even half the size of the one being brandished by the woman in black and red. The sound of the shinies hitting the floor was driving him mad, and the fear of being eaten was all too real. He felt it before and never wanted to feel it again. He'd escaped it when he had graduated from minion to monster, but now it was back. But what they were asking for was impossible!

"But my gold? My shinies! I can't give those up." Squealer dropped to his knees and began blubbering, fear and avarice paralyzing his brain. Billy liked it when negotiations got to this point so quickly.

"Ah, turn off the waterworks. I'm a reasonable guy. I'm sure we can come to some sort of Win/Win deal. That’s part of my skills as Baron, finding good solutions. I'm told you have several rooms full of magical items stored away for filling up treasure chests. I need a few presents to give to some friends. I don't mind leaving you the gold I have here and taking a few of those."

Squealer stopped crying. He saw a way to keep his hoard intact. "Enchanted items? Yes, we have a few of those, maybe a dozen..."

Layla stepped forward and hit him with the flat of her cleaver in the side of the head. "Don't you lie to me; you piece of lard. You have thousands just in the main seven storerooms and that's not even counting the good stuff. We're done here Billy. Time to toss a turnip and do things the hard way." She turned on her heel and started for the exit.

McTeeth scooped up the coins, scaping one along the floor as he did so, and the four of them started towards the door.

"NO! COME BACK!! I'll make a deal!"

The Baron turned and came back. He stood on one side of Squealer, and Layla on the other. Layla put the sharp edge of her cleaver under his chin and forced his head up to look at her. "You owe us 30,000 Gold. I want 300 magical items, which I know will mostly be junk in the first tier, but I can get 50 to 100 gold each for them. Maybe. I also want a dozen Tier 2 items, none of which will be junk. Trust me. They better be the best you have, and I know what’s down there. I'll know. Lastly, I bet you have a crown or two down there. You're gifting a Tier 3 crown to both the Baron and I, as a thank you for being so reasonable."

McTeeth opened the chest, took a handful of coins, and let them run through his fingers. Squealer stared at them.

Billy patted him on the head. "And if you're quick about it, you'll have a new chest and some new shinies to take home as our little gift to you."

Squealer got up on unsteady legs. "And the meat will flow!? If the meat doesn't flow, nothing will matter."

Billy nodded. "You have my word. I'll be down there in the stock yards with the Baroness and my crew tossing down carcasses within minutes, and the turnips will never be spoken of. At least until next year. You'll owe me 54 more gold then, 2 per butcher. But we can work something out, I'm sure."

Layla handed him a sheet of paper, detailing the deal. "Just in case you forget when you start the counting. Have the minions bring up the stuff in crates. Our people will take it from there."

William, Baron of Gadobhra, in his infinite mercy and understanding, agrees to the following agreement with Squealer, Hoard Master of the Pit of Butcher:

All dues owed the Butchers guild will be considered paid in full.

In exchange, the Baron will accept 300 enchanted Tier 1 items, and 12 enchanted Tier 2 items of 'much better than crap' quality. (No curses.)

Ceremonial gifts will be exchanged: Two Tier 3 enchanted crowns for the Baron and Baroness and a chest with shinies for the hard-working Hoard Master.

Squealer took the paper and waddled off as fast as he could, summoning minions. The Baronial party broke out a bottle of wine, but stayed alert and near the exit. Within a half-hour, minions toting large chests full of items came running up. The Baron thanked each one of them, and the Baroness gifted them a large cookie.

Layla looked over the chests carefully, rejecting several broom handles, rusted swords, and bits of armor that showed teeth marks. “I want replacements for this crap. You have a minute.”

The Tier 2 items were acceptable, as were the two crowns.

Rufus picked up the chests and moved them outside.

Squealer waited impatiently, eyeing the small chest McTeeth was holding. The thief opened it and showed that it was full to the brim with coins, stirring them around. He took a step forward to hand it off, but Billy stepped in his way, and held out his hand, taking hold of Squealers pudgy fingers and shaking them.

"Good doing business with you, Hoard Master. If you ever want to sell off more enchanted items, send a minion down to the ACME building and we'll set up a shipment and a payment."

Billy retreated and McTeeth handed the chest to Squealer, who eyed the four minions near him with distrust. He hurried back downstairs to add his new shinies to his collection.

Outside, workers were waiting to begin hauling of the crates of enchanted items down to the ACME building.

Billy turned to Rufus and McTeeth. "Pick out something nice for yourselves out of the Tier 2 items. We’ll call it part of your pay for the day." Both hurriedly looked at the items. Rufus found a heavy dwarven warhammer that could set an enemy on fire and doubled as a smithing hammer. McTeeth selected a pair of grey gloves that increased his dexterity by +2 and enhanced his Sleight of Hand skill. Turning to Billy, he put on the gloves. "These would have made that little exchange so much easier." He pulled out a large bag of coins from his sleeve and reluctantly handed them it to the Baron.

"There's always a next time, boys." He motioned for the workers to haul off the chests, and then poured the valuables from the chest on the stone of the entranceway. "McTeeth, divide that into four piles. Then I and the Baroness will pick a pile, followed by Rufus and you get the last part."

Rufus was happy. This replaced what he had lost earlier. McTeeth was less happy. "I will point out that by my reckoning I fairly earned my original amount."

Billy lit a cigar and blew out a smoke ring. "Welcome to ACME. Things can change fast around here. Learn to look on the bright side. You have a chunk of change in your pocket, magic gloves on your hands, and the good will of your Baron. At least for now. There's a lot of money to be made, and I plan on taking it from a lot people. You’re smart, I’m sure you can figure out ways to have some of that money end up in your pocket."

McTeeth liked the idea of lots of money. He looked at Rufus, who nodded. "I smell an offer in there somewhere."

Billy nodded. “If nothing else, today’s little adventure showed what can be done with very good information. I have a person working for me with some inside knowledge of the dungeon, which he was willing to trade off for certain considerations.

More information means more money. It really showed my need for a spymaster, and an artificer is always handy to have on the payroll. I need people who aren't connected to ACME. If you boys are looking for some interesting work, I'm hiring."

Rufus and McTeeth spoke for a few moments together, and then shook hands with the Baron and Baroness.

Visit and read more novel to help us update chapter quickly. Thank you so much!