The Butcher of Gadobhra

Makken was scratching lines in the muddy ground, adding small stones and sticks to form a square.

"So, what do you think?"

"Never mind, this is what I think: Put the house on that little rocky outcropping, dig down a few levels for some nice living space, a little human style house up top to legally claim the surrounding land. Then nothing but pepper fields and maybe a little corn and 'taters for distilling. Hmm...let’s add a store house and a separate distillery, just to save on rebuilding the house if things go bad. Put the well here, and then surround it all on the outside with a low fence just to warn off vagrants, thieves, and adventurers. They die in the peppers and are a pain to drag out and bury. Oh, and an eight-foot rock wall around the center area to keep out any veggies that sprout legs. I had enough of vengeful vegetables for a lifetime, and I'm talking a dwarven lifetime, not a crappy little chunk of years that humans live."

"Now what do you think?"

Ozzy paused, looked at the 'plan' scratched in the dirt by Makken, waiting to make sure the dwarf had stopped talking, then added a small pebble in the corner of the interior wall.

"Needs a grill."

The dwarf stroked his beard in thought. "Aye, that's a good idea. Roasting peppers can be explosive, a grill will save on roof repairs."

"Now where the heck is that little piece of fluff you spend nights with? I can't believe you folk let one of those be in charge! But that's humans for you, always doing things the wrong way and never living long enough to learn the children correctly."

"And now, here I am, one of Durin's chosen folk, having to have dealing with her for my farm while you sit there grinning like you found something amusing? I swear something came loose in your head son. I should have let you drown when you got stuck under my water wheel. If I'd have known you were going to run home to something like that, I'd have held you under myself. Lord knows I gave her a chance, but she showed what was in her mind early on, and it doesn't take long for a good dwarf to read the lay of the land."

"Oh dear, do we have some he-man-woman-hater who needs my help setting up a farm? I hate to tell you, but that's going to inflate the cost quite a bit, Spanky."

Suzette was suddenly behind Makken who dropped his pipe on the ground, sparks flying and nearly setting his pants on fire. After making sure he wasn't aflame the dwarf whirled on Suzette who stood with arms crossed, waiting for his reply. Ozzy backed off twenty feet and found a rock to sit on. This was close enough to watch the show, but hopefully be out of the line of fire.

"Now see here, you sneaky strumpet, that's just proving my point about why one just can't trust your type. Why can't you clomp around in a decent pair of boots like respectable dwarven girls do? Surprising me like that could have had consequences! I've got reflexes honed from years of taming the nastiest veggies this side of Northguard. I could have hurt you badly, and it would have been your own fault."

Suzette's eyes narrowed. "I can see we need to get this settled. Just what is it you don't like about women? Are all dwarves like that? It's amazing you have any kids at all?"

Makken looked confused for a second. "Women? Kids? What in the name of the Maker's Beard does that have to do with it.? And isn’t it just like your kind to try to twist an argument to suit you. What a dwarf likes or dislikes after the sun goes down is up to him and whatever beard he takes a fancy to."

"My kind? I don't even know for sure what 'my kind is' yet, you short little pepper-pooper. Why don't you make yourself clear? You don't like Elves? Fae? Half-Elves? Give me a clue here so I can get on with giving your beard a little trimming."

The dwarf took a step backwards. "Trim my beard? What the hell, in front of young Ozzy?! You've got no shame, do you, you hussy! But to answer that question, you can take your mug-slinging little ass and keep it far away from me. I'm saving myself for a marriage with a dwarven lass whose daddy owns a large chunk of land or a gold mine."

"And as for your baseless accusations, I've got nothing against anything with pointy ears. Some of my best friends have pointy ears."

Now it was Suzette who was confused as she tried to work out the details. "Mug-slinging? You don't trust me because I'm a bar maid?" She started to giggle, and then laugh out loud.

Makken spread his feet and crossed his arms, trying to look as hard and stubborn as he could in the face of the enemy. "Aye, I know your type. Pouring beers all day, then asking money for them!"

"I gave you a chance because of your lad over there. But every time I sat in that tavern, there you were trying to tempt me with beer, and then charging me for it! Your kind have been the ruin of many a young dwarf who goes out to make his fortune in a dungeon and then spends it all at a tavern because you or one of your evil sisters tempt him to pay for his drinks. And don't get me started on 'TIPS'.." He visibly shuddered.

Suzette was doubled over laughing at this point. "Oh, my. I do believe you're serious. We'll, you've set me straight and showed me the error of my ways, Sir Makken." She thought for a second. "What if I don't charge you in gold or silver? You can pay me in copper pennies or peppers. Everyone knows copper isn't real money."

Makken considered. "Ugh. You're right that copper isn't real money, but then I'd have to bring a wheelbarrow of it when I came to discuss politics in the evening. How about you keep a tab and I pay up in either whiskey or peppers each month, your choice?"

Suzette accepted his offer and they shook on it.

Ozzy was curious about one thing. "Did I hear you right that you've got a girl you want to marry?"

Makken looked at him with disdain. "Clean out your ears boy, when did I say I'd picked out a girl to marry?"

"Just now you did?"

Makken thought back over the conversation. "Oh, I see. Just like a human to not understand courtship. I didn't say I had a girl. Just that I was saving myself for one. And whatever one it is that I'm saving myself for better come with a nice dowery. Preferably a pepper farm or a gold mine."

Ozzy and Suzette looked at each other and started laughing.

"Dammit, what the hell is so funny? I swear it's hard to understand people in this town. Must be something in the water making you all crazy."

Ten minutes later, after they could keep a straight face, Ozzy played guard as Suzette and Makken walked the edge of the forty acres he wanted to claim.

Suzette looked at the area and remarked, "You do know that this is far enough out that it's not technically part of the town. I'll have to claim the land." For all of his bluster, Suzette liked Makken and wasn't about to take advantage of him. Besides, that would just prove his point about the evils of barmaids.

"Oh, I know that lass. But if my little plot of land is inside the town, there’s some protection from critters, and bandits and the like. And I pay my taxes to you, and not to some Imperial Fancy-Pants who comes by trying to take my hard-earned cash. They like gold, you'll take things in trade."

Suezette thought about that and agreed. Anything Makken made or grew she could then sell or trade, and keep the tax collectors out of it. "Sounds fine. I think we are done. We've walked the land, and you've told me what you want to build. So now we get to the fun part, what are you paying me for the town's protection and your taxes each year?"

Makken stuck thumbs in his belt and leaned back. "Well, a human farmer would claim that a silver an acre was about all he could pay, and he might be right. Turnips and squash aren't cash crops. Being a good dwarven farmer, I grow things with value. Like fine dwarven whiskey and pickled peppers. I think I could pay as much as 10 silver an acre. I'll be generous and pay you that much. I'll even do the math for you. Four gold a year."

Suzette looked out over the farm. It was decent land, and would have good water when he put in a well. It was close to the town, and easy to get to the keep. And she had a sneaking suspicion that the rocky outcropping might have something underneath of it.

"I'm not even going to argue with you over the amount. Make a real offer."

Makken sputtered in outrage. "Insults! And after I even helped you with the math?! How many people do you have looking for land in this backwater?"

"Backwater? You mean the little town between the huge Legion outpost and the huge city with all the dungeons? I think as Mayor I need to be responsible and not sell out to the first tight fisted dwarf that comes along."

Makken didn't seem upset at being called 'tight fisted'. Ozzy figured that it was probably deemed a compliment to dwarves.

"Well, you do have a point there. I'll graciously increase my offer to 20 silvers, that works out to..."

Suzette finished for him. "8 gold a year. I'm a barmaid, we do math remember? Adding up our tips. But tell you what, I'll accept the offer, but only if the town retains the mineral rights."

Makken turned to Ozzy. "Help me out here, lad. What does your strumpet mean by 'mineral rights'?"

Ozzy replied in a stage whisper. "She means anything valuable under the ground. You just rent the top part."

Makken turned pale, then red, then purple. "Are you telling me humans will take money just for the little bit on top and cheat a hardworking dwarf of all the high-quality coal underneath his own house?!!! Never! I'd soon as walk away from such a deal and go back to dealing with the wyverns."

Suzette walked up to the fuming dwarf and put her arm around him. "High quality coal you say? My, my. That does sound like I'd be better off letting you go back to your wyvern infested cottage. I can rent the top part to some turnip farmer and open up a coal mine to supply the town."

Makken's face paled again. Suzette leaned in and whispered in his ear. "By the way. Thanks for the tip."

The dwarf started jumping up and down, fuming. "Strumpet! Doxy! Mug-filler! Corrupter of young beardlings! I'll not let this stand! I'll bring an army of dwarves! Every pepper farmer in the land! Then you'll see what happens!!"

Suzette smiled. "And they'll be thirsty and come drink my beer rather than fight my boyfriend here for your turnip farm."

Makken stood panting, glaring at her, and then his shoulders slumped. "Damn my hide. Yeah, that's exactly what my family would do. Worthless and lazy. Big tippers every single one of them. All right girl, preliminary discussions are over. Let's start really dickering on the price. Yes, there's coal in the ground. No dwarf builds where there isn't something underneath their house. How you figured it out, I'll never know. Canny, you are. I'll have to remember that."

Suzette wasn't sure if she was up to a long session of haggling if that was just the opening session. "How long are you looking to be here?"

Makken relit his pipe and sat down on a rock. "Oh, at least two-hundred years. But I'll want a clause that I can renew the agreement for another two-hundred if I end up liking the place."

Ozzy could see the wheels turning in Suzettes head. She gave the dwarf an offer: "How about this. The town will help you build your house, just the stonework and timber, up to three stories down. We'll also help with the coal mine, with an outside entrance. We'll also mine the coal and give you half of it. Your taxes are 10 gold a year, but I'm willing to cut a deal with you. If you pay the whole 200 years of taxes up front, I'll give you a 50% discount."

Makken chewed this over. Damned barmaids and their complicated tip-math. That worked out to 5 gold a year, a good price for this farm. And he'd be making money on the coal without lifting a finger, plus the town's help getting set-up. She could only make that sort of offer because she had insanely strong workers like her mountain of a boyfriend who could work as hard as a dwarf.

"You have yourself a deal, missy. Can I pay you in peppers and whiskey for that thousand?"

Suzette smiled over at Ozzy. "You sure can. I have someone I can resell it to who needs all of it for his bacon side business."

Ozzy put his arm around her. "And I can pay you in bacon and ham?"

Suzette batted her eyes at him. "Sorry, this little barmaid’s heart is hard as ice and twice as frosty. You’ll have to pay me in shiny gold coins. I'm sure you'll find them somewhere."

Makken watched Ozzy's face with amusement. There was no doubt she was serious. He approved of her attitude.

If that girl had a decent beard, he'd marry her on the spot.

Sedgewick has added '40-acre pepper farm' to its boundaries.

Sedgewick has added 'coal mine' to its boundaries.

Sedgewick has added 5 gold pieces per year to its income.

Sedgewick has earned 150 building points. (200-50.)

Gadobhra has earned 50 building points.

The three of them headed back to the tavern. She had added the offer of one free flagon of beer per day to the deal, no tip of course. That had pleased the dwarf immensely. The knowledge that she was earning building points by adding to the town pleased Suzette immensely.

They hadn't made it to the tavern when they saw John and Cham running into the town. The two lumberjacks were packing large sacks filled with something heavy. Both bore the signs of a battle, with scratches and bite marks all over their skin. Not much was left of their clothing. Their hair was a bright green now, where it wasn't replaced by small leaves.

"Hey, miss Mayor. We need to talk."

Suzette took in the battle damage and bags of loot. "Sure, let’s get inside and I'll get us some food and beer. You have a story to tell?"

Cham nodded. "Oh yes. One filled with brave heroes, strange wars, and nasty oak trees."

Jon added as they drank down their first beers. "And squirrels, hundreds of squirrels, they nearly got us on our way out."

From the back of the tavern came the voices of drunken bunny girls. Libby, Charlene and Dot joined the group, a small lamb following behind Dot. "Squirrels? We're good at fighting squirrels. Take us with you next time!"

Jon and Cham nodded to each other. "Great! You're drafted! We begin our war of liberation against the evil squirrels as soon as we talk to the mayor here about a treaty."

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