The Butcher of Gadobhra

"Oh man, what the hell did I do last night?" Ozzy had little recollection of the party, and no idea what they had been drinking that could give him such a hang-over. In fact, he couldn't remember any details, but it must have been one hell of a night. The bed was cold, so Suzette was already up. The smell of coffee beckoned. He needed coffee badly. His kilt was next to the bed. Wait...not his kilt. This one was a different color, all grey and black.

Coffee was calling, he put on the kilt and staggered to the door. The room was familiar, but it wasn't his. Didn't matter. Coffee. He pulled open the door and realized where he was.

He was dead. Again. But there was coffee on the table waiting for him. There was a too-small mug and a large pot. He made the decision that in an emergency it was ok to skip the mug. Not the first time he'd had to drink straight from the pot. Only after he had poured a half gallon of near boiling coffee down his throat did he relax and look at the other people at the table.

He nodded to Hades, "Thanks for the hospitality."

The god of Death was in the same chair as before. Hades just nodded back and took a sip from his own cup. It was a large earthen-ware mug that said "World's Best Tax-Collector" on the side. "It's a rather strong blend they grow in the mountains to the south of the Empire. Good for waking people up in the morning. Right Hermes?"

Hermes looked worse than Ozzy felt. He was leaning back in his chair, and barely awake. Both eyes were black, and his nose was swollen - might even be broken. He was holding an icepack on his head with one hand. "Shhhhhh!! people trying to sleep here."

"That's what you get for standing too close to a fight," The speaker was the fourth person at the table- an athletic looking woman that Ozzy remembered being among the people attending the trial. She had very short, blond hair and was dressed in a knee-length, white tunic and leather sandals. She was scratching the head of a hound with one hand and sipping from a bull's horn. A crystal bottle with some golden liquor was in front of her, "You should really have a glass of ambrosia; it will perk you right up." She poured a small amount of the bottle into a cup and pushed it over to the suffering god.

Hermes closed his eyes, "No, need the suffering to feel better. I like the contradiction. And pain helps to teach me things." He pushed the glass over to Ozzy, "Here, you take it. I think you earned it."

The lady with the bottle started to say something, her eyes going wide. "Wait mortal...that vintage is rather strong. It might even kill you again."

Hermes smiled weakly, "One way or another."

Hades tossed a gold coin in the center of the table, "I say he dies."

Hermes leaned forward, took the ice off his head, and put a double handful of gold coins in the center of the table. He looked from Hades to Ozzy, "You always bet that people will die. He's a big boy, I wager he lives."

Ozzy looked back at the room, "Not like I have a lot to lose. It's a short walk." He took the smallest sip. It tasted wonderfully of honey and summer. The feel of sun on his back.

It also burned his tongue and made his lips tingle. "Not bad," He tossed back the rest of the drink.

It was like the sun exploded in his mouth and burned its way down to his stomach where it expanded into a ball of fire, the heat forcing itself into all parts of his body. Ozzy fell forward onto the table, smoke coming out of his ears and mouth.

When even death himself bets on you dying, maybe you shouldn't be taking a drink of unknown liquors given to you by strange women!

You have gained 500 EP in Fire Eating and 500 EP in CON

Fire Eating is now Level 6

You have advanced to Level 8. You gain +200 Health, +600 Stamina, +200 Mana

Ozzy opened his eyes. Hermes hadn't lied. His headache was gone. In exchange he felt like his entire body was on fire. Getting some extra health was nice, maybe it would keep him alive.

Hades sighed. Hermes took that as a sign the mortal would live.

"Thank you, thank you - always glad to take your money." Hermes gleefully scooped up his own coins, and then, looking at the coin Hades had bet, he tossed it to Ozzy, "Here, you take this. You earned it and it will make Suzette happy. I mostly like challenging death and winning." Ozzy took the heavy coin and put it into a fold of his kilt.

"Wow, that stuff has a kick, I feel half-drunk already."

That got a raised eyebrow from the goddess, "Only half? Just wait a few and I expect we'll be either pouring you down a drain, or into bed. " Turning to Hermes she raised her voice and her eyes were angry and the color of a stormy sky, "And you! Why would you presume to just hand over Ambrosia of the gods to a mortal?"

Hermes was looking for his icebag and edging away from the angry goddess, "Sorry, wasn't thinking too well. I've never been hit so hard as I was yesterday."

Ozzy was curious about that, "Who hit you?"

"You did."

"Me?!"

Hermes gave up on his headache, poured himself some ambrosia, and downed it, "Yes, you picked up an insanely powerful runic matrix that was tied into a spell that took dozens of druids to cast. And you brought it down on the head of Leroy, a being the matrix was specifically created to keep out of Gadobhra. You managed to destroy Leroy, vaporize yourself, and only my presence as an observer saved all the other mortals from instant death. You’re welcome."

It was all coming back to Ozzy, "Damn. I nearly screwed that up. I wanted to kill Leroy to protect Suzette."

Hermes smiled, "I appreciate the contradiction you set up. Also, watching a mortal heft that massive dolman and kill a Fallen Angel was the coolest thing I've seen in a long time. If anyone deserved it, it was Leroy."

The goddess with the bottle looked at him, "Is it true you baited him somehow, then trapped and killed him?"

Ozzy was confused, "Who? Leroy? Nope. He showed up, threatened to kill people and hide their souls, then grabbed the handles on Ben's machine. Maybe he wanted the credit for opening Gadobhra? But all hell broke loose, and then he exploded. Not sure how we survived the first blast, but while Billy was...

"Your welcome, but do continue," Hermes looked smug.

"Oh, thanks. Anyway, Billy and Layla went on down to claim the city and Ben wanted me to move the stones. I saw Leroy a bit away, in the road. He wasn't looking too good so I took a chance and dropped a rock on him. And boom!"

The Goddess sat back and laughed, "Oh, that's funny. Someone started a rumor you baited him to you, trapped and killed him. Fooled a lot of us, even me."

Trumpets sounded and drums pounded in a rising crescendo. Ozzy felt his headache coming back.

You have basked in the glory of the radiant goddess, Artemis of the Hunt! And the goddess has heard your prayer!

You are now a Supplicant of Artemis of the Hunt

You have gained 1 RAD.

Ozzy looked at the notification, "What the hell? No offense ma'am, but no, I am not!"

Artemis was equally surprised, "This isn't right. I don't take random mortals just because they have the poor luck to be friends with idiot gods." She pointed at Hermes, "What are you up to?"

Hermes looked pained, "Nothing. Ask the system. I never figured it out. Hades has a better idea."

All eyes turned to the god of Death and Taxes. "I suspect, and this is a guess, that the system took notice of both of Artemis' belief that a mortal hunter had trapped and killed a mighty creature, along with you 'anointing' him with a glass of ambrosia. It's a stretch, but actually less far-fetched than some of the old rituals."

Artemis looked at Ozzy, "Won't work, I know he's not a hunter. You just got lucky."

Hades pondered, "And yet the system found something. Do you perchance use a bow and arrow to hunt, Ozzy?"

Ozzy just laughed, "Nope. The only ranged weapon I have is caber."

Artemis scoffed at that, "A caber? But that...no, forget it. This is silly. What melee weapons do you use?"

"I mostly hit things. Oh, and I have an Italian Billhook. "

All the gods looked at each other. Artemis spoke, "Not familiar with that weapon."

Ozzy whistled and the Ancient Billhook of Entwined Fates appeared in his hand. He slid it over to her.

"What a perversion of good steel this is. What have you killed with it? Seems a bit unwieldy."

Ozzy nodded, "Oh, it is. Before I got up to my current STR it took a lot out of me to swing it. It doesn't work so well on rat-kin, but it was good for stopping a hydra and a rat the size of the house."

Artemis peered at him hard with glowing grey eyes, "You killed a hydra? Yes, I see that's true; also, the monstrous rat. You have the Boar Hunting skill. Shit, I guess that's what the system saw. And also...oh, a butcher." She poured another glass of ambrosia and held it up, "Sorry to doubt you oh great and mysterious system."

Hermes was laughing. Hades looked at her, "You're the goddess of Butchers?" Artemis nodded and drank down her glass, "In some places, yes. It started with being a goddess of the Hunt, then included skinning and dressing the game. Mortals always left a portion for me. When they needed a patron for butchers, skinning, and some other stuff it all got dumped on me. Plus, there's the connection from hunting animals to hunting people - hunters of the most dangerous game; butchers of men. So many ways you can gain followers. I tried to narrow it down, but you can't make mortals not worship you."

Ozzy asked, "So, what now?"

"Nothing. You obviously don't want to worship me, so just take the point of RAD as a bonus. Maybe offer up a porkchop now and then."

Hades looked thoughtful, "Actually, it would be useful if this mortal who slew a Fallen had a benefactor. There will be a lot of beings who wouldn't mind slaying the slayer of Lemechial. You might find yourself here quite a bit."

Ozzy wasn't happy about tying himself to any more powerful beings, "Sorry, I think I learned my lesson about deals. No thanks."

Hermes said, "What if she hired you? No, wait, hear me out. You're a contract worker, right? Artemis holds a big hunt each year. She can hire you from ACME for a couple of days a year to butcher the game that's brought in. In exchange, she puts a subtle mark on you that says 'This mortal under contract to the goddess of the Hunt'. Only immortal and very powerful creatures will see it, no one else."

Artemis approved of the idea. Good help was hard to find for the Great Hunts, and most mortals were too fragile, "Two days a year of work. Transport provided. I'll send an invite one month before."

Ozzy considered and then nodded, "Yeah, I can work with that. Can you put the mark on that pigsticker? My girlfriend is a bit jealous and I don't want to take a chance on her seeing a mark on me. And I'd like my lawyer to look over the contract before Billy signs it."

Artemis quit smiling, "You mistrust me mortal?"

Ozzy held up his hands, "Hermes and Hades are ok with it. I'm fine with you. But I don't trust ACME."

Hermes said, "Smart man. Don't get Suzette mad at you."

Hades rose. "And speaking of keeping people from being angry with you. I recommend we leave my lovely realm and attend the closing session of the court. It should prove interesting. The judges were a bit peeved when I informed them that both parties were dead. I offered to fetch you as a favor to the court, and gave my apologies that Leroy won't be there."

Ozzy felt some relief at that statement. He really didn't want to run into the Fallen again. "So he's already gone? I assumed he could come back like I am."

Hades chuckled, it was an ugly, scary sound. "Oh no, you were quite thorough. His immortal body is destroyed permanently, and his spirit weakened. And in a totally unrelated incident, it has been revealed that he has been cheating on his taxes. He'll be serving time in my deepest cell for quite some time. But don't worry, I believe the court will be making sure that his debts are paid."

Hades opened a door behind which was a small stair and they left the room for a date in court.

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