The Black Swan Behind (Beauty of Fire)

241 Out of Mind and Sanity

Levi’s fist tightened until his fingers began to turn pale. He nodded. “Very well. I understand what you mean. If that is what you want, I won’t force you because this kind of relationship is what I want forever for us; an ordinary friendship between two strangers.”

Levi’s reaction gave Emma a painful throb in her chest. To be honest, her little heart expected rejection from the man. But Levi was still Levi Wargos. It was the figure of a man Emma didn’t recognize well. The figure of a man who in Emma’s eyes, could be cold and warm according to his own wishes.

Yes, Levi was that selfish. And logically, Emma already knew that Levi would agree to Emma’s decision without any objections at all. Because in the end, the man still insisted on not wanting to know each other further.

“Looks like it’s clear now.” Emma smiled widely, pretending to sigh in relief. “Gosh.. it turns out that saying it is this easy, isn’t it?”

Levi just stared at the girl who still smiled as if he didn’t have any value in her eyes.

“Looks like I have to go home now.” Emma glanced at her watch. Then she looked back at Levi, and forced a friendly smile. “Thanks for your time and all your advice so far, Levi. I’m sorry if I ever wronged you. But I really enjoy what we’ve been through. You’ve helped me a lot. I hope your life will continue to be happy in the future.”

Levi chuckled. “You said it well,”

Emma laughed a little. “Well then. Goodbye. Thanks for the pie.” she said before walking away.

Levi didn’t answer the farewell. His two eyes just stared intently at the girl who walked away leaving him at the table alone.

.....

The girl with two light brown irises of the same colour as her hair, took a step further and disappeared down the stairs.

Levi returned his gaze to the front. He raised his hands which had been clenched on his thighs, to the table. He tapped the round object made of wood with his finger. His eyes stared at a small plate that held the leftover pie slice.

“She didn’t finish it.” The man muttered. Then, he stood up from his seat.

Emma opened the cafe door and the still-cold spring night breeze blew her hair and gave a chilling sensation to her skin. For the umpteenth time, she sighed. However, the heaviness in her chest did not go away.

“At least it’s over before things get too complicated, Emma. You have done your best.” She said to herself as she stepped up and pressed the car door lock.

She opened the door of her red car and got in. Just as Emma was about to start her car engine, the front passenger seat door suddenly opened.

“W-what are you doing?” Emma asked with a surprised face.

After closing the door, Levi was seen controlling his panting breath from running after Emma before the girl left – or maybe.. he couldn’t see her again.

Levi actually had a formidable respiratory system. He wouldn’t be panting easily just because he was running. He was used to doing strenuous exercise with a steady breath. But the panic in his heart made each beat seem capable of exploding his heart and collapsing his lungs.

Levi turned to Emma who was still staring at him in silence. Her questioning gaze with her confused face made his feelings mixed. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t even believe what he was doing now. Chasing a girl to suddenly break into her car? Was he a maniac with no self-respect? Maybe he had lost his mind.

“What are you doing?” Emma asked again without reducing her surprised expression.

Levi was silent. His face was no less surprised than Emma’s. He was shocked at his own actions so he couldn’t answer Emma’s question. What should he explain?

Emma shook her head slowly and tiredly. “Do you have anything to say? Or did I leave something there?” She guessed. But since Levi didn’t reply, she continued, “If there’s nothing, you can get out of my car now, please.”

The man’s ambiguous behaviour really confused Emma. That was Levi’s habit, indeed; confusing Emma was his forte. And Emma wasn’t going to let that go on any longer because she realized that her feelings were surprisingly fragile. She might fall if she stood too long on the brink.

“Levi,”

“You haven’t finished your pie yet,” Levi said straight away.

“What?” Emma frowned.

Levi nodded at his own spontaneity. “That’s right. You haven’t finished it yet. It’s still left.”

“Then?” Emma asked. Now her confusion was doubled. What was the problem if she didn’t finish the pie? Did she have to pay?

Levi was silent, gulping as he turned his gaze randomly.

“Levi! Please stop joking! I don’t have..”

“I don’t want it.” Levi finally spoke, stopping Emma’s words.

The man looked at Emma with a gaze she couldn’t understand.

“I don’t agree with your decision,” Levi said. “I don’t want to end this. I still want to see you. Please, can you help me with this?”

Emma couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She thought Levi would agree with her decision. “I.. I’m sorry, Levi. I really can’t do it anymore. You maybe think it’s fine, but I have some objections to it.”

“I understand that you have to put yourself first. Yes, as humans we must put ourselves as the main priority. That is my life principle too. But...” Levi was paused.

Emma looked at him questioningly. “But what?”

“I can’t if I should not see you anymore. It’s okay if it’s once a month – or six months, or even a year. I’ll be fine with that. At least I know that you’re still there for me to meet. You’re still there to talk to.” Levi continued in a low voice.

Emma’s astonished face eventually softened. Her face turned sad. “What happened, Levi? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I’m sorry for dragging you into my personal troubles,” He said. “Have you ever had a flaw that you didn’t want to show anyone?” he looked at Emma sorrowfully.

Levi’s question made Emma feel a small stab in her chest. She thought for a moment, then nodded weakly. She also had a secret that she kept from people. And she had her own reasons for doing so.

“If I show my wound, maybe people who see it will be hurt too. Not only that, even my wound will get deeper. I don’t want that to happen. I know I’m selfish, but can you help me, please? This is my last wish to you.” Levi said quietly.

Emma could only stare at him. She was confused as to what she should do. If someone asked you for help, would you help them, even if you know that by doing that, you would be harmed?

“You’re the only person I can talk to, Emma. I understand that you think of me as a stranger because we both don’t know each other’s private lives. But instead, because of our relationship, I feel very close to you. Because of this relationship, I now feel dependent on you. You do have a big meaning in my life.. even though I can’t show it,” Levi explained again.

“If that’s how you feel, then why are you forcing us to be strangers?” Emma asked.

Then she nodded. “All right, Levi. Since you’ve been honest about your feelings, then so will I. The real reason I don’t want to continue this is; because I want more than this. I want to get to know you more because, just like feelings, any relationship will continue to grow. From just greetings to chatting, making friends, being good friends and...” Emma stopped her sentences.

‘What are you really saying, Emma? Have you gone mad?!’ She exclaimed in her heart, trying to wake herself up before becoming the stupidest woman in this world.

Then Emma quickly shook her head. “If you feel comfortable with someone, don’t you want to have a good relationship with her? Feelings and relationships are like a tree. If you know that a tree can’t bear fruit, then you will cut it down and replace it with a new tree, which can bear sweet fruit.”

“Even if the tree can’t bear fruit, doesn’t it deserve a chance to live? Even if it can’t bear fruit, what if it wants to keep trying to give you a small and insignificant profit? It will give you some cool air and shade. Are you still going to get rid of it?”

Emma bit her lower lip. She couldn’t stand to see Levi begging like this. What the man said really touched her heart. But Poppy’s words kept ringing in her head.

If Emma ended up helping Levi, would what Poppy had experienced happen to her too? Would she experience the same story and pain? It was a pain she couldn’t even imagine to this day.

“But what if you only have a small, piece of land, Levi?” Emma asked after taking a deep breath. “Like it or not, you have to choose one tree to plant.”

“Then keep me as a seed. You don’t need to plant it. I don’t need to grow on your land. At least I’m still with you, right? I won’t consume your land. There are still more suitable trees that can grow there. What do you think, Emma? Hm?”

Levi had nothing left in his head to convince Emma to give him a chance – to make her willing to help him. He indeed was out of his mind and.. sanity.

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