Chapter Ch187.1 - Undercurrent of Emotions (1)
Translated by Eve
Edited by Serefina
12. Undercurrent of Emotions
Everything seemed to go out of focus. For a moment, he seemed to lose control of his body. His awareness gradually drifted away and his legs went soft beneath him as he fell towards the ground.
Liang Chengshan had an arm around Xie He’s shoulder. He immediately sensed that there was something wrong with Xie He. He promptly wrapped an arm around Xie He’s waist so that he wouldn’t fall to the ground. He looked down and noticed that Xie He’s eyes had gone slack, and his face had turned pale. There was a thin layer of sweat over Xie He’s forehead, and he looked like he was stuck in a painful hallucination.
Liang Chengshan’s expression changed dramatically. He threw the umbrella out of his hand and pulled Xie He into a bridal carry. He rushed to the car and then instructed the driver to head straight for the hospital!
The whole journey, he held Xie He tightly in his arms. He stroked the other’s body and kissed his forehead, trying to alleviate Xie He’s pain. But this time, Xie He didn’t wake up. Xie He’s eyes were still tightly closed and his eyelashes trembled. He let out quiet moans of pain.
This was the first time...his embrace had been unable to calm Xie He down.
Deep concern emerged in Liang Chengshan’s eyes. He had thought that he had enough control over everything, that he could ensure that Xie He would recover...but unexpected things had repeatedly occurred to Xie He. The other’s situation kept deteriorating. It had reached a point where even he felt like he had been caught unprepared.
The amount of harm he had inflicted to the other had already far surpassed his predictions. Furthermore, things were heading in an even worse direction.
Xie He felt like his soul had been dragged back to that dark room. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t sleep. Endless pain and loneliness tortured him, grinding down his willpower. It had shattered his memories to pieces....But there seemed to be something in his fragmented memories that was beckoning him intensely....
What was it...what was it...?
Had he forgotten something very important?
Xie He fought like his life depended on it. He wanted to leave this hopeless space. He didn’t care about what he had forgotten. He just wanted to be with Liang Chengshan—that would be enough. His beloved could end his pain. He wouldn’t have to feel unwell anymore....
He would never go back to that dark place. He didn’t want to remember the horrifying past. He didn’t want to know what sins he had committed.
He felt like everything was fine as it was now. This was what he wanted....
But no matter how hard he tried, he could not leave. He was submerged in the pain and fear. A voice kept asking him, “How could you have forgotten? How could you have forgotten?!”
How could you have fallen in love with the person you hated the most?!
At this moment, it was like everything had gone. The deeply rooted hatred planted in his soul began to squirm with all its might. It wanted to seep out from the seal. It wanted to destroy its binds. It wanted to control his heart once more.
Xie He didn’t want to remember, but that deeply-ingrained hatred once again appeared in the depths of his heart. It once again took root.
He hated Liang Chengshan&#k2026;.
Even though he didn’t know why, what he did know was that&#k2026;he hated him.
This was the feeling and thought he had clung onto until the very end during the time in which he had been trapped in that despair and pain.
Liang Chengshan held Xie He tightly the whole way to the hospital. He didn’t even let go when they reached their destination. He watched nervously as the doctor examined Xie He. However, the results stated that everything was normal. Xie He was only sleeping. There wasn’t anything wrong with him.
The doctor said that he just had a nightmare.
A nightmare.... This answer didn’t put Liang Chengshan’s heart at ease. In contrast, it made him furrow his brows, his worry deepening.
Xie He had always slept very peacefully in his arms. He would never have a nightmare. But this time...it seemed like not even his embrace could bring him peace.
........................
When Xie He woke up, he found himself back home. He was enveloped in a warm embrace. As soon as he opened his eyes, he was met with the face he both loved deeply...and hated.
Liang Chengshan stared at him. His intense gaze was gentle and patient. His concern was as clear as day. With a low voice, he said, “You’re awake.”
For a moment, Xie He’s eyes glazed over. A flicker of pain and hesitation flashed through his eyes. This person so obviously loved him and was so patient with him—he treated Xie He so well—so why did Xie He hate him?
He didn’t want to leave this warm embrace. Only being in this man’s arms could alleviate his fear.... But the venomous voice in the depths of his heart kept denouncing him.
It kept shrieking inside his head....
You hate him, you hate him, you hate him!
Liang Chengshan noticed that Xie He’s complexion was off. His expression sank. Right now, the most important thing was to figure out why Xie He had suddenly fainted. What had triggered him? Liang Chengshan didn’t think that they had encountered anything that would have set Xie He off today.
He stroked Xie He’s back and gently said, “If there’s anything on your mind, you can tell me.”
Xie He stared at Liang Chengshan dazedly.
He knew that he should be honest with the other man, just like Liang Chengshan had told him before. He should tell the other what was on his mind. Only then would Liang Chengshan be able to take care of him...but...how could he say this out loud? How could he tell Liang Chengshan he hated him?
Xie He’s face turned slightly more pale. If Liang Chengshan knew that he hadn’t properly reflected on his mistake and still hated him, he would have to go back to the infinite darkness for punishment....
No. He couldn’t let the other know!
Xie He averted his gaze. With a quiet voice, he said, “N-nothing....”
Liang Chengshan’s gaze bore into Xie He. Xie He was obviously trying to hide something from him. There was something on his mind, but he wasn’t willing to tell Liang Chengshan.
This had never happened before.
Liang Chengshan raised Xie He’s chin and kissed him. It was a lingering kiss, one of unquestionable plundering as he stole the breath from the other’s lips. It was gentle but forceful. He kissed Xie He until the other’s cheeks were flushed and eyes were watery. He then wrapped his arms around him and said in a soft voice, “Do you know how worried I am about you? If you lie to me, it’ll only make me more concerned. And I won’t be able to protect you.”
Xie He was kissed until he felt like his head was spinning. Liang Chengshan was like his drug. He made him feel so intoxicated and made him lose his reason. The other had also already seen through his lie. If he continued to try and hide things, it would only anger Liang Chengshan. He would then have to return to the darkness....
But Xie He instinctively knew that he absolutely could not let Liang Chengshan know about this....Suddenly, the light in his eyes glinted and he looked up with sorrowful eyes. He said, “I...I just don’t think I’m suited to be your partner...I’m so useless, I don’t have the right to be your partner....I’m really upset....”
Liang Chengshan gazed into Xie He’s eyes. The pain and sorrow was not feigned. He sighed quietly and then looked at Xie He with a resolute stare. “If you’re hurt and upset over this—there’s no need to be. Only you could ever be my partner.”
Xie He stammered, “But I-I....”
Liang Chengshan pressed against his lips. He said, “No ‘buts.’ I will not change my mind. If you feel sad or guilty, then pull yourself together. Become someone useful to me. You can do it, can’t you?”
Xie He hesitated and then nodded. He could see the love in Liang Chengshan’s eyes. When he recalled his hatred for the other, it felt like his heart had been clenched into a tight ball.
........................
From that day on, Liang Chengshan began to arrange for their wedding without any restraint. With his status and identity, a wedding wasn’t necessary. He was just doing this because he wanted to give his beloved the respect he deserved. He wanted his lover to never think such ridiculous, self-deprecating thoughts again.
Liang Chengshan was not an impulsive youngster anymore. If a man at his age were to genuinely love someone, then that love would have already gone through careful reflection and deliberation. It would not be fueled by hormones or a desire for novelty. If he sincerely loved someone, he would want that person to be able to rely on him as much as they needed.
Although he had left his native country many years ago, Liang Chengshan still had a traditional side to him. The date of their wedding could not be chosen randomly. He had to choose an auspicious day and begin preparations long in advance. He invited people from both the political and business sides. He wanted to announce their union to the world.
Very soon, everyone knew that Liang Chengshan was going to get married and that his spouse-to-be was a young man named Yang Ling.
Many knew that Liang Chengshan liked men. He had always been open to both men and women alike. However, many people were shocked that he seriously intended to marry a man. They were curious as to what kind of person Yang Ling was to make Liang Chengshan so infatuated.
Liang Chengshan’s actions were akin to him sharing his empire with Yang Ling. He was making the other his equal.
Unless it was true love, nothing would make Liang Chengshan do such a thing.
Xie He’s mood did not improve, however. Normally, Liang Chengshan’s actions would reassure him but...he could not forget that...he hated him.
Every time he looked at Liang Chengshan, every time he enjoyed the warmth the other’s hold gave him, every time he heard him say he loved him...hatred would involuntarily emerge in his heart. He didn’t know whether he loved or hated this person anymore.
Liang Chengshan noticed Xie He’s misgivings and struggles. Nonetheless, he had thought that it was because of his low confidence and helplessness. Therefore, he had worked hard to treat him even better, to show him even more concern and care.
But Liang Chengshan’s care only made things more difficult for Xie He. He felt dirty and despicable. A vile seed had begun to sprout.... If Liang Chengshan knew how he truly felt, he would definitely be disappointed in him.
His love for this man was no longer pure.
What pained Xie He even more was that no matter how hard he tried to suppress it, that hatred could not be erased. Instead, it kept getting stronger. His love and dependence on Liang Chengshan was already struggling to suppress the hatred.
He had begun to think about why he hated Liang Chengshan. What had the other done...?
He began to want to search for his missing memories. He didn’t want to be controlled by instinct.
Finally, one day, Xie He told Liang Chengshan, “I want to go out with you. I don’t want to stay at home all the time.”
Liang Chengshan was pleasantly surprised. He had been worried because Xie He hadn’t ever wanted to leave the house. It was rare for Xie He to want to go out. He naturally would not stop him. He looked at him gently, eyes filled with love, and said, “Okay.”
Xie He cast his gaze down. He didn’t want Liang Chengshan to see the expression in his eyes.
He wanted to go out...not because he wanted to marry Liang Chengshan and work hard for him...but because he wanted to see more of the world, to see if he could recover his memories. He couldn’t bear to be ignorant anymore.
Liang Chengshan’s gentle care made him feel ashamed. He couldn’t face Liang Chengshan’s trust and love. However...why should he feel guilty towards someone he hated?
The contradictory feelings tormented Xie He every day.
Xie He still didn’t dare ride the elevator by himself. But if Liang Chengshan was holding him, he wouldn’t be afraid. He and Liang Chengshan arrived at the office together. However, Xie He wasn’t in the mood to do anything. In any case, he couldn’t do anything on his own anyway.... This time, he was once again faced with Kenny’s cold look.
Xie He had always known that Kenny didn’t like him, that the other abhorred him. Right now, an idea popped in his head....Kenny was Liang Chengshan’s personal bodyguard. He must know about a lot of things.
Xie He said to Liang Chengshan, “I want to get some air.”
Liang Chengshan had always been very indulgent with Xie He. As long as Xie He was happy, any thing was fine. He smiled. “Okay, but don’t stray far. We’ll leave together when I’m done.” He was worried that Xie He would find things difficult, being unable to ride the elevator on his own, and that his esteem would suffer because of it. Therefore, he had specifically told him not to go far and to wait for him.
Xie He nodded and gave him an unnatural smile. “Mn.”
Eve: Finally getting closer to XH’s comeback.
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