Return of the Runebound Professor

All the air was knocked from Noah’s lungs as something punched into his stomach. The red energy of the portal vanished with a sizzle as he doubled over, coughing, and slammed into the ground. Rough dirt pressed against his cheek and a dry, acrid stench worked its way into his nose, something between sulfur and burnt bread.

It felt like his body had been stuffed through a sausage grinder. Every single one of his muscles ached and a furious headache pounded in a temple. Even though his eyes were still squeezed shut, the world shuddered, spun, twirled like he was on a carnival ride.

One of his hands was still wrapped around something. It took his reeling mind a moment to remember what it was. He forced his eyes open and shoved himself up with his free hand, ignoring the sharp earth as it pushed into his palm.

Lee laid before him, her form back to normal. Her claws and horn had receded. He still had a vice grip on her ankle. Red dirt stretched out all around them, a ruddy color that would have looked right at home on the surface of mars. Noah coughed some dust out of his lungs.

Something shifted behind him and he jerked his head around, only to find Moxie pushing herself up. Her hair was covered with a fine layer of dust and her clothes were streaked with reddish-brown streaks from the ground.

A vague memory of something snagging onto his leg before he’d entered the portal passed through his mind. She’d done the exact same move to him that he had to Lee.

Noah tried to speak but ended up coughing up more bitter dust instead. He doubled over, heaving and coughing in an attempt to empty his lungs. Moxie joined him in his coughing fit. By the time the two of them had managed to gather themselves again, Lee had started to stir.

She sat up and looked down at the ground, rubbed it between two fingers, then let her hand drop once more. Lee blinked heavily several times to get the dust out of her eyes, then wiped her face with the back of her arm.

“Noah? Moxie? Why are you here?” Lee asked. She blinked again, then rubbed at her eyes once more. “Are you here?”

“As far as I know, yes,” Noah replied. His throat was dry and scratchy, but at least he could breathe properly again. He ran his tongue along his lips and grimaced in distaste. The bitter taste of the ground had still yet to leave his mouth. “Is everyone okay?”

“I’m alive, and it looks like the two of you are as well.” Moxie pushed her hair away from her face. “I think that’s the best we could have possibly hoped after that shitshow.”

“I don’t get it. Why are you here?” Lee asked, a note of panic entering her voice. “Why did you follow me? Don’t you realize what happened? We’re in—”

“The Damned Plains,” Noah finished. He directed his gaze upward. A vast expanse of black stretched above him, entirely devoid of clouds or stars. Swirls of red energy slithered through the sky like serpents, passing over an enormous, light blue moon. “I know, Lee. Wizen got the key working.”

“If you knew, why did you follow me in?” Lee demanded, then doubled over coughing as she accidentally inhaled some of the dust floating around them. She wiped her mouth off with the back of a sleeve. “I pushed you out of the way so you wouldn’t fall in!”

“Which I deeply appreciate,” Noah said, casting his gaze around them. There was nothing but rolling red hills. Of Wizen, there was no sign. “You saved me from getting dragged along by Wizen. He wasn’t holding onto us when we fell into the portal, so it looks like we got sent somewhere else.”

“Maybe some god felt pity for all the stupid shit we’ve been through,” Moxie muttered. She started trying to comb the dust out of her hair, and Noah caught a faint tremble in her fingers.

He could feel the same shaking in his own hands, a mixture of fading adrenaline and worry swirling its way through his bloodstream and winding around his chest. They were in the Damned Plains.

“If you knew, why did you do it?” Lee’s gaze bored into his head and her hands tightened in the red dirt.

“Because there was no damn way I was going to let you get sucked back here alone. When I realized that pulling you back out wasn’t an option, there really wasn’t any path left but forward.”

“Fortunately, I was close enough to do the same,” Moxie said. “I don’t even want to think about the shitshow that would have happened if I left you two idiots alone in the Damned Plains. The whole place would probably be burned to the ground in a month.”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Lee let out a choking mixture between a laugh and a sob. “You’re both so stupid.”

Noah braced his hands against his knees and rose with a grunt. He pulled Lee to her feet and pulled her to his chest with one arm, ruffling her hair with the other. “Stupid enough to get it patented. It’s not fair to expect someone to change who they are, you know.”

It was a few seconds before Lee gathered herself enough to respond. “Thanks. You’re still stupid. You should help Moxie up before she gets jealous.”

Noah let out a bark of laughter and turned to Moxie, who was watching them from the ground with a small smile that did little to hide the creases of concern in her brow. He held his hand out.

“You don’t think I can get up on my own? I was giving you a moment while I pondered our situation in hopes of finding a way out of it.”

“I’m confident a woman of your caliber is more than capable of standing on her own, but I suspect you appreciate the offer anyway — especially when it came at recommendation of Lee. And I don’t suppose you’ve managed to figure out a solution to that problem?”

Moxie snorted and took his hand, letting him pull her up.

“Did we happen to steal the dagger off Wizen while we fell through the portal?”

Lee shook her head and pulled away from Noah. She wiped her nose with the back of a sleeve — a sleeve that had already seen a fair bit of wiping that day and was starting to get rather stained. “No. I wasn’t trying to hold onto him. We lost contact halfway through the portal.”

Moxie nodded sagely. “That’s honestly probably for the best. As for my solution — well, I think that’s pretty simple. All we have to do is track Wizen down and steal the dagger back from him.”

“You make that sound easy,” Lee said with a small laugh. She kicked the dirt at her feet and paused to watch the resulting cloud roll across the ground. “You don’t know what it’s like here.”

“You’re right,” Moxie agreed. “I’ve got no damn clue. And if I’m honest with you, I’m fucking terrified.”

“Then—”

“But I’d be terrified a hundred times over before I let either of you try to deal with this on your own,” Moxie said. Her gaze sharpened and she gave Lee a flick in the forehead. “Don’t even try to suggest that we should have left you behind again.”

Lee swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”

“So,” Noah said, turning in a circle to see if there was literally anything around them. The only thing he found was swathes of sandy red dirt. “I suppose we’re your guests now. Is all of the Damned Plains like this? A crash course could be useful.”

“It’s pretty varied. Not as much as the human world but varied. It’s just that every part of it is awful,” Lee said. She sniffed at the air and grimaced, rubbing at her nose. “A lot of it is like this. They’re called Wastes. This is where many of the lowest level demons and bottom feeders hide. I spent a lot of time in places like this.”

“They hide?” Noah looked around the sand, then drew on his imbuements to see if there was anything nearby. There didn’t seem to be any movement around them that was out of the ordinary. “Where?”

“Not usually in the ground,” Lee answered. “There are other places. Caves. Cliffsides. All over. This area is just even more barren than most.”

“Any plants?” Moxie asked hopefully.

“Not really. Not here, at least.”

“That’s fine. I brought my own.”

“What else should we know off the bat?” Noah asked. “I vaguely recall you mentioning the existence of roaming demon cities. Can we—”

“No. It’s too dangerous.” Lee shook her head firmly. “I know the mortal realm was different, but the limit here isn’t Rank 6. There are Rank 7 demons in many of the cities. They don’t just let you in. You need to prove your worth to them.”

“And how do we do that?” Moxie asked. “Kill a bunch of people?”

“Not too far from the truth,” Lee admitted. “You need to be of high enough rank or have someone vouch for you, and then you need to bring a suitable sacrifice to the ruler of the city you’re trying to enter. That’s usually some part of another demon you ran into. The stronger, the better.”

“So we just need to find a demon that acts like an asshole and we can head over to one of the cities?” Noah asked. “Because that seems like it would be the most logical first step. I’m sure the demons have some sort of information exchange, so we could try to learn about Wizen and what he’s up to.”

“You’re forgetting something,” Lee said. She poked Noah in the chest. “You and Moxie are human. There isn’t much more valuable to demons than that. You’re a walking source of food. Humans don’t just walk around in the Damned Plains.”

Noah winced. That was a pretty good point. “Never? Is it really that obvious? I never thought that much about it, but if you just feast on emotion… can you really tell who’s a demon and who isn’t? You didn’t even have horns until recently.”

“Well… your emotions taste better. You can’t really tell immediately, but demons and humans have differences. You know that. You’ve seen me and Azel. We don’t have domains and stuff. We also act really differently. A human would get spotted really fast.”

Noah tilted his head to the side. “That’s it?”

“What do you mean, that’s it? That’s a lot.”

“It’s definitely a problem, but if I’m understanding this correctly, you’ve just told me that as long as we act like demons and don’t reveal our domains, the other demons won’t have any way to know that we aren’t demons. Am I right?”

“Well… yeah. I guess,” Lee said with a small frown. “I haven’t put that much thought into it, but powerful demons can take on human forms.”

“Then I think we should go find that sacrifice and the nearest city,” Noah said, a determined smile pulling across his lips. “Because if there’s one thing I’m really damn good at, it’s bullshitting.”

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