By the end of the day, she had revised one chapter of each subject. It was not a bad feat for someone like her. For the first time in her life, she studied five hours a day without forcing herself.
In the next couple of days, she began self-studying for at least 3 hours a day after school ended. She didn’t know why but she lost too much weight and gained a couple of digestive problems and headaches had become her constant friend.
Before she could notice that something was not right with her, the monthly tests arrived sucking the life out of her.
“Xiulan?” Shen Yue came running as she exited the examination hall and asked, “How was the exam?”
“I don’t even know where the majority of the questions came from, “An Xiulan muttered in a low and exhausted tone.
What was she thinking that reading a couple of books would make her a pro in the subject?
If it was the case, everyone in her class would be topper by now.
To be honest, she felt like crying at this moment. For the last twenty days, she had been studying nonstop to do well in this subject but when she saw the test paper, she realised that she didn’t even know the majority of the questions.
It would be a different thing if she didn’t know the answers to the questions but to feel as if the questions weren’t even from the syllabus…she felt choked with so many unknown emotions. She tried so hard but she didn’t improve at all. She was now a hopeless case.
Now she would fail the exam and she would be kicked out by the school. Once again, she would be left uneducated. What was she thinking when she decided to be a phoenix when she was nothing but a dumb hen!
“It’s okay, you did your best, ” Shen Yue said, before leaving.
An Xiulan gave her a stiff smile. Nobody understood what she was going through. She knew that she was a weak student but… you know what…she didn’t even know what to think about it. No matter how much she tried to improve, she didn’t and now it was hurting her.
Physically, she was exhausted already but now her mental strength was crumbling bit by bit.
It was the first exam and she performed poorly in it. She had no energy or will left to write the next paper.
- When she went home after spending long hours in the library, Gu Shangyan and Lu Xuan were discussing their outstanding performance once again.
She felt like a foreigner there. Was she bitter about it? Maybe, she had been so pessimistic lately that she felt so guilty and terrible about herself. It was not her brother’s fault that they were born outstanding while she was below average.
“Children, your uncle made his speciality, Sichuan-style chicken, ” An Qinyan said with a smile. Gu Yanxi came holding the big pot of chicken. She looked at An Xiulan and said, “Lanlan, he made a mild version for you. Your stomach will not be able to take it.”
“But I want to try, ” An Xiulan said rather stubbornly.
“You will not be able to handle it, ” An Qinyan said once again. “Fine, you want to try it. Don’t say later that your mouth is burning.”
As An Xiulan took a bite of the spicy food, she felt her tongue burning, her finger that touched the hot and extra spicy chicken curry ended up touching her cheek and it started burning too. Still, she didn’t stop and ate the chicken placed on her plate with rice, despite the protest of her tongue that was now numb. Her throat was burning and so were her lips and cheeks. Tears welled up in her eyes and it was now that she knew that she couldn’t take anymore.
“I told you that you will not be able to take it, ” An Qinyan said anxiously as she went to the kitchen to get something sweet and cold for her daughter. When she came with ice cream, she saw how her daughter’s face had turned red.
“Mom, I’m fine, ” An Xiulan said in a hoarse voice as tears trickled down her cheeks. It was not the tears because of the spicy food but tears of frustration and failure. For a month, she had been holding back her tears as crying meant accepting that she was hopeless. But this exam reminded her that she was hopeless and a failure. No matter how much she worked hard, she would never be able to improve.
What was she other than a pretty face?
“Eat this, ” An Qinyan gently patted her back and fed her ice cream.
This time, An Xiulan’s tears trickled faster and harder when her mom fed her ice cream. She was weak to gentleness and care.
“It’s okay. It’s okay, ” An Qinyan gently rubbed her back and fed her ice cream. “If you don’t think about your burning mouth, it will not burn. Eat more cream. “
“Mom, my cheeks are burning too, ” An Xiulan said. She wanted to wipe her cheeks but feared touching her cheeks with her hands.
“Okay. Okay. Come with mom. I will wash your face, ” An Qinyan whispered as took her out of there to her bedroom that was close by. She washed her daughter’s face with cold water that the former despised and rubbed an ice cube on the reddened skin. “Does it burn less now?”
An Xiulan nodded her head but her eyes were red and swollen.
“Why don’t you lie down for a moment?” An Qinyan said to her.
“I have an exam tomorrow. I have to study–”
An Qinyan replied, “I will wake you in the early morning. Why don’t you rest today? Lie here.”
“Mom, I will lie down in my room, ” An Xiulan said in a hoarse voice.
“I am not asking you to sleep but at least lie here, ” said An Qinyan.
____
A/N: You know what hurts the most? Expectations. An Xiulan had just too many expectations and they are breaking them one by one. It isn’t anyone’s fault that they couldn’t fill her expectations as she never told them what she wanted from them. More than anything, she had too many expectations of herself and now that she tasted her first real defeat here, she found herself lost now.
Moreover, she is a teenager and you know how teenagers work. When they think they are hurt, they try to get more hurt instead of saying what is hurting them.
Her feeling this way was very important or she would never be able to learn how to live alone. Gu Shangyan, Lu Xuan and An Qinyan can’t be there for her all the time. Eventually, they will have clashes of interests, opinions and principles. It is a completely different topic about who is right or wrong.
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