North x Northwest

Chapter 135

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A few hours ago.

I need to tell her that Im sorry.

His rational self-reflection already came after only half a day of confinement.

Ed raised his head amid a sense of self-pity and all kinds of self-deprecating emotions.

At first, I was angry. What Cesar read out was clearly a ridiculous fabrication. Theres no need to go into the authenticity of the content, for Cesar simply doesnt know how to decipher Nicolas Tears*. It seems that Liloa thought it was the Mandus code used by officers, but Nicolas Tears is a code system only known by the now retired Nicola, Sagastar, and a small selection of high ranked officers on the Vishas Unless Cesar became me, he couldnt have pulled a book from my Admirals room on the Visha, tens of thousands of morts away from the Bell Rock

This absurd situation if Liloa had even a smidgeon of suspicion, she shouldve noticed that it was all part of a bigger conspiracy. But she believed it in a heartbeat. She didnt even look at the letter; all she knew was what Cesar recited. It was absolute trust that left no room for suspicion to dig into. Im not sure why she delegated that authority to Cesar, but seeing it right in front of my eyes made me furious.

I cant accept it at all. It wasnt just Liloa, but Cesar too His sneer I saw the other day is still so vivid. I denied it in the beginning, but looking back on it, it was definitely a laugh meant to mock me.

Cesar may have considered Ed to be his rival, but Ed was confident that the one with the upper hand was himself.

Despite their romantic relationship, I always thought that I had a much more comprehensive understanding of Liloa than him. Like the fact that Cesar has no idea that Liloa suffers from nightmares

That made it even more difficult for Ed to grasp.

Cesar, whos only waiting for Liloas retirement, and Liloa, who naturally believes in Cesar.

Ed finally began to wonder if he had been looking at an illusion all along.

Perhaps it was Cesar who didnt have to take his opponent seriously. Liloas feelings for him are that strong, and he knows it well. Of course, Liloa has to be aware of that too In the end, it was only me who was stupid

He gritted his teeth in disgust at Lils choice. What seemed obvious to the both of them, came as a cruel surprise to Ed. He had been deceived for a while, not only by Lils transformation, the origin of his illusion, but also by the absolute belief that it might have meant something When he began to suspect that everything was an illusion, he felt shame and self-hatred, as well as anger toward Lil

Suddenly, all sorts of questions exploded in his head.

Why did she keep denying the artifacts effect? And why does she make people feel guilty by accepting things so carelessly? How can she call this act faith, if its so easy for her to abandon? Why am I suffering like this?

Her doubts and beliefs are based on her own convenience. How arbitrary! From the moment we met, Liloa made it clear that her trust is unspeakably hard to give, so I lightened up the mood through jokes. But now that I think about it, it isnt even funny anymore. Her trust felt as light as a feather when I received it, but having it taken away is one of the toughest feelings in the world

Thats when his inner turmoil stopped. When he thought about taking it away, the imagery in front of his eyes became so vivid. He was sure he could even hear the sound of dripping water. He started crying while laughing like the beautiful, pitiful, yet pathetic figure that he was.

Even after reaching such a low point, the only one who wanted love was

Ed glared at the ceiling with his hot, raging eyes.

I have only myself to blame for being in this position. Why the hell did I feel the need to drag myself through the mud? Normally, self-love means leaving some pride for yourself, but its all in vain now. Am I even certain that my feelings for Liloa arent love? In the end, Im the only one whos disappointed. Im the helpless one. No matter how cruel she turns, I will still beg for a chance to be spoken to, even if she curses at me and even if I met her eyes full of contempt, I would still plead to be looked at

Shattered by a sense of helplessness, Ed ended up wishing for Lil to open the cabin door and appear without resentment or anger. It was hopeless to admit to misery and endure it, the childishness of wanting to hate Lil had long since fallen to its knees.

In the end, all of this nonsense was about wanting her to know how hurt I am. But what good would it do me if Liloa doesnt come to see me?

On that note, he had acted crazy haphazardly. He thought he was on to something, so he proceeded impulsively.

However, someone whos misunderstood must be allowed to explain themselves before the other party gets angry. But now, Im the one responsible for this misunderstanding, not Liloa

Eds resentment, anger, and shame came much faster than his regret. Regret only came after the rampage already happened, and annoyingly tickled his whole being. After suffering from remorse that was building up over time, he was desperate to be forgiven in the end. He wanted to be the first to say sorry, but the quicker he wanted to tell her, the more impatient Ed became. For him, their misunderstanding was nothing more than a waste of time. No matter the feelings he has for her and if they could be called affection or not, he was wasting time by feeling at a loss that his feelings werent reciprocated.

But no matter how long Ed waited, Lil didnt come. The tightly closed door looked in that sense just like her heart. Ed rummaged through the ashes that his hope had been reduced to.

She told me to explain. Didnt she want an explanation from me? At that moment, she couldnt even point her gun directly at me Even at that moment, she wanted to keep me alive.

However, as time passed, only those who stood guard appeared alternately. The rope that tightened his wrists became tediously bitter

Ed moistened his parched lips. Raising his head a little, he faced Alain who was leaning against the opposite wall. His fingertips were, of course, resting on the barrel of his gun. Despite his clear hostility, Alain never tried to come within a certain distance as though he had heeded some advice from his captain.

Eds dry tongue moved stiffly.

I need to speak to the Captain.

Alain glanced at Ed and shook his head.

Dont even dream about it.

As if Alain was dissatisfied with the sudden silence, he added with a more ferocious look.

That man is in favour of fair trials, so if you start complaining about unfair treatment, chances are he would actually listen to you and even be swayed by it No way in hell, I let that happen.

Why?

What do you mean why? Does a Navy like you not understand the situation?

Being a spy means that youre not even compatible with animals, but youre still acting so boldly. Well, then again you have to be that shameless when you need to be able to sell a persons life at ease. Youre such a disgusting The only reason Im letting you live is due to the Captains orders. Dont forget that.

Yeah right, the Captains orders. Because he thinks that letting me live is the right thing to do, right? But in the meantime, you guys are pretending to be able to read the code, when the reality is that no one but me actually can.

Damn it! Stop talking if you dont want me to forcefully shut your trap myself.

Ed stared at the old man who had threatened him.

If you bring the Captain, Ill indeed start complaining about how unfair this all is, just like you said.

Wha What you shameless bastard!

Because it really is unfair, isnt it?

In response to Eds calm words, Alain could only stutter. His forehead and cheeks flushed red, and he averted Eds gaze. Conflicted eyes filled with guilt circled the tip of the gun. Ed decided to continue playing with Alains conscience.

Its strange, isnt it? You guys are always talking about the code But what if im really being wronged, what then? Also, the Bell Rock isnt in any immediate danger. What is it that youre all so concerned about?

Cut the crap

The reason why you guys are making such a fuss is out of fear. But theres nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

Shut up! You Navy bastard I was right, plugging that hole in your mouth will be for the best

After approaching him with a growl, Alain put a gag in Eds mouth and left.

Jericho, who eventually came in after him, stared at Ed as if he were looking at a monster. Soon he didnt even try to meet his eyes anymore and sobs and lamentations were the only sounds coming from him. It turned into an absurd situation when Jericho looked like he was about to cry. Not long after, Jericho left the cabin again, still wiping his nose and Ed expected that Alain would come back. But the guy who opened the door was Courant. Eds eyes widened as the boy set foot in the cabin

Footnote:

Nicolas Tears: Nicola was the Commodore under Ed before Sagastar. He was honourably discharged by the Emperor after basically going insane from working with Ed. Knowing that, its quite funny to know their code is called Nicolas tears. We can easily guess how many tears the guy had shed because of it haha.

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