Merchant Crab

“Mffhahtf!” yelled the crab from behind the starfish stuck to his face.

Which, for those unfamiliar with the muffled screams of crustaceans, roughly translates to “I require assistance for there is an echinoderm firmly grasping my facial area, and I am in great distress.”

Or something akin to that.

Falling backwards onto his shell, Balthazar tried to swat his assailant off, while in turn the starfish used one of its arms to try and grab his eyestalks.

The creature tightened its grip on the merchant’s face, sticking to it like pecan pie to the roof of his mouth, but with a much more salty aftertaste.

Several seconds passed as the panicked crustacean tried to remove the invertebrate without success, and if it were anyone else in that predicament, the starfish’s victory would seem a sure thing at this point.

Thankfully, Balthazar was not anyone else. He was a crab, and thus, superior in every way.

Finally getting a grip on his panic and also a grip on the starfish with his left pincer, the crab ripped the creature off his face with a loud pop and tossed it on the sand, where it landed limp and embarrassed.

“Bah!” exclaimed the disgusted merchant as he spat out sand and saltwater. “Stupid thing! You thought you were gonna suffocate me, didn’t you?!”

The starfish did not actually think much of anything, given its lack of a brain, but Balthazar was right in the fact that his triumph was due to the creature’s lack of knowledge about how crabs breathe: through gills, not on his face, but under his carapace.

A fact that everyone surely knew, except perhaps for mindless fleshy beings, such as these starfish, and also human adventurers.

Shamed and defeated, the boneless asterisk flopped its appendages a couple of times to let the incoming waves wash it away, back to the seabed, where the crab imagined it would lick its wounds and tell all its friends never to mess with crabs.

“Yeah, get out of here!” yelled Balthazar, shaking an angry claw at the receding sea foam.

Taking a moment to rub his face and get the unpleasant feeling of starfish suction off of it, the crab pondered on what to do next.

“What am I supposed to do here?” he said to himself, kicking some sand with a couple of legs. “There’s nothing in this place, except for sand and floppy face huggers! I should have brought Rye along. There aren’t even any signs, where the hell is a new adventurer supposed to go?”

Balthazar sat down on the sand, watching the waves come and go, lamenting his woes to the uncaring ocean.

“I just need to find one of those damn scrolls, then maybe I can figure out how to use that stupid system to get my friends back. That’s all I ask for! Well, maybe a couple of pies too. And stumbling upon a chest full of gold buried around here somewhere would be nice as well, I guess. But that’s all!”

The crab idly scratched at the wet sand’s surface with the tip of his pincer, making a similar marking as the one he had once made on the surface of his favorite boulder, so many seasons ago.

“I miss you, you dumb old rock,” he whispered with a sigh.

As the sky grew more orange over the ocean, Balthazar watched the slowly setting sun on the horizon, admiring the vast waters extending in front of him, like a pond fit for a king.

“Damn it, I can’t sit here forever!” he finally exclaimed, tired of waiting after a whole half minute. “Where’s a stupid adventurer when you need one? Back when I didn’t wanna see them, they’d practically fall from the sky!”

The crab looked up at the darkening clouds, seeing nothing, not even birds, thankfully.

As he lowered his gaze, he spotted a peculiar volume on the wet sand.

Washed ashore motionless was a lump of wet rags, hair, and flesh. Also known as a human.

“Oh?” said the crab, before hurriedly skittering his legs to the body.

As he circled around the new arrival, Balthazar saw that he was a young man wearing ragged clothing, likely the same age or even younger than Rye.

“Hey, you alive?” the merchant said, poking at the unconscious boy’s shoulder with the back of his pincer. “You’d better not suddenly jump at me and try to suck my face off too or—”

“BLARGH!” the human suddenly yelled, his eyes snapping open and his body jumping to a sitting position.

“Ah! Son of a…” the startled crab exclaimed. “Don’t do that!”

The young man looked around with dilated, panicked eyes, his chest moving up and down quickly like he had just run a marathon or had a near-death experience, which, in the crab’s point of view, were essentially the same thing. His gaze landed on Balthazar, confusion and fright plastered all over his expression.

“I… You…” he stuttered, still breathing fast. “Are you… are you a talking crab?!”

“Oh, here we go again with this part…” said the crustacean with a roll of his eyestalks. “Yes, I’m a giant crab that can speak, and you’re a meat bag that can state the obvious. Let’s move past that already. How did you get here?”

The boy paused for a moment, eyes drifting around at the sand around him as he tried to think. “I… I don’t know?”

“Come on, work with me here, kid. What’s the last thing you remember?”

The washed up human stood up, rubbing his forehead as he attempted to unscramble his thoughts.

“I… I remember two bright lights coming straight at me. Headlights. I think there was a… a truck?”

“Alright, you’re getting there, little steps, good job,” the crab said. “By the way… what’s a truck?”

“Oh… Oh god, why was there a commercial truck coming towards me?!”

“Commercial truck? What’s that? Can I sell it?”

“Oh my god! Did it hit me? Am I dead?! Is this the afterlife?”

Balthazar rolled his eyes again before snapping a claw at the boy to get his attention.

“Hey, kid, get a grip on yourself. Do I look like an angel to you?”

“Uh… I don’t know? I don’t think so?” the human hesitantly said.

“I’m a freaking crab, and you’re on a beach! Snap out of it before I have to do it for you! Surely you remember something more. Do you know who you are?”

“Yeah, I… I think so. I do, yes.”

“Great! Now, tell me, where did you come from? What happened there before you woke up here?”

“I… I…” the young man’s words trailed off as he seemed to struggle to think, and his eyes went distant. “I think I…”

“Yes? Go on, spit it out…” the anxious crab said, anticipation for finally uncovering some answers gnawing at him.

The boy’s brow furrowed as he searched for words to speak, and as if a haze had appeared inside his head, his eyes started going foggy.

“Hey. Hey!” exclaimed Balthazar, shaking the human’s arm. “What’s happening?! Talk to me!”

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

Suddenly, the new arrival shook his head and blinked rapidly before looking around confused, as if snapping out of a trance, his eyes back to normal.

“Huh? What’s that? What happened? Where am I?”

“You were about to tell me where you were and what happened before you got here!” said the exasperated crab.

“What happened? I don’t know, you tell me,” the other said, suddenly sounding much more casual about everything. “How did I get here?” He looked around at the beach and the sea. “Never mind that! Look at this place. It’s beautiful! Who cares where I was, I wanna know where I can go from here!”

Balthazar banged the sides of his claws against the front of his shell in frustration. “Damn it! Whatever happens to every other adventurer already got to him. Now he’s just another useless fool that can’t remember how he got here. Argh!”

The suddenly carefree boy wandered a few steps away, more concerned with looking at the seashells in the sand than whatever the crab was saying. “Ooh, a conch. Neat!”

Alright, focus, Balthazar. You came here for the scroll, and this idiot can still help you with that.

“Hey, kid, come here,” the crab called, clacking one of his pincers.

“Huh?” the aspiring adventurer said, dropping the small conch he had found and focusing on the crustacean again.

“Tell me, do you see any strange words showing up in your vision? Text floating in front of your eyes?” Balthazar asked.

“Uhhh…” the other said, rolling his eyes around as if looking for something in his sight. “...no?”

“Damn it. Alright, what about a scroll? Did you see one anywhere before you got here? Maybe you got one in your pockets, or something?”

“I don’t think so,” the boy said, turning his raggedy pockets inside out, revealing nothing but sand and one tiny dead fish.

“Bah! Things can never be easy, can they? Do you maybe have some idea, or indication of where you’d find one? Some feeling, some instinct, anything at all that could tell you where to find a certain scroll?”

“No clue,” the kid said with a shrug. “Unless you mean that shiny thing over there in the sand.”

“What?!” exclaimed Balthazar, snapping his eyes towards where the human was pointing, but seeing nothing that stood out. “Where?”

“Right there, there’s a little shiny thing blinking at me, like a small star.”

The crab could not see it, but he figured that was because he was not meant to.

“Show me!” he excitedly said, following the boy to the place he had pointed.

Reaching down, the new arrival pulled a half buried glass bottle out of the sand. Inside it was a rolled up piece of parchment.

“Oh, this is pretty neat. I wonder if it has a message!” he said, childlike curiosity in his eyes as he fiddled with the cork, trying to open it.

“Wait!” yelled the crab. “Wait, wait, wait. Don’t open it!”

Balthazar realized that, if that was a Scroll of Character Creation as he hoped, there was no telling whether that thing would be a one time use item or not, and he could not risk blowing his one opportunity.

“You can’t just go opening strange bottles you find on the beach like that. It could be dangerous. You should let me take a look at it first. For safety.”

The boy frowned slightly.

“But I found it,” he said, pulling the bottle against his chest. “It was shining for me.”

Damn it, I guess it’s gonna have to be the hard way then.

It was time for Balthazar to deploy the big guns.

Not his claws, but his merchant skills, of course.

“Well, lucky for you, I happen to be a merchant. Balthazar, the merchant crab, at your service.” He took a quick greeting bow. “And I’d be willing to pay you for it, because I’m a firm believer in fair deals, and I can see that you’re down on your luck and in need of some money.”

“But I don’t need any money.”

“I… what?” asked the incredulous crab. “Everybody needs money!”

“I’m on a beach, there’s no one else here, and no shops either,” the human said with a shrug. “What good would money do for me?”

“But that…” The crab let out a long exasperated sigh. “Right, just never mind the money. I could trade you for it.”

“Trade me what?” asked the boy, raising one eyebrow with curiosity.

“Hah! I got just the thing for you,” said Balthazar while pulling his Backpack of Holding off his shell and onto the sand.

The crab rummaged through the bag, searching for anything that suited his needs, but nothing seemed quite right, until he spotted something else on the sand and decided to improvise.

“Here we go!” the crab exclaimed, turning back around to the human with a large conch in his pincer. “A Conch of Distant Calling.”

The boy looked at the shell with interest. “It’s a pretty neat conch, but what do you mean by distant calling?”

“Ah, glad you asked, my young friend,” the merchant said. “This is no ordinary old conch. No, no, no. If you hold it up to ear, you can hear the sea.”

“But isn’t that, like… every conch?”

“Sea snail! You can hear the sea snail!” Balthazar quickly added. “You see, this shell used to belong to a weathercaster sea snail. If you hold it up to your ear you will hear the weather forecast with water temperature, wind speeds, tide information, all that good stuff, no matter where you are. It’s an invaluable item for sea loving fellas like yourself! You will always know if it’s a good idea to come down for a walk on the beach, do some surfing, or maybe even try some fishing.”

The human looked closer at the pinkish conch the crab was holding, eyes glinting at it.

“That does sound pretty neat…”

“Yeah, of course it does! Certainly way better than some crummy piece of paper in an old bottle. So, let’s make the deal, before some other inspired adventurer rolls up in here and takes it first?”

The boy giggled.

“What’s so funny?” asked the crab.

“You’re a shellfish selling seashells by the seashore.”

Balthazar let out a long sigh.

I guess that fog really rinses up their brains.

“Look, will you take the deal or not?”

The adventurer looked at the conch, then at the bottle, and then at the conch again.

“Fine, deal!” he said with a big smile, offering the bottle with one hand and taking the seashell with the other.

“Yes!” exclaimed the merchant. “Here you go, enjoy your conch, and thank you for shopping at Balthazar’s… Wandering Bazaar.”

The crab turned around, hurriedly pulling the cork off the bottle and trying to get the rolled up piece of parchment out of it.

“Hey, mister crab?” said the boy from behind. “I don’t hear any weather forecast from this.”

“Of course not,” Balthazar said without turning, his focus still on trying to fit the tip of his pincer into the bottle. “He’s a busy sea snail, he only does the announcements once per hour, on the hour. You will just have to wait for it.”

“Oh, alright… Do you sell any clocks?”

“No, now shoo, leave me alone,” the crab said, frustration getting to him as he struggled to get the scroll out. “Damn bottle!”

The boy wandered off a few steps, looking around the beach as he held the conch up to his ear and waited, while the crab resorted to giving the bottle a few vigorous shakes.

“Aha!” Balthazar exclaimed triumphantly, as the scroll finally slid out of the bottle.

He hastily picked up the tube of parchment and unrolled it, eyes wide in anticipation, which soon turned into a frown of frustrated confusion.

“What the hell is this?!”

There was nothing on the scroll. No text, no glyphs, no ominous glow or floating. Just a blank piece of yellowed out paper.

“This is worthless,” said Balthazar, flipping the scroll around a few times, looking at both sides, searching for something that just wasn’t happening. “This is as good as the junk piles of parchment I have back at the bazaar!”

While the crab cursed the blank piece of paper, Heartha’s new arrival continued wandering around the coast, looking at the seashells. “Oh, these look pretty neat.”

The crab scratched the top of his shell. He was so sure that this had to be the right scroll, yet, it didn’t seem to work. He wondered if whatever the crow had done to him really cut him off from being able to use such things, and he was truly doomed to never get his system access back.

No, I refuse to accept defeat that easily! There’s got to be something more to it!

As the crustacean fiddled with the parchment, the human in the background continued talking nonsense to himself.

“This looks cool. Like some kind of starfish…”

“What if the scroll requires some—” Balthazar’s eyestalks suddenly stood up. “Kid, don’t touch tha—”

He turned around just in time to see a killer starfish leap at the human’s face like a crab on a pie, wrapping itself around his face.

The foolish boy stumbled back, dropping his new conch and flailing his arms around in panic, muffled screams coming from behind the fleshy creature attached to him.

“Pull it off!” yelled Balthazar, as he dropped the bottle and scroll to run to the kid’s aid. “Just grab it and pull hard!”

Struggling and swinging his hands around wildly, the human was not doing himself any favors as the crab tried to help him, but was unable to reach his face as he spun around.

“Stop moving, damn it!” said the merchant, attempting to pinch the starfish while the boy thrashed around erratically.

His chest moved up and down rapidly as he struggled to breathe, increasing his panic even further.

“Breathe, kid!” shouted Balthazar. “Use your gills! Use your gills!”

Suddenly, with a muffled whimper, the boy fell backwards, immobile, starfish still firmly stuck around his face.

“Kid?” called the crab, looking at him with raised eyestalks.

Skittering next to him, Balthazar used his claw to dislodge the spongy being off, quickly tossing it far away into the water.

“Hey, you alive?” he asked, giving the adventurer’s foot a shake. “Oh… right, humans don’t have gills.”

After looking around awkwardly for a moment, the crab simply shrugged.

“Oh well, serves him right. Only a fool would go around poking strange creatures like that.”

Remembering the scroll he had dropped, Balthazar quickly made his way back to it, reaching down to pick it back up.

“Now I still gotta figure out how to use this thing on my—AH!”

The crab fell backwards as his pincer touched the parchment and it suddenly came alive with an incandescent glow.

[A new claw touches the scroll!]

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