Kill the Sun

Chapter 529 – Hands

Nick was confused.

That question had come out of nowhere.

"Why do you ask?" Nick asked, genuinely confused.

"Well," Aria said, twiddling with her fingers. "I was interested."

Nick watched her, and he could tell that she was a bit nervous.

'No way, right?' Nick asked himself in his mind.

'She knows of all the horrible things I've done.'

'She knows about all the people I have killed.'

'It can't be that she's actually interested in someone like me, right?'

Nick took a deep breath.

"Don't take this the wrong way," he said. "I might be mistaken."

"But is there a possibility that you are interested in me? Sorry if that is completely wrong," Nick spoke carefully.

Aria looked with a bit of surprise and amusement at Nick.

'Not sure if I can make it any more obvious,' Aria thought with a laugh.

"Yes, Nick," Aria said. "I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with you."

Nick blinked a couple of times in complete shock and confusion.

"But you're so amazing," he couldn't help saying. "You're so powerful, experienced, beautiful, strong, and many more things. You're probably the most radiant woman in the entire city."

"Why would you choose someone like me?" Nick asked in confusion.

Aria sighed. "You really can't see yourself for who you truly are, can you?" she asked.

Nick just looked with confusion at Aria.

"You are the most powerful Extractor for his level in probably the entire world."

"You are willing to risk your life for people with no relation to you."

"You have the courage to stand up to people who could kill you with a flick of their finger."

"You can outmaneuver the shrewdest businesspeople of the upper layer."

"In just two years, you tamed all of Crimson City and made it into an amazing place to live in."

Then, Aria playfully smirked. "Also, you're quite tall and muscular."

Naturally, that last sentence was meant more of a joke since outer appearances barely counted for anything when compared to Nick's actual qualities.

"Aria, you know why I do these things," Nick said carefully. "I'm just trying to redeem myself for what I have done in the past. In a way, I am following a selfish goal."

"Does that matter?" Aria asked. "Someone that donates 10,000 credits to the homeless every year for a tax return has done more good than someone that volunteers for a couple of hours every month to feed the homeless."

"One does it for a selfish reason, while the other does it for a selfless reason."

"In the end, if you were homeless, would you rather get one meal from one man or a hundred credits?"

Nick could see where Aria was coming from.

Actions and intentions.

This was a highly debated topic in human society.

Actions and intentions.

This was a highly debated topic in human society.

When there was a conflict between the two, opinions very quickly split.

Someone who did a lot of good for selfish reasons versus someone who did a little bit of good for selfless reasons.

Who was a better human?

Opinions varied.

"I know what you mean, but it doesn't change my personality," Nick said. "I am selfishly going after the goal to redeem myself. If I were not plagued by this guilt, I might not even help the people of the Dregs."

"Nick, you are searching for purity in actions without considering the feelings. That is impossible. Feelings are the very things that make us do things."

"Let me give you some examples."

"If I didn't selfishly want to have my daughter in my life, I wouldn't have saved her life."

"If I didn't feel good while helping others, I wouldn't help them."

"If I didn't love someone, I wouldn't do anything for them."

"Nick, feelings are the very things that make us do things. The fact that you feel guilty shows that you're not a bad person. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel guilty, right?" Aria asked.

Nick furrowed his brows.

Aria's logic was sound, but it was difficult to accept.

In the end, Nick shook his head. "I still don't get it. Why are you interested in me?"

"Are you fishing for compliments?" Aria asked with a raised brow.

"What? No! I'm just genuinely confused," Nick quickly answered.

"I gave you several reasons," Aria said. "Do you want me to repeat them?"

"No, that's not necessary," Nick said as he thought back to the reasons Aria had named.

The way Aria had portrayed Nick made him feel like she wasn't talking about him.

That wasn't him.

Yet, Aria didn't lie.

Everything she said was technically true.

"I don't know," Nick said with a sigh. "In three years, I'm most likely going to leave the city again, and I don't know when I can return."

"So?" Aria asked. "It's not like you will be gone forever. I'm sure that you can travel to Crimson City a couple of times per year. Additionally, I might get an opportunity to become an Agent in a couple of years, which gives me much more leeway to travel around. If you can't leave your new city, I can just visit you."

Nick seemingly became more nervous as he looked at Aria.

"Nick," Aria said with a frown. "This also isn't easy for me. You're keeping me in limbo. It would be nice to get a definite answer."

"Oh, sorry," Nick said, looking away.

Aria just kept looking at Nick.

Nick had always seemed filled with conviction and power.

But right now, he seemed so insecure and uncertain.

After a while, Nick sighed again.

"I'm not experienced with these kinds of feelings," Nick said. "I'm not sure how to process them."

"I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone as wonderful as you. I have done so many horrible things, and there shouldn't be anyone in this world who would want to be my friend."

"Yet, you know all about the horrible things I've done, and you still say that you want to be with me."

"It's difficult for me to wrap my mind around this."

Nick sighed again as he looked at Aria.

"I feel like you're a strong fire. I want to feel your warmth, but I'm afraid that I will burn into nothingness if I come too close."

Nick felt like the insides of his chest were shaking under stress.

Guilt, self-loathing, hatred, anger…

All these feelings bubbled to the surface, and Nick was doing his best to keep them in check.

Feeling these things was bad.

Whenever he felt these things, his motivation would vanish, and he couldn't work on achieving his goal.

He would just sit in a room all day and stare against the wall.

He didn't want to go back to doing that.

Suddenly, something touched Nick's hand, and he pulled it back.

Aria looked at Nick and slowly moved her hand closer again.

As Aria's hand touched Nick's shoulder, Nick felt his body shivering.

It felt bad.

It felt dangerous.

Aria noticed Nick's emotions and pulled her hand back.

"So, I guess that's a no then," she said.

When Nick heard that, he became even more afraid.

"No, no, no!" Nick quickly said. "It's not a no!"

The thought of hurting Aria's feelings hurt Nick.

"I'm…" Nick said before trailing off.

"I don't know. Sorry. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I'm not even sure if this is real," Nick said with a defeated voice. "Let me ask you again," Aria said slowly. "And this time, I want a concrete answer. Yes or no."

"Do you want to be with me?"

Nick looked at Aria.

It was so difficult to answer.

He felt like he shouldn't.

But he really wanted to.

He wanted to feel something other than all this crushing guilt and self-loathing.

He wanted some color in his life.

But he didn't deserve any color.

But he wanted color.

But he didn't deserve it.

But he wanted it.

Nick gritted his teeth.

"I'm sorry," Nick said.

Aria's face slightly fell.

"But I really, really want to be with you," he said.

Aria looked with surprise at Nick.

That was a yes, right?

Meanwhile, Nick felt like he had lost all of his conviction.

He felt like he had failed in achieving his goal by giving in to pleasure.

'I'm such a selfish person,' Nick thought.

Nick felt something touching his hand again, but this time, Aria's hand clamped down and kept Nick's hand in her own.

"You gave consent," Aria said with a careful voice.

Nick became nervous.

He was not familiar with any of this.

"Eh, yes," Nick said.

Aria smiled, and the next moment, she sat down beside Nick and just held his hand.

"Then, how about we just sit like this for a while?" she asked.

Nick's nervousness lessened but didn't fully vanish.

"Sure," he answered.

Nick tried to avoid looking at Aria, who just kept staring at him with a smile.

"Is this so bad?" Aria asked after a minute of silence.

Nick looked back at her.

"No."

The two of them continued sitting together.

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