Chapter 120: If I Embrace You Now (4)
....................Bell...?
She couldnt remember the last time she had called out that nickname.
It was the most endearing word that slipped through her lips.
Sien was struggling to hold back her tears.
This unbelievable situation was beyond comprehension.
But if this man wasnt Berg... then who could he possibly be?
She didnt understand why he was here, or how...
...but Sien was certain she could never mistake Berg.
Even if he was far away, she could always recognize him.
Even hidden among hundreds of people, it was the same.
She could easily find Berg.
Even without seeing his face, from his back, his side profile, or even by his aura and the way he walked...
She could always recognize Berg.
It wasnt that she wouldnt recognize him just because he didnt look up or he sat in the dark.
Was she dreaming?
Siens heart, racing fiercely, refused to calm down.
....Bell... is it you...?
Tears streamed down her cheeks.
Her shoulders began to tremble uncontrollably.
Her world sat there before her.
Her childhood friend, who grew up with her, who hugged her, protected her, and whispered love, was right there.
...Huh... speak to me...
....I didnt want to say this...
The man sitting in the darkness quietly opened his mouth.
That familiar voice.
He lifted his head.
The dim moonlight illuminated his face.
...Youre still beautiful.
It was Berg.
There was no doubt about it.
But instead of joy, a greater shock enveloped her first.
- Thump...
Sien covered her mouth with her hand.
Numerous, numerous scars crossed the face of the man she loved.
Especially a deep gash on his cheek.
Scars that seemed to have been scratched and healed hundreds of times covered his face.
Berg had always lived a rough life, but this was something else.
Scars that couldnt have been there if he hadnt been constantly fighting.
Aah... Aah...
Sien could no longer hold back her tears at the sight of his face.
The reunion that should have been filled with joy was instead filled with perplexity and sorrow.
Why was he so badly hurt?
What had happened all this time?
....Have you been well?
He asked with a brief smile, containing a trace of anger and annoyance.
It felt like he was holding back his emotions.
Then he spoke.
...Its been a bit tough for me.
Sien, trembling, covered her face with her hands.
....Bell....
She kept repeating that name.
Upon meeting him, the words she most wanted to say were that she missed him.
That she missed him to death, that she felt like going crazy from longing.
But plans always seemed to go awry.
The first thing she said wasnt anything like that.
Why are there so many scars?
...
Her fate had not yet concluded.
She was still in a situation where she had to push Berg away.
But perhaps too much time had passed for that.
Maybe because she missed Berg too much.
Or perhaps because she was too exhausted to stand.
She no longer had the strength to push him away.
Berg too, as if trying to calm his emotions, let out a long, laborious sigh.
Then he spoke.
...Because I became a mercenary.
.............
At those words, Siens heart turned cold.
Even her tears seemed to freeze.
She stared blankly at Berg.
There was not a hint of deceit in Bergs eyes as he spoke those words.
...What?
...
A mercenary.
What was he talking about?
Her heart felt like it was sinking into the ground.
She had heard he was living as a farmer.
What did he mean by becoming a mercenary?
...Thats...
Their long-awaited reunion kept veering into negative territory.
Sien, without realizing it, raised her voice.
What do you mean... a mercenary?
Its exactly as I said.
Sien hesitated before speaking.
She couldnt think of anything else to say.
You... you werent supposed to become a mercenary-
-How dare you...!
Berg raised his voice for the first time.
Siens brief words seemed to have touched a nerve.
His emotions flared up instantly.
It was like setting fire to a cloth soaked in oil.
His eyes began to stare directly at Sien.
Anger started to smolder in his gaze.
...Dare not bring up our past promises...!
It was as if he was saying not to taint the memories that were once pure.
....
After a moment of silence, he spoke again, more calmly.
...You were the one who broke them.
His voice was calm, but his fists were clenched tightly.
Even as he spoke, it was evident that he was struggling.
Sien couldnt figure out how to respond to him.
It was a meeting she had longed for, but perhaps she wasnt prepared for it.
Her mind went blank.
Berg being angry with her was too unfamiliar.
She knew he would be angry, but facing it was harder than she imagined.
Sien extended her hand, then pulled it back.
She resisted the urge to embrace him even now.
They used to resolve their small fights with hugs.
But now, it was different.
Berg was still untouchable.
She tried hard to keep her composure.
....Ha.
Berg sighed.
Feeling the rawness of his wounds made Siens heart grow colder.
Even in such a situation, he seemed to be restraining himself.
...Lets just have a pleasant conversation and part ways.
She expected him to be angry.
But she hadnt anticipated such coldness.
She missed him, so why suggest parting ways already?
She knew they couldnt be together yet... but why wasnt he showing any regret?
....
Regardless, for Sien, the topic of him being a mercenary was the priority.
She couldnt give up on this particular matter.
Perhaps it was because she had experienced the horrors of war firsthand.
She couldnt stand the thought of him being in such a dangerous place.
Her sacrifices over the past seven years werent for Berg to roll in the throes of war.
Her choice to volunteer here and there, without anyones help, was rooted in her hope for Bergs safety.
...First and foremost, before anything else... its not too late, Bell... even now... if you quit being a mercenary...
...Who are you to say that?
Berg asked coldly.
This was the complete opposite of his earlier demeanor when he had called her beautiful.
It was as if his patience had finally run out.
................What?
Siens foundation was shaken by his words that seemed to deny their entire relationship.
Again, she was unable to respond to Bergs brief statement.
She couldnt believe he had spoken to her with such coldness.
There were declarations she had made to him.
Wounds she had inflicted.
They were not sincere, yet unresolved.
It was she who had suggested ending their relationship.
She hadnt anticipated, selfishly, that Berg would become so cold.
Her heart felt as if it was being torn apart.
....What?
This was the first time she had heard such words from him.
And, foolishly, all she could do was repeat her earlier statement.
Berg asked the same question again.
Who are you... to try and shake me up like before.
................
Who are you to worry about me.
Sien blinked silently.
...Was this a nightmare?
But no nightmare had ever been this dreadful.
She had planned to appear before Berg, now a farmer living a peaceful life alone, and offer everything she could while begging for forgiveness until he accepted.
But Berg wasnt a farmer; he was a mercenary.
And he seemed completely unwilling to listen to her.
He was denying their entire relationship.
Sien murmured with difficulty.
...I... I am...
There was no doubt she was at a loss for words... but she didnt want to deny all their memories either.
She fondled the bright memories of the past.
Should she call him her childhood friend, with whom she used to run through the streets?
Or her lover, with whom she felt complete just by being together.
...Perhaps should she call it love?
She tried to recall the days when they spoke of love under the gentle sunlight.
...We were...
Were over, Berg said coldly, cutting her off.
Siens vision blurred.
The brightness of the memories she imagined faded.
It felt like descending into the cold reality.
She had endured everything for the dream of being with Berg.
No matter how tough it was, how dirty the situations, or how unjust, she had persevered.
But being pushed away like this... it was a bit, no, a lot to bear.
...You ended it.
Berg reaffirmed with his words.
...
Sure, she had uttered those words.
But she had thought he knew they werent sincere.
She believed he understood why she did it.
Their relationship wasnt something that could just be ended on a whim.
It was a relationship where having each other was all that mattered.
...It was just a temporary separation....
....What?
Sien hesitated.
In any other relationship, this would have been nonsense.
But this was her relationship with Berg.
It was as special as it was poignant.
Thus, she found herself speaking.
She no longer had the strength to push him away, to bear his resentment.
...What are you talking about?
Sien finally asked Berg with a dazed look.
She didnt even understand what she was saying.
It was the complete opposite of what she had hoped for in the past, but it had always been a lie.
Berg knew her habits when she lied, didnt he?
He must have known she was pushing him away with falsehoods.
...Why would we be over...?
So she murmured weakly.
This was why she hadnt sought him out.
Still maintaining the lie, fearing she might utter contradictory words.
How could we be over...?
At the same time, she couldnt understand how Berg could say something so absurd.
It was selfish and messy, but more than that, she couldnt believe their relationship was over.
There couldnt be anyone more important to each of them than each other.
It was a truth forged since their childhood.
They had seen each others pain and joy.
He was the first friend she made when she was lost in the slums.
Her best friend, who protected her when she lost her parents.
The knight who fought for her when she was bullied in the orphanage.
And naturally, he became her first love.
With such deep and enduring memories, how could it possibly be over?
Even when the storms of the world hit, that bond doesnt change.
No matter how much you try to cover the sun with your hand, it doesnt get hidden.
We were just... temporarily separated...
- Bang!
Berg stood up abruptly, hurling the chair he was sitting on against the wall.
He finally shouted at Sien.
Anger burst forth.
You left me! You abandoned me!!
No, I didnt leave you...! Sien cried out, equally enraged.
Tears began to flow like a dam had broken.
Bell...! You know... I left for you...!
For me!?
Berg pounded his chest, exclaiming loudly.
How is that for me!
Sien, wiping her tears roughly, countered his words.
I told you...! Hea-nim showed me the future...! I saw you dying... how could I not leave!
Berg laughed bitterly.
You still dont understand...?
.....Bell....!
How am I supposed to know your true feelings! Whether you left me as an excuse, or if it really was for me, how can I know that!!
....Bell...!!
You left as if you would never return! And now you come back with such words!
Sien, overwhelmed, raised her voice, sobbing.
If you followed me...! and if you died... what am I supposed to do then, Bell?
Her greatest fear.
Bergs death.
There was nothing more terrifying.
Even putting aside the fact that they shouldnt be together, Berg shouldnt follow her because of that fear.
She tried to control her trembling breaths caused by tears.
I waited for you...! But if I had died... then what about you?
It was something that shouldnt have been waited for.
Berg would follow her in death.
Was it so wrong to hope that her treasure remained safe?
Berg smirked.
...I would have just died with you.
...........
At that answer, Siens mind went blank.
Such a straightforward response.
Sien finally felt what he had been longing for.
Realizing far too late.
How much he had loved her... she felt it anew.
He who had loved her, a mere orphan with nothing.
Berg laughed as if it was absurd.
You... after all this, you dreamt of a future with me?
His response to her belief that it wasnt over.
You didnt even give me a chance to dream...?
..........Bell...
Bergs angry face turned to one of pain.
...If you had just asked me to wait... I would have...
Sien eventually lowered her gaze slowly.
She too, in truth, was realizing it belatedly.
She had made excuses for her choice... but often wished she had made a different decision.
The wrong choices made in her youth.
Sien wiped her tears again with her arms.
Rubbing her face against the dirty hem of her dress.
It was clear that things hadnt gone as she had thought.
But even that could be rectified.
She tried to change the atmosphere.
....Bell. Even so... we can start making it right from now on, cant we...?
Berg shook his head.
Sien, trying to ignore his gesture, said,
I was young too... Im sorry... I was wrong... But I did everything only for you until now...
Again, Berg shook his head.
...Its too late.
Its not too late. Just wait a little longer, the war will end...! We cant embrace each other yet... but I still love you....
Siens voice, about to rise in frustration, froze in a moment.
Berg, the mercenary from the Human race.
A figure she seemed to have heard of before.
She belatedly realizes this fact.
A pain as if her whole body was being wrung out overwhelmed her.
...................What?
Her eyes found Bergs hand.
She noticed a ring on his ring finger.
Her vision blurred at the sight of that ring.
...I waited for you for 7 years.
Berg said.
It seemed like he was finally revealing his true feelings.
Not just 3 years or 4... but 7 years.
His hand briefly touched his eyes.
That ring signified that their relationship was now a thing of the past.
In case you would come back to me. In case you would look for me.
...
...Its too late now.
Siens mouth hung open, unable to close.
She couldnt accept the reality unfolding before her.
Berg was her sun and moon.
He had been her support since childhood.
He had always been at the center of all her memories, and his presence in her life felt like a miracle.
Every moment with him was blissful.
Who knew Berg better than herself?
Who knew him better than Berg?
Was he, whispering love to another woman?
...You have a lover...?
Sien asked, trying to soften the blow,
I have a wife. Shes here with me.
Berg delivered a precise and cruel response.
All the promises about the future she had made with Berg.
She had thought those shattered dreams could be pieced back together someday.
Sien trembled, her eyes vacant, shedding tears.
Blinking, she couldnt utter a word.
She had wanted to show only her best to Berg, but here she was.
.....It hurts... Bell...
She muttered blankly.
The information she had heard at the church differed too much from the reality.
It was all the more unbelievable and painful.
So dont go shaking my wives for nothing.
But Berg spoke as if he was determined to protect his wives from her.
My... My heart hurts too much... Stop joking around, please...
Sien couldnt comprehend his words.
Wives... what did he mean by that?
Wasnt a wife supposed to mean the most precious person?
Wasnt she the one Berg cherished the most?
He had always looked only at her.
I just want to live quietly while Im here... and then pass away.
....Bell, you said you loved me... for... for a lifetime... sob...
...I want to part with you for the last time.
Part? What are you talking about!!!
Sien screamed, feeling like her heart was being torn apart.
But that was it.
Berg turned away.
As Sien tried to follow his movement, she lost her balance and slid off the bed.
- Thump!
Be...Bell...!
Even that childish nickname Bell, let it go now.
Siens eyes trembled like quivering aspen leaves.
He had loved being called Bell.
Still, the word Bell filled her with indescribable emotions.
Sien closed her eyes tightly and shouted.
You still love me the most!! There cant be anyone you love more than me!!
...
Berg did not respond.
Instead, he let out a short sigh, as if spitting out a curse.
This was a gesture he showed when doing something against his will.
Even after 7 years, Sien hadnt forgotten this.
Knowing it was a forced action, why did it hurt so much?
........If you really care about me, then please act like you dont know me.
How could the most precious relationship become one of strangers?
Sien couldnt understand it with her mind.
But Berg did not answer.
- Creak... Thump.
He closed the door and stepped outside.
The reunion ended coldly and briefly.
He left, asking her not to acknowledge him.
As if that was all he had to say to her.
Sien remained frozen in the room, extending her hand towards the direction Berg had disappeared.
She couldnt digest all that had happened.
.....
This surreal pain was incomprehensible.
She had come running, seeing only Berg.
She had endured, focusing solely on Berg.
But that Berg had left her.
This was the first time she felt so utterly alone.
In her ideal world, Berg had thanked her.
She was forgiven for those cruel parting words, praised for fighting the demon king for him, and embraced for her sacrifices.
And then they resumed their happy life as before.
But the reality was this cruel twist.
....Its a lie, isnt it...?
She murmured with a bitter chuckle.
...Its all... just a dream, right...?
She finally understood the pain Berg had felt.
The agony of being abandoned.
Even knowing it wasnt sincere, the despair was of a different kind.
...Ah... Ah...
Had he been gasping in this kind of pain?
With hope gone, there seemed no reason to go on with life.
She understood why he was angry with her.
She could clearly see what her fear had been.
It wasnt Bergs death she had feared.
...It was the fear of not being with Berg that terrified her the most.
...Why did she fear dying together?
If one was not by the others side, it was no different than death itself.
Ah.... Ahh....
She collapsed weakly to the floor.
Continuously denying this unbelievable reality.
But she didnt know that her hell was perhaps just beginning.
The End of The Chapter
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