Chapter 47 - Her Past Loneliness
"Continue our talk, Jerlina..."
Jerlina took in a deep breath. She didn't know why she said what she said. She made a plan to pretend to believe him and she can't even follow through with it.
She stayed silent and gathered her thoughts. She was scared to have him in the room when just some minutes ago he tried to hurt her.
And that's why when she saw his legs leaving her bedside, she was relieved. But then the room turned bright and he came to her bedside once again.
Crouching down, he looked at her and she scooted to the far end of the bed.
"I'm sorry..." he sighed. "Jerlina, please... Don't be scared. I just want to talk to you. Can you come out? I don't like it... I have cleithrophobia..."
"Cleithrophobia?" Jerlina gulped. She knew it is the fear of getting trapped in small spaces and if he is feeling phobic now, she wondered if he is planning on getting in.
But if his condition is serious, isn't this place the safest place on earth for her?
"I'll stay here, thanks..." she said, clearing her voice.
"You... the floor is hard and how long are you planning to stay there?" he admonished her like a parent.
Jerlina pouted and didn't answer. She didn't know why she feels like she did wrong when he used that tone on her.
Jeremy started sweating seeing her under there. He was diagnosed with cleithrophobia when he was eleven, after that incident. He had it under control after getting treatment, but he didn't understand why it returned and that too when he is not the one in a small space.
"Here, at least use this..." he bent and passed her a pillow and the soft duvet. He didn't want her to be in discomfort. He didn't think of leaving, since he wanted to talk to her and clear her fear. He didn't want her to be in fear when she is living with him.
He was desperate!
Jerlina could see his forehead perspiring and he struggled to even get his hand under the bed. She got the pillow from his hand as he was still holding it although he looked uncomfortable. He looked panicked. She accidentally grazed his hand and it was chilly and shaking.
"TJ, are you okay?" she asked seeing him holding his chest and he started panting sliding away from the bed.
"Get out, you'll get trapped there!" he shouted at her, and Jerlina's heart skipped a beat. "If you stay there, you'll die... Get out!"
His voice started to tremble. It seemed like he wanted to run away, but he was staying back to "protect" her from the dangerous comfort of an enclosed place.
She feels safe in these kinds of constricted places; especially under the bed and she couldn't understand why he was panicking on her behalf.
"I am fine, TJ," she tried to speak, but his paranoia – if she could call his state that, worsened. He shouted at her to get out and she didn't think he was acting. Her voice didn't seem to reach him and he was full-on panic mode.
"TJ!" she crawled out. She got more worried for him than being scared of him.
The moment she got out, she was pulled into his embrace. Her hands were pressed against his chest and his trembling hands were around her back as his warm breath fell on her neck.
"I'm fine, TJ! Let go!" she pushed him away. She didn't like to be in his embrace. But she understood he is not doing this on purpose. He truly is having a panic attack.
"I am fine, see..." she tried to speak in a soothing voice mainly to get out of his embrace. "TJ..?"
"You cannot die... You will not leave me... Luna, my Luna... You should live well..."
He mumbled as his hold tightened. Jerlina's heart skipped a beat.
Luna... That name again... Didn't Babyface Bobby call me Madam Luna? What is that about? Don't tell me...
"TJ!" she tried to get out of his hold. But her voice didn't reach him. Like a constricting python, his arms got around her making it hard for her to breathe. And she could feel his temperature rising.
Don't tell me he got turned on!
"JOEL!!!" she pushed his chest as hard as she could. She didn't want to call him 'Jerry' and she used his middle name. "You are making it hard for me to breathe. Let go, I am fine," she tried to speak in a gentle tone. "I am fine. Calm down..."
She could feel his hold loosening and she immediately scooted away from him and got closer to the bed. She didn't crawl under the bed but was ready to do so if he made a move.
She felt pitiful seeing his pale face and his eyes were reddened. His lip looked parched and she got up and poured some water for him.
"Here," she gave him the glass and his hands were shaking still. Knowing that he'd drop the glass, she placed the glass near his lips, "Have some," she made sure he finished the entire glass.
Maybe because he got composed, he slowly moved away from her and sat leaning on the wall.
Jerlina carefully sat on the floor, leaning on the bed. She wondered if she should call for his men to get him the help he needs, but it looked like he had calmed down.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked, to break the stifling silence.
"I'm sorry I scared you-"
"I don't need your apology, TJ. You're clearly-" she took in a deep breath. "I like staying under the bed... I mean, I used to like staying under the bed when I was little..." She sighed.
She didn't know why, but lately, memories from her childhood are returning. Most are not good and she opened up, to make him open up. She was scared if he'd do something regretful. She hated him but she didn't want him to hurt himself.
"Monsters Inc. .. Do you know the Disney movie?" she asked and he looked back at her confused. "It was the last movie I watched with my dad. It is about some monsters... good monsters – boogyman, I think... It's been a long time and I forgot the exact details...He took me to the theatre and we had a large popcorn and...After watching that movie my dad bought me ice cream and told me that he's going to bring me a mother and a little sister. It is surprising I still remember it vividly... I wanted a chocolate chip ice cream but it was not available and I settled for a strawberry one..."
She looked at him and his eyes were a little clear although they were puffy. She continued her embarrassing story, "Anyways... after Gina and her mother came to live in our house, I was ignored. My dad stopped calling me 'Little Lady Linny', I stopped getting a warm glass of milk before bed, dad stopped reading me bedtime stories and giving me goodnight kisses... I felt alone in my house and I'd get under the bed and wait for the boogyman to come."
"You weren't scared of the boogyman?" he asked with his eyes wide.
"No," Jerlina chuckled. "I wanted to make friends with the boogyman. I wanted Sullivan to come to my bedroom because he was big, furry, and cuddly..."
She rubbed her face realizing how stupid she had been in the past. And stupid now. This guy tried to violate her some time ago and acted hysterically just minutes ago and here she is... telling him her childhood embarrassing stories.
Stupid! Stupid!
"I didn't have cleithrophobia until ..." he broke the silence and she looked at him. His lips were pressed and he was tightly interlocking his fingers.
"I was kidnapped when I was ten and they shipped us across the ocean... We were packed like sardines in wooden crates. There were ten of us... all boys... Mikhail..." he nodded. "I met Mikhail and his brother Alexei there..."
He gulped and Jerlina could see his eyes reddening once more. She should say his story is far worse than her story.
Kidnapped? Shipped? And Mikhail..? Mikhail Volkonsky? He has a brother?
"Kidnapped for ransom?" she asked as he went silent.
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