Dragonborn Saga

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Back at Earil’s shop, Isha and I sat on a table facing each other.

"Out of all people someone can be friends with, you have the weirdest collection so far! Let’s see... a talking cat, a Homicidal Time Mage and the Daedric Prince of Madness. Are you trying to drive me insane here?"

"Me? I am very innocent, believe me. First off, Earil is a helpful guy... despite his peculiar taste in things. Seriously, man, STOP TAKING SELFIES!"

"Oh... it is exciting... too many moments I need to capture. Photomancy is the best. I’ll capture all the moments I can... then I’ll capture time itself. WAHAHAHA!"

"... Okay, Earil is shit but at least he let us use his basement..."

"..." Isha was glaring at me.

"Fine, I’ll do something about those dangling tortured people."

"What about the Mad God?"

"He is a great guy. Cheerful but moody, too moody for my taste but he is a very deep person. If you listen carefully to all that nonsense he utters, you will find there are wisdom and secret knowledge coated in his untasteful jokes of how he will gut everyone like fishes and make decorations with their entrails."

"... Yeah, whatever... Then what about your friend?"

"Jon should be El Diablo now, some sort of a brainwashed warrior that leads the horde of the Kurkurs to the festival. Something Sheogorath came up with for sure."

"Putting El Diablo aside, you know that my Labour is to stop El Diablo, right? Won’t that be a conflict of interest between us?" Isha said nervously.

"Well, you don’t need to be such a muscle-headed person." I said.

"Excuse me?"

"I am saying, stopping El Diablo shouldn’t mean that you must kill Jon. We can just exorcize whatever that El Diablo is, I am sure it is a Daedra that possesses Jon."

"... Fine. It makes sense... by the way, what are the Kurkurs?" Isha asked.

"Well, that’s something new even for me. Haskill said that the Kurkurs are those bird-like humanoids we killed on our way to New Sheoth."

"Oh! Such strange creatures they are."

"You are right."

Those [Kurkurs] didn’t appear at the game or even come from a mod. They were white or red feathered humanoids with bird heads and wings instead of arms that can’t fly, their weapons are the long beaks they have and the bird’s legs with sharp talons. That all can put aside compared to how insane their eyes look.

"Do you think Sheogorath will hand your friend quietly?"

"No, I don’t think he will. He wants me to make a new Gatekeeper for his own convenience. He wants to eat my enchanted cheese because... well, he is obsessed with cheese. And finally, he wants me to entertain him, this is a tricky one, the Lord of Madness is all about manipulating mortal for no reason whatsoever other than what he calls fun, I doubt that he even know the reasons behind his actions himself but let’s not focus on that... whatever surprises the Mad God should be something otherworldly and I know just the person."

"Who?"

"That’s classified. But let’s finish that Gatekeeper we are making first. It is going to need a lot of work."

"Yes, filthy business."

In front of us, in the large basement beneath [Earil’s Mysteries], there were many corpses of various monsters lying around. I didn’t hunt all that by myself but as the wielder of the [Wabbajack], I went around and told the Dark Seducers of Dementia to help me gather a few things to make a gift for Lord Sheogorath. Still, if not for Haskill giving them the order to follow me, I would have to whack them around with the staff.

Speaking of which, Sheogorath took back the [Fork of Horripilation] and the [Staff of Sheogorath] and gave me the [Wabbajack].

The [Wabbajack] is a Daedric staff engraved with angry gaping faces at the top. Its effect is... how to say this? It is completely unpredictable and it can’t be used to cast normal Magic either. Each spell cast from the staff can either kill the target by any magical effect ever know, buff the target by any magical buff ever known, or transform the target to anything from a harmless cockroach to a mighty Dremora Lord.

Why the gamble then?

Why not!

Anyway, back to the work at hand. I put the [Wabbajack] aside and transformed [Greed] to act as my hands rather than a long trench coat.

"Wow! Krilon, what is that?" Isha witnessed [Greed] in action for the first time.

"Something I love to keep close all the time."

The clothes I was wearing under [Greed] were expensive clothes for the Battle-Born Wedding so I didn’t want to dirty them during the journey but I had to change them in the [Cube] before I enter this slaughterhouse.

The corpses in front of me all gathered by the hardworking masses of the Dark Seducers. They were large [Skinned Hounds] which are undead hounds whose name describe perfectly, some [Scalons] which are aquatic humanoids that carry strong diseases in their scales, and finally, we brought some poisonous fangs of the [Elytras], the gigantic and very poisonous mantis-ant crossover native to the isles.

Protecting myself and Isha with magic, we picked the largest three [Hulking Skinned Hounds], one of those things is at least three meters in height. We cut their heads and their bodies evenly and started putting them back together in the shape I wanted. We then skinned the [Scalons] and used their skin to cover the creature we put together. Of course, the fangs of the [Elytra] were added to the mix.

The result was a perfect mix of madness and otherworldly fantasy.

"What do you think?" I asked Isha.

"... Seriously, man. Who are you?"

"Bwahahahaha!"

***

"I present to you..."

*Drum sounds made by [Bardic Knowledge]*

"... [Cerberus]!"

*ClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClap*

"Genius! HAHAHA! Amazing! Marvelous job, mortal. Haskill, look! You completely lost the bet, wahaha! A three-headed hound covered with the hazardous skin of the Scalons and armed with the poisonous fangs of the Elytras. Hehe! That’s why I love mortals. So creative!"

The [Cerberus] I created was as mighty as Sheogorath described. It was something that made me so envious and regretful I didn’t make a copy of.

"Good, this [Cerberus] will be your Gatekeeper then."

I passed the Staff that controls the [Cerberus] to Sheogorath.

"Oh! Thank you... you made my heart quiver madly, Mortal. I love it, but... it makes me wonder, you are the creator of that mighty [Cerberus], does that mean that this beast can defeat you?" Sheogorath gave off an evil grin.

"You..." Isha face turned pale as she looked at Sheogorath with angry expressions.

I am sure being screwed over in such a way especially after creating a magnum opus like the [Cerberus]. Many kings killed their best architectures after creating impenetrable palaces for them... but that the Mad God I am dealing with.

"I guess there is only one way to find out, right?" I said.

"Oh! Really? Fine, get ’em, boy." Sheogorath signaled for [Cerberus] to attack us.

The large three headed black dog glared at me with its red eyes and jumped towards me... or it was supposed to do so!

"Sit!"

With one word from me, it sat down shaking its three idiotic heads left and right.

In my hand, I was holding a medallion and made it dangle left and right, the three heads of the [Cerberus] were following it with utter confusion as its three heads were struggling to focus on the medallion at the same time causing the [Cerberus] to stop the attack mode.

"..." Sheogorath kept looking at the weird situation.

"Dogs! A flaw of creation in my opinion. If I really wanted to give you a beast that can’t be conquered, I would have given you a cat. One single cat stationed at the [Gates of Madness] is enough to stop a whole army of adventurers in my opinion."

"... You know what mortal, next time I go on a holiday, I will take you with me to ride narwhales in the ocean and you will ride at the front. Consider it my revenge for this one when the times comes."

"Perfect. Looking forward to it." I said, "Now, Haskill, point me to your kitchen."

"This way."

***

"Mortal, what is that?"

"Esteemed Mad God, let me introduce you to the following dishes that will blow your mind if you have any... first off, the Margherita Pizza, the mother of all pizzas may God save the Queen. This piece of classic art has a thin crust, fresh tomato sauce, Enchanted Mozzarella cheese, and a few leaves of basil."

I pointed to the next plate.

"Pepperoni Pizza, America’s favorite. Back at my home country, if you love that pizza then you are a western spy but still, everyone ate it in secret. It has my secret recipe of pepperoni that uses only top quality beef. All that grace hammered with a thick layer of enchanted gooey cheese."

The next plate.

"Here comes the beast, the Grilled Chicken Pizza for chicken lovers like us. Made with BBQ sauce, chicken, cilantro, red onions, and enchanted fontina cheese."

Comes at number four.

"My mama’s personal recipe, Extra Mozzarella, Extra Turkish Cheese, green pepper and verity of olive. Smells like home and feels like love. Of course, it is all enchanted."

The last plate.

"This is my own recipe, something I came up with back when I was trapped with two homicidal perverted roommates in the 13th floor of a residential cheap building. The Pizza Loaf. Good for taking away, good for a picnic, good for work, good for school, and even good for a Daedric Prince. The Pizza that can survive the apocalypse in your pocket just for you to take it out and have a quick bite while slaying a dragon or rescuing a damsel. Of course, the cheese! Ah! To die for."

The five plates were made with the best resources I had either in the cube or at the kitchen of the Mad God. It was one interesting kitchen to tell the truth.

Anyway, the Mad Sheogorath I am used to was no more. He turned from the made cheerful buffoon to an expert appraiser of food, a gourmet of madness if I picked the words right.

"... Haskill..."

"Yes, Lord Sheogorath."

"Hold this one for me."

Sheogorath picked up a pizza slice and handed it to Haskill, he then bit on its tip and started to walk backward.

Looks like he figured out how the enchanted cheese works.

The mozzarella cheese started to stretch with Sheogorath as he walked backward. The more he walks back, the more it stretches.

"Guards!"

Haskill signaled and the Seducers and Saints around the throne room started to support the string of cheese that kept stretching with Sheogorath.

"Goodness!" Isha eyes almost popped out of their sockets by the sight of my elongated gooey cheese. Even Sheogorath who almost reached the front yard of the palace didn’t reach the limit yet.

"Well, good luck." I took a chair on the dining table and took a slice while sneaking another to my shadow. My secret agent should be hungry after this long day of hard work.

***

"Mortal, I am flabbergast!"

"Jon play your turn already."

"A Resurrection Card! HAHA! The Deck of the Shivering Isles is indeed the best. You wouldn’t know what happen next."

"Yes I know, I designed it to be a chaotic but powerful deck."

"You never seized to surprise me, Mortal. You know... you remind me of myself back in the day, oh! The foolery of youth. Back then, everyone looked so ugly... and rounded. Crazy times! Old Dagon is having a grudge on me ever since."

"A spy card! To your face, Mad God."

"Humph! You think this spy card tactic will always work for you? Behold! The Everscamp Card!"

"God Card! Kyne, I choose you."

"Dirty schemer. Haskill, down with it."

"Yes, Lord Sheogorath?"

"No, I was calling the Haskill Card!"

"Oh... I see."

"Pssst, Mad God. Why does Haskill look so down?"

"Oh! Between you and me, he doesn’t feel well appreciated if I don’t give him work for four hours straight. Ohhh! And I win this round!"

"Seriously! Is this game going to end?"

"Nope, don’t forget our condition. You have to win three matches straight for me to be fully entertained."

"Fine... Hey, which Daedric Prince do you detest the most?"

"Hmmm, I don’t really hate anyone of them in particular." Sheogorath started thinking, "I always tease Peryite till he blows up. Dagon is still stingy with me. Hircine is also holding a grudge when my beasts beat his once and he lost his favored spear to me for a few hundred years. Molag used to come and play but ever since I’ve beaten Vaermina and showed her nightmares she couldn’t handle he stopped coming. Azura, Boethiah and Mephalah are not really appreciative to my work, I call them the boring three. The rest are not much better... Oh! Almost forgot, Malacath."

"What’s with you and him?"

"Pffft! I mean, HAVE you seen his realm? Nasty place if you ask me. Well, at least he is popular at parties. Every Daedric Prince makes fun of him even that skinny Peryite has his fair share of fun with Malacath."

"What about you?"

"Me? I mate him eat his damn son once. HAHAHA! It was hilarious. You should’ve seen his face. Even that high and mighty Meridia made fun of him."

"Oh, you bad bully Daedric Princes hating on little poor Malacath!" I couldn’t help but copy her voice from the game.

"Wahaha! Exactly! Then she spilled a pile of dung on him saying this will make another little Malacath grow."

"Gross!"

[A/n: Malacath was created from dung. It happened when Trinimac fought Boethiah and the latter ate Trinimac and literally shitting him turning him into Malacath and his worshippers into Orcs. Nasty piece of lore.]

"Oh, what a game! It has been so long since we had guests, right, Haskill? You would have loved my old Uncle Leo, back in the day. Charming dinner conversation, when he wasn’t bringing up old girlfriends... Literally! Regurgitating them. Nasty habit!"

"Can you stop bringing up gross stuff?"

"Wahaha! Why not? I am pretty much entertained... wait! I am... entertained!"

"..."

"Yes, we made it."

"YES!"

At last! Oh! That was too much for one lifetime. I admit it, Sheogorath was too much for my head to handle. He finally admitted that he is entertained.

That was one wild ride.

"Where is Jon Battle-Born?" I cut straight to business.

"Fufufu! Mortal, you are truly persistent? Shouldn’t you take a reward first?"

"A reward?"

"Yes, you entertained me, and I promise you one. Now tell me, what do you desire?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Exactly what you heard, mortal."

"Well, it sounds so suspicious!"

"Exactly. And you are not leaving without desiring anything and take it out with you."

"Dammit! Another one of your mind games."

"HA! You are truly very wary of manipulation... now tell me and hurry up and decided. I hate indecision! Or maybe I don’t. Make up your mind, or I’ll have your skin made into a hat... one of those arrowcatchers. I love those hats!"

This guy never stopped playing mind games with me and I always avoided him, now he is pushing me into a corner.

Dammit!

On one round, the bet was my life and I barely survived. The other round, he kept betting on my members and I was fighting with my all and now... he wants me to wish for something I am going to regret later.

The idiom said "Be careful what you wish for" But I am sure taking a wish from Sheogorath always backfired splendidly.

Fine... how about this?

"Then allow me to call you ’Uncle Sheo’ from now on."

"..."

Sheogorath froze... like for real, he froze. Haskill too, the guards, the fires on the candles, the weather itself stopped.

"You... You..." Sheogorath’s hand trembled, "You... NEPHEW?"

It started raining outside all of a sudden and Sheogorath was still in shock.

<You have acquired the [Agent of Sheogorath]!>

"Oh for fuck’s sake!"

~~~~~~~~~~

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