Depthless Hunger

Libraries had never been Zae Zin Nim's natural habitat. Of course the Brightwind Sect had a huge archive, including many techniques in addition to histories, volumes of poetry, and family records. But those were for scribes and junior members, not her. When she needed something, someone of less importance would go fetch it for her.

Thus when she'd found out that she'd be primarily confined to the library in Traeton, she hadn't been pleased. The logic that they needed to stay together was sound, certainly, so she figured she'd find a corner and simply cultivate the entire time.

To her surprise, reading proved to be remarkably absorbing. Now that there wasn't a highly polished path set before her, she needed to learn so much more. The cultivation texts in Rosemount might not be as sophisticated as those from home, but she found a great many that made her reflect on the fundamentals of her own practice. There were, perhaps, some details that she had not fully considered.

Most of her reading, however, involving looking forward to new advancements in arts she didn't fully understand. She was cultivating an increasing amount of yin chakra that had yet to actually join her power, just waiting for the proper rituals and outlet. Choosing that could be as important as choosing her original path, and since she hadn't actually chosen that...

Rosemount certainly had expertise on chakra, and the Commonwealth appeared to have extra focus on pure chakra arts. The trouble, to be blunt, was how lewd so many of the different abilities were. For Zae Zin Nim, dual cultivation was not a matter to be discussed freely, just like all matters of the bedroom. Yet here they wrote entire books on it complete with pictures that made her heat up if she looked at them for too long. Which she did not.

Just as with qi, chakra artists understood the duality of male and female, yang and yin. For her entire life she had been building up that femininity, which meant she carried an abundance of yin energy. That might benefit her in many ways, but it had to be preserved carefully.

There were actually shocking techniques she'd never considered. She read about something called the "Eternal Yin" where a woman renounced her sexuality and it became impossible for her to ever lose yin energy. Instead she became something that was feminine and yet not really a woman, a being that retreated further from humanity as she advanced. There was also an Eternal Yang, though she struggled to believe that men would ever choose such a thing.

When she had been younger and terrified of men who wanted to possess her, that option might have appealed to her. Now, however, she finally had a man that she wanted to share her life with. In theory they could dual cultivate, sharing yin and yang so that both benefited, but it required special techniques. And now she had no choice but to learn. What had always terrified her was having a partner who took everything and gave nothing, using her as a human cauldron to generate yin energy. The perverse thing about cultivating her femininity - and it did seem perverse now that she thought about it - was that the further she advanced the more of a target she made herself. For a woman like her, every man was a potential demon.

She was relieved to read that mutually beneficial dual cultivation wasn't difficult. Indeed it was closer to the default, though apparently doing it efficiently was challenging. The details of qi flow were fascinating and the physical details were mortifying, but she needed to understand both for the future.

According to most of the books on Rosemount, which contradicted what she'd been taught, virginity itself was less important than the first sharing of yin or yang. Apparently the initial release of that stored energy could be explosive, far more powerful than ordinary dual cultivation. That meant that she and Kai couldn't simply give in to carnal feelings, they needed to prepare and do everything properly.

Figuring out what exactly that meant was more of a challenge. She had been told what a dutiful girl should do, but especially now that she had so much yin chakra along with her qi, she thought that other techniques could be even more potent. The trouble was that there were just so many.

Of course she didn't spend all her time on such matters. In part because there was so much else she needed to do, and in part because she refused to let the librarians or anyone else catch her reading such obscene material. However, she did find it strangely relieving to open this box that for so long had been labeled as humiliating and inappropriate.

Weeks into her research, she stumbled across a dual cultivation technique that was so preposterous it left her spluttering. There was no choice anymore - she had to ask.

Zae Zin Nim clutched the book to her stomach so it wasn't obvious and returned to Omilaena. She always stayed within range of the other woman just in case one of the demons decided to attack. That could be troublesome at times, as Omilaena moved all around the library in strange patterns. Then again, it had also brought her to many sections she would never have found on her own.

For a moment she hesitated, watching Omilaena and wondering what the other woman was trying to research. Half of her time seemed to be doing work for the library, but she was also using it to track down something more esoteric. It didn't seem like there was any single book that would contain the answer, it was more like a truth scattered across many.

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"What are you researching?" Zae Zin Nim asked. When she looked over Omilaena's shoulder, the book contained a diagram of the human body, but unlike all the shameful drawings Zae Zin Nim had seen recently, this one was clearly solely anatomical.

"I'm trying to figure out Physique." Omilaena was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't even look up. "The diagram I found, and most systems of the world, have Physique as a separate source of power. But virtually everything overlaps with it - even the most spiritual cultivation changes the body."

"Is that surprising? We can hardly take action without having some effect on our bodies."

"But what's the fundamental Physique that's distinct from it all? Every power or skill in the world includes techniques, but no one claims that 'Technique' is a meaningful category on its own." Omilaena finally sat back and rubbed her eyes. "It might be fruitless. I want to believe that if I can understand this piece, I can distinguish the other categories too, but there's no guarantee I'm right."

"I see."

"Alright, I can see you want to ask something. What is it?"

"Do..." Zae Zin Nim took a deep breath and then opened the book to the page she'd seen. "Do m-men really enjoy this s-sort of thing?"

Omilaena stared at her for a second, and it looked like she was going to laugh, but she swallowed her reaction with some effort. "Some do. I see you're getting into the dual cultivation books."

"It is prudent and necessary because of my yin chakra." Zae Zin Nim looked one more time and then closed the book so she didn't have to think about such things. "I've stored up so much yin energy, this is a great opportunity for me. I need to use it carefully."

"You're aware of other options?"

"Like the Eternal Yin or subsuming the energy myself? Yes, but that is... is not what I seek."

It was always difficult to read Omilaena's face. At first it had been because she lied so constantly and easily, but things had shifted between them. There were hidden depths in the other woman's eyes, as if she was always holding something back. Could she not understand these sorts of vulnerable emotions? At least she wasn't mocking or teasing too much.

"Useful or fun as all that might be," Omilaena said with a slight smile, "it's a distraction. You intend to fuse your gathered chakra and all your yin energy into a new capacity. That's a good choice. But what do you want to gain from that capacity?"

"Strength." She was surprised at how immediately she answered, but she had come up with her answer amid all of the more salacious reading. "I know soft martial arts that are most effective at damaging internal organs, but we have met many opponents who are resistant. I can already strike at a distance with qi, and my mana defends me, so I want chakra to make me stronger up close."

"That's tactically sound, too." Omilaena lunged so fast that Zae Zin Nim almost flinched, but she was just grabbing a book from a high shelf. Her expression was less ambiguous now, more engaged. "Look at this for an example. In the Coiled Empire they have a ritual where a lamia advances from 'girl' to 'woman' and it results in a large increase in strength. I doubt you'll want that one, but it's an example."

"I see." It seemed to be from a very different culture, but at least this ritual wasn't so explicit.

"If your goal is strength, you could try using yang to reinforce yin. That might sound like nonsense, but take a look at this..."

Zae Zin Nim naively took the book and promptly gasped. The diagram had not two but three people. "That... it... it isn't dual cultivation if there aren't two people!"

Omilaena raised an eyebrow. "That's why we call them tantric arts, and even some on Cloudspire refer to shared or partner cultivation for the same reason. I see you haven't gotten too far into the books."

Trying to get her blush under control, Zae Zin Nim shrank back. Omilaena was smiling a little at her expense, but something in her eyes was strange. At least it wasn't predatory... it occurred to Zae Zin Nim that Omilaena had completely stopped that sort of teasing after she'd shared her fear of being used as a human cauldron. That was kinder and more understanding than she had expected.

"If you want to be all virginal and monogamous, we could always aim big." Omilaena flipped through another book and then showed her a page that was, surprisingly, not anything inappropriate. "This place is called the Kama Altar. One of the great artifacts of the Commonwealth, built to work with yin and yang energy. If you have enough preparation, you could get the strength you want here."

According to the text, this altar might be exactly what she needed. It would require her to provide the chakra training, but the result would be vastly amplified. And it seemed to help both partners, so Kai would also benefit. This thought pulled her back to everything else she'd seen and Zae Zin Nim forcefully shoved those thoughts away.

Instead she looked at Omilaena and, after much hesitation, decided to ask the question that had been on her mind. "Why are you so dismissive of love and... all of that? Didn't you ever want to give your yin gift to someone you loved?"

"I was a girl when it was taken from me." Omilaena's voice wasn't emotional, wasn't flat, wasn't anything - she might as well have remarked that it was raining. "Not an exploitative cultivation situation like you fear, just because I was a slave and I didn't have a choice. Some people might think that means I don't have value, but frankly I'm skeptical of theirs."

"Oh..." Zae Zin Nim wondered briefly if this could be another lie, but she didn't want to believe that Omilaena would lie about something like that. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

"Eh." Even though Omilaena shrugged, now Zae Zin Nim was fairly sure that it was an affectation. There was deeper pain in her, not simply this but more than she'd only brushed up against. "It's in the past. Just maybe ease off on the usual Cloudspire talk, alright?"

"I don't... I don't think you're any lesser because of what happened to you, Omilaena. I hated you at first, but I... actually like you now. I'm glad we met you."

The words seemed heavier than they should have been for reasons she couldn't put into words. Zae Zin Nim stared at the other woman, wondering if she'd said the right thing. So many things in the world were so much more complex than she'd believed. This was all more than she wanted to deal with, but just like all the threats against them, they couldn't retreat.

"I'm glad too." Omilaena's mask suddenly disappeared, or perhaps was replaced, by a more usual grin. "Now, if you want to talk about chakra cultivation, why don't we make some real plans?"

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