Depthless Hunger

Technically there were still multiple deadlines looming over them. The demons were plotting war, Zae Zin Nim's father was hunting for her, and the monster incursion was less than five years away. Technically he needed to push as hard as he could to try to gain the strength to stand up against the unfathomably powerful warriors he'd seen at the Frontier.

But it was a long way to the capital and they didn't need to rush there. For almost a month, Kai felt like a normal human being.

Of course, in this company that meant a lot of training, including stopping at times to purchase materials or test themselves. They still had over a million Crests from the Thunderbird and Omilaena's work, so they could afford to buy reasonably expensive chakra that matched their styles. But it felt like a vacation, because instead of rushing toward an advancement they desperately needed, they were free to round out some of their abilities that had been neglected.

Zae Zin Nim continued to cultivate at times, but she began putting more work into her Coldfire Corona again and he offered all the help he could, even though she had far passed the point he'd reached with Classes. He also continued to train Omilaena in Physique, though she spent less time on it because she was trying to consolidate her gains as a Lethal Artisan.

Both of them in turn helped him develop his qi and chakra. He worked up to nearly 100 in free-floating chakra, and though it wasn't worth anything yet, Omilaena said it would be a good basis for the Savage Heart or any other chakra art he pursued. Zae Zin Nim helped him get back on track with cultivation and he made real progress in the Body Refinement stage.

That progress came with little new power, however, and that led to a much longer conversation about cultivation. He finally confirmed his theories about how limited paths would have less Power at a given stage and then struggle to advance again. Growth while on a plateau apparently varied slightly by path, but wasn't a concern. Apparently she expected that to be doubly true for him, since his monstrous nature kept consuming cultivated qi in order to strengthen him.

Only his Physique seemed to be stuck, still at D-3. But with so many other potential paths, he didn't mind so much. Hopefully now that they were exploring the Commonwealth he would find new techniques instead of spending all his time grinding upward.

When he was occupied the two women were plenty busy, on their own and with one another. Omilaena and Zae Zin Nim seemed to be spending a lot of time discussing Physique, helping on one hand and advising on the other. Zae Zin Nim had some sort of concern about her Blackblood Physique not being completely resolved and something to do with yin energy. It all seemed very personal, so he didn't eavesdrop.

Even when they weren't training, whether it was eating, traveling, or resting, it was a pleasure to be with the two of them. Despite all the deadlines driving him forward, part of Kai wished they could just keep going on like this forever. Even given all the hard work, it felt like the easiest path.

One night they stopped underneath a beautiful sky gleaming with stars and took a while to enjoy it. Omilaena had gone down to build a fire and prepare something special for dinner, leaving Kai with Zae Zin Nim in the diamond star, just relaxing under the sky. There was no need to say anything, since the silences had grown comfortable, but after a time she spoke up.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you against the demon," she said quietly. "I have all this power as an Earth Soul, but I still haven't... I used to think power was its own reward. Now I feel... unless I can use it to help someone who matters to me..."

"It's alright, you have nothing to apologize for." Kai gave her a reassuring smile, which she eventually returned, and they enjoyed the stars for a while longer.

Then, all at once, Kai realized that he was being an idiot. It was just like when he'd been a teenager and hadn't understood that a fellow hunter trainee was interested in him until days later, except this time he was years older and should have known better.

Back when Zae Zin Nim had invited him to the arena, he'd taken her justifications at face value. He should have seen the obvious: that was her shy way of asking him to go somewhere to spend time with her.

After her dramatic statement that she cared about him, back in the Elven Wilds, he had been waiting for her to follow up and been a little disappointed that she hadn't. Now he saw how mistaken he was. He was used to forthright Goralian women, and honestly he'd let them initiate in most cases. But Zae Zin Nim was from Cloudspire, which some very strong views on gender roles, so of course she was never going to do that.

Was she sitting over there, waiting for him to move things forward? Resting beneath the stars was a romantic location, and she might even have made an attempt with her apology. Part of him still couldn't believe a woman would be interested in him, but this was Zae Zin Nim, he knew her too well to fall into that old trap.

"I had a good time at the arena with you," he said eventually. The way she perked up strongly supported his theory. "Sorry that I basically ran out to chase the Savage Heart warrior."

"No, I completely understand. It could be very important for your cultivation."

"If we travel through another city with an arena, do you want to go again?"

"I would like that." Zae Zin Nim smiled shyly. "I was dismissive in Yulthens, but I enjoyed watching the fight with you. People on Cloudspire tend to just focus on who's the most powerful, but you always try to have interesting things to say."

"Good." The pause stretched, but Kai didn't leave it there. "People on Cloudspire do a lot of things differently, so I'm sure I've made some mistakes."

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"That's okay. I know you're a barbarian." She said it with enough affection that there was no doubt what she meant. Kai smiled briefly, but then he turned to face her fully.

"Zae Zin Nim... you said that you cared for me, and you asked me to wait for you to reach Earth Soul. Did I misunderstand what you meant by that? I know you've had a lot of cultivators chase after you, so if it sounds like I'm-"

"No!" Zae Zin Nim seemed startled by her own outburst and shrank back. "No, I... you understood. I want to... to spend my life with you. But it's just so difficult to know what that means."

"How is it difficult?" Kai reached out to take her hand and she shivered a little, but didn't pull away.

"If we were back at home, marriage would mean getting approval from my father. That obviously can't happen now. To be honest... I always thought I wouldn't have a choice. There would be an arranged marriage, or some cultivator would push me down, or... so I'm not sure what to do. You're so different from... in a good way, I mean. Sorry, am I babbling?"

Kai shook his head and tried to keep himself from grinning too much. She was obviously struggling with a lot of emotions, but the fact that she was thinking about things in terms of marriage finally resolved that confusion. It hadn't been a mistake to bring all of this up. Zae Zin Nim wouldn't meet his gaze, but her hand squeezed his tightly.

"We don't have to decide right now if you don't want," he told her. "Even if we're relaxed now, we're actually in a lot of danger in the Commonwealth, and there might be a war coming."

"That's true. It seems a... terrible time for personal matters."

"But I'm glad we're finally talking this out. We've spent a long time traveling together but not really talking, haven't we?"

She nodded vigorously. "I'm terrible with this sort of thing. I'm glad we talked too."

"Then..." Kai turned to face her fully and put his other hand over hers. Her dainty fingers disappeared within his hands, yet he still felt their softness. "May I kiss you?"

"Oh..." Zae Zin Nim blushed and he thought she might flee, but then she closed her eyes and leaned forward, closer to him. She stayed there, clearly waiting.

So he leaned forward and finally kissed her. At first her lips were frozen, almost as if in shock, then she began to kiss back. Clumsily but eagerly, and her other hand reached up to grasp his wrist. She started to lean closer... and then suddenly pulled back.

"I... that was my first kiss." She reached up to touch her lips. "I'm happy, but I'm also... I don't know what to say..."

"We don't have to say anything." Kai gently stroked her hand but otherwise kept his distance.

"It's just... for years and years everyone shouted at me that this sort of thing was vulgar and crude, and only filthy women could ever... I want to, but I'm also scared..."

"We don't need to move so quickly."

Zae Zin Nim grabbed his hand with both of hers and drew it up between them, very seriously. "But I don't want you to grow impatient with me! I know you're a man, and men have needs. I told you not to go with Lady Ceryyn and offered nothing. I'm afraid if I keep being so fearful, you'll get bored and... and..."

"Never." Kai gently kissed the back of her hand and then let go. "You want to become an immortal, right?"

"Of course." She blinked at him, her embarrassment interrupted by what was to her a very simple question.

"I never expected anything like that, but I guess I'm on the same path. If we're really going to live for an eternity... why rush?"

"Oh..." For a moment her eyes seemed to melt, then Zae Zin Nim pulled back and was her more reserved self again. "Thank you, Kai. You don't know how happy I am now. But I... I need more time to think..."

"Always." He smiled at her one more time, then she leapt over the side and disappeared with a whisper of robes.

Had he just initiated a relationship conversation and not fucked everything up? Kai thought he had and decided to chalk it up to luck or good fortune. On the other hand, maybe that was a terrible idea, given what fate tended to do to him.

He wasn't exactly overwhelmed with emotion like Zae Zin Nim, just relief, but he was left with a lot of restless energy. For so long he'd thought that she wasn't interested and felt guilty about any personal thoughts. Now he had much less justification to shove them away. With her he'd been entirely romantic, but on his own the wait felt like it would be painful.

To distract himself he took the diamond star back down to the ground. Zae Zin Nim appeared to have gone off on her own, so it was just Omilaena finishing the meal. She was rapping her fingernails against the spit and humming something, but when he drew close she stopped.

"This is far less romantic," she said, "but I want you to know I'm in the ring too."

"What?" Kai spluttered out the word even though he understood. Just when life was seeming simpler again, he got hit with this? "I'm not going to fu-"

"It isn't like that, not this time." Omilaena stepped closer, almost touching his chest, but there was no seduction in her eyes in that moment. "I've been alone for so long, I never thought someone would travel the same path. But I want us to stay together, with everything that means."

"You heard our conversation and this is the tack you decide to take?"

"You've already rejected me physically multiple times, and would you believe me if I whispered honey words?" Omilaena tilted her head to one side, but her examination looked desperate instead of clinical. "Let me say this: I want our lives to be the same. Our interests would be the same, no manipulating one another. I think there's part of my heart still alive enough to really love, and I want to offer you everything I have left. That's all I have."

Kai groaned and ran his hands through his hair. "And you decide to spring this on me now?"

"What, would you prefer I wait until the two of you advance to holding hands in public?"

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

"Deadly." Omilaena's eyes still hadn't shifted even slightly, but now she turned to put one hand on her hip. "I'm not a fragile flower whose emotions will be crushed if you refuse. If I've burned this bridge or you want nothing else to do with me, you can just tell me to fuck off."

He opened his mouth but found he couldn't say anything. His first reaction was to cling to all the warm emotions with Zae Zin Nim, since the two of them had been traveling together for so long. That sort of romance was certainly what he'd often been seeking with others. And yet Omilaena had been with them for a long time too, supporting even when she had no need for them.

For all that she could tease and deceive, he didn't think that the loneliness he saw in her was false. To his surprise, he had a strong urge to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. Omilaena wouldn't be comforted by romantic words, but she did need comfort. And yet...

"Let's not do this now," Kai said. "I just... there's always the chance we could all die tomorrow, and everything is a mess." Maybe once they were out of the chaos, everything would seem clearer.

"If you insist." Omilaena shrugged and turned away, though he saw something else in her eyes.

After struggling with so many questions, Kai put them out of his mind and just moved forward. Other than Zae Zin Nim smiling at him more often, their journey continued as if none of it had happened. Yet he couldn't pretend that it hadn't, that his heart wasn't twisted into knots.

And so he just kept going forward, looking to neither side.

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