Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

It took me around five minutes or so to find Richter and coax some healing out of him.

He had some… terse words for me. When I was capable of thinking straight, my mind immediately went to the events prior.

I pulled the strange golden disc out of my pocket and looked it over. It was gorgeous, of divine workmanship, and the glowing gem in the center was still missing.

So I hadn’t imagined it…

I glanced back at the prompt I’d received.

Milestone Gained!

For defeating one of the eight Gods of Erd in a game, you have completed a Milestone. Please choose from one of the four following Abiltiies.

My head was still swimming even after Richter’s ministrations, and I activated [Flash of Insight] to help me focus. That Milestone… And what Birch had said… ‘My luck be with you’... Birch… Barck…

No.

THAT was the bet!? The bet I’d been anticipating for three years!?! A random game of coins!?! Where was my devil at the crossroads with a golden violin!? Where was my death defying contest of skill and chance!? AND WHY WAS HE A HONEYPOT!?

Oh Gods. Bando. What was I going to tell him? ‘Sorry you got jilted by your date, she would’ve been a Godly lay?’

AGH!!!!

Wait, did that mean I’d just won my soul back!? Had the glowing gem been my soul or just a representation of it?

Had Drum CHOKED ON MY SOUL!?

What if he’d swallowed!?! Would I be fishing my soul out of his…

I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

Calm, Pete. Calm.

Just add it to the pile for therapy with Aqua next week. It’ll be a very entertaining session.

I took the time as Berry finished her set to check over the Abilities I’d been promised. They were, obviously, pretty nice.

Possible Milestone: [Lucky Break]!

You are a lucky soul and everything always seems to go your way.

This Ability will massively increase your luck for a single moment.

This Ability can be used once per day. It will activate automatically in times of great need.

Accept [Lucky Break]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Godbotherer]!

You’ve spoken to Gods multiple times, and even ruined their plans. Why stop now?

This Ability allows you to ask a single question of one of the Gods and have it answered.

This Ability can be used once per month.

Accept [Godbotherer]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Gamblin’ Dwarf]!

You bet more in one pot than most people do in their entire lives. Increases your luck by a small amount when playing games of chance.

This Ability is always available and can be turned on or off.

Accept [Gamblin’ Dwarf]?

Yes/No

Possible Milestone: [Iron Constitution]!

You’ve used your tolerance for alcohol to great effect, and probably will again in the future.

This Ability increases your Vitality by 4 for the purpose of resisting the effects of poisons.

This Ability is always available and can be turned on or off.

Accept [Iron Constitution]?

Yes/No

Some very nice things there.

Yesiree, very nice indeed.

I could take Godbotherer and go bother Barck once a month. Seemed a waste, but what a cool party trick. The Gods could make themselves visible in space, right? That’d totally happened when I’d been floating around the sea of stars with Barck. Imagine telling your friends “hey, look outside, I’m gonna show you something neat” and then a freaking GOD was hanging in the sky.

Neat, neat, neat.

I immediately went and selected [Lucky Break] instead, because I kept almost dying. Anything that reduced that chance was fine by me.

I checked my Minimap. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary on it right now, but just in case I ticked on the various filters I had available. Nope. Nothing. And it made it impossible to read the map – this place was a sea of people. I turned the general races back off and made sure monsters were still on. Why had Barck said to keep an eye on it? That didn’t bode well…

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

As I finished looking at my map, my attention was drawn to a sudden lull in the noise.

Lord Harmsson was now center stage, leaning on his cane. He was flanked on either side by two dwarves that I didn’t recognize, a grey bearded dwarf in black and silver armor with a grey armband and a steely blonde-bearded dwarfess in similar attire.

The silence spread through the garden until you could hear beer slosh.

Harmsson raised a Whistlemug in one hand and his voice echoed as it bounced off tombstones and pong tables. “Countrydwarves! Please join me in a toast! For Crack and Kinshasa!”

“FOR CRACK AND KINSHASA!”

“And for the King!”

“FOR THE KING!”

There was a mighty CHUG as thousands of dwarves drank as one.

Harmsson looked over the crowd, and then gestured in my general direction. “I want to thank our hosts, The Thirsty Goat and Riverside Brewery. This has been an incredible event! Our fine city, and all the new [Brewers] sprouting up in Crack have much to thank them for!”

I felt a warm tingle in my heart and the crowd cheered again. Some of the surrounding dwarves smacked me on the back. I knew it was a bit of confirmation bias – anyone who hated us probably wasn’t here – but it still felt good to know that we’d touched so many lives.

“I am Lord Thad Harmsson,” he continued. “Even if you don’t know who I am, I know you! I’ve worked tirelessly all my life for the good of this city! I was the one who instituted the immigration retraining reforms! I was the noble responsible for the traffic improvements last year! I was the one who brought water to Yellowwall and organized repairs after the Shaleshark attack! I love this city, and I want to see it succeed as the shining jewel of western Crack! ”

There were grateful mutters around the room, and calls of “CHEERS!”, and “YER THA BEST!”, and “GIT ON WITH IT!” rang out.

Harmsson’s cheerful face turned thundery. “And all that time I watched while City Hall grew fat on your taxes! While the High Lords in Whitewall squandered the salt of our brows and our dungeon! The Council of Greybeards and the High Nobility are a plague upon this city, and this country! They allow monsters to run rampant, brigands to stalk the hills, and honest dwarves to die starving and beerless in the gutter!”

The muttering turned angry and I felt sweat bead on my brow. That was not the script! This was supposed to be a speech celebrating the Octamillenial and the various contests; for Harmsson to push his Grand Charter and improvements for gnomes! A plea for peaceful reforms! He’d sent me the speech to review yesterday!

I knew slimy politicians couldn't be trusted!

I glowered as I scanned the room for Annie. We'd been prepared for trouble, so let's make it double.

Harmsson’s finger lanced out, this time singling out Duke Barnes and his group. His eyes were burning embers. Duke Barnes stood tall, his chin high as he glared right back.

“And wouldn’t you know it? Some of those same High Nobles are here tonight! Duke Barnes and two of the Council! They came to speak to me, and so I hoped for a second chance at peace! But instead, they tried to weaken my resolve! To betray my brothers and sisters of Kinshasa for my own gain!”

Tourmaline began to shout, “LIE-”, but the Duke covered her mouth with a flash of movement. His face was stone. The two cloaked dwarves beside him tried to break away, but the crowd pushed them back.

The atmosphere in the garden began to thicken with a feeling I recognized in my gut. It was the tang of battle, of dwarven hearts beating as the Red Rage grew within them. I could feel it rising within myself in response and tamped it down.

It was time to activate our contingency plans. I finally spotted Annie about a hundred meters away with the rest of the Goat crew. Her face was white and she’d pulled out one of the emergency Commstones we’d bought for contacting our hired Adventurers.

I let out a relieved breath. It'd cost a pretty penny, but I wasn't letting a repeat of the Redlip Riot happen on my watch.

I glanced at my Minimap and ticked through all my filters. Still nothing. I smirked as our hired adventuring parties began filtering into the room. They moved through the crowd with purpose… in the wrong direction? They weren’t moving towards Harmsson, but the Duke. Several teams spread out to contain the crowd, all of them wearing grey armbands. My heart dropped as I saw Sam and Drum among them.

My hand crept into my pocket as I felt the first pangs of nervousness. My fingers brushed the reassuring edges of contingency number two.

I really didn't want to activate contingency number two.

“It just so happens that five hundred of my hand picked dwarves are here right now.” Harmsson declared as random dwarves throughout the garden began tying grey armbands to their biceps. “You will recognize them by their armbands! They are grey, like the simple stone that forms the foundation of Crack! Let the nobles have their fragile Gold and Silver; we are bedrock!”

“BEDROCK!” The grey-banded dwarves all shouted at once.

“But for all of you! The fine people of Kinshasa! Today will be a joyous day! I encourage you to continue drinking in celebration, while we deal with these traitors to the fine folk of Kinshasa! We are tired of waiting for the King to do the right thing and hear our pleas! We are tired of the Council of Greybeard’s tyranny! Today we will usher in a revolution!”

His grey armbaded compatriots raised their weaponry and shouted in unison. “REVOLUTION!”

I took a deep breath and pulled my hand out of my pocket. Okay, if that was the way he was playing it, maybe everything would stay peaceful for all us uninvolved folk.

But… Tourmaline. She was here, and she definitely didn't count as uninvolved. And revolutions that started with armbands historically never turned out good. My eyes were drawn to Tourmaline and the Duke.

The Duke was… laughing.

His chuckles reverberated in the sudden quiet. “You were right, Harmsson! Tonight was about second chances!” His voice was so loud I had to cover my ears. “A pity you chose yourself over your ideals! And it might’ve worked, but for one thing! You were too willing to work with opportunists, and opportunists can be swayed with opportunity.”

Harmsson’s eyes narrowed as he glanced over at one of his two lieutenants, the grey bearded dwarf. The lieutenant swore, and mouthed something that looked like ‘blackbeard’.

Suddenly, light flared as spells activated overhead. The sound of pounding footsteps came from all around us and the ground rumbled. As my eyes adjusted to the light I could see rank and file of steel armoured city troops charging to surround the garden. They poured in from every alley, every street, an entire army.

The Duke looked up at Harmsson with a smug sneer. “By order of the Council of Greybeards,. everyone here is under arrest! What say you, Harmsson?”

Harmsson sneered back. “I already said it, Barnes. REVOLUTION!”

“REVOLUTION!”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. An entire revolution? At this time of the year, at this time of the day, in this part of Kinshasa, localized entirely within my beerfest?

As the two sides launched into battle, I activated the runestone in my pocket, and ducked under a nearby table as contingency number two went live.

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