Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

The next two weeks were nearly the slowest since I’d arrived in Erd. I took Aqua’s advice seriously, and put extra effort into talking to the team about my past. About my family, and the home I’d left behind. Richter was by far the most interested, and fell in love with Earth science. He wanted to know more about concepts like relativity, dark matter, and the periodic table. I told him that Erd physics worked completely differently, but he still thought there were parallels that could be explored.

In my off time I continued to work on my gluten transformation spell. As soon as it was complete, I’d start on some kind of a fireball spell, swear to Gods.

I continued to take weekly therapy from Aqua. We talked about my past, what I found easiest in this new world, and what I found hardest. Where my frustrations lay and what I wanted to change the most about myself. We also revisited my memories, both from Earth and from here. I was surprised how much fear I had in my early memories of Erd. My months in the reform mine were especially clouded with rage and terror. And not all of it was gone either. I was still angry at the cancer for taking me from my family, at Barck for dropping me into the shitter, at the Guild for their sabotage and ham-fisted throttling of beer, at goat shit for existing.

Yup. I really needed that therapy!

We finally brought Rosie and Darrel into the fold, but only after they agreed to keep it a secret from Bando. It would probably hurt when he found out that everyone in the tavern knew this great big secret except him, but he just was too big of a liability. Besides, old dwarves were used to keeping secrets from young dwarves, so it wasn’t that out of the ordinary. Rosie didn’t even find the news surprising. She claimed it was pretty much impossible to keep secrets from the person washing your underwear.

Annie blushed when she said it.

Which brought us to mid-afternoon the day before the release of our Dragonator. When Berry walked through the door with an elf on her arm.

Or rather, her on an elf’s shoulder, given the height disparity. With Joseph nearly the size of a human, and Berry rather short for a gnome, it was kind of hilarious. She was practically hanging on his arm like a koala.

“Berry.” I nodded at her and gave a closed fist bow to Joseph. “Ambassador.”

“Pete.” Berry nodded back. “Were you planning on inviting us to the release of your brew? It’ll be soon, won’t it? We’ve barely spoken at all for a couple months.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been busy, you’ve been busy, and tha general consensus was that tyin’ ourselves together at the hip could have consequences fer you or me depending on who we pissed off.”

Berry bristled. “I can handle myself.”

Joseph patted her shoulder. “He’s just being careful, love. Hello Peter.”

Berry’s defensiveness evaporated, and she glanced up – and up – at him with an adoring smile. “If you say so, Jo.”

Oho! What was this!

I waggled my eyebrows at Berry and she shot back a challenging glare. “Joseph, I have some stuff to talk to Pete about. Do you mind?”

Joseph shrugged. “I’ll grab a seat and a snack. The Goat always has the best food. Has Bran decided on what he’s doing for the cooking contest?”

I nodded. “Aye. He’s releasin’ it at tha same time as our beer. It’s delicious, but tha name…”

“Is it better than his last one?” Joseph asked with a snicker.

“No…”

Berry laughed. “What was it, again? Bran’s Giant Salty Sausage?”

“Bran’s Big Ol’ Salty Beef.” I frowned. “His new one is worse. You’ll see it when it comes out.”

The pair sniggered together at my discontent and I rolled my eyes. “Okay Berry, I seem to have nothin’ but time recently, so come on in and chat.”

Joseph grabbed a seat at the bar, while I took Berry to the office and settled in.

“How did your presentation to the mages go?” I asked, as I called an elemental over and asked for hot water for tea.

“It went great!” Berry beamed. “I’ve been given an honorary diploma in magical studies for it! They’ve sent a small cadre of mages to work in the band; they provide magical effects and I teach them my methods. I’ve been asked to do a magic demonstration at the Octamillenial Faire too!”

“Congratulations!”

“Uh huh!” Berry took her cup of tea and set it aside. “Speaking of diplomas, how’s Richter doing?”

“So far so good. He’s started his first classes, but he spent so much time studying these past few decades that he’s actually way ahead of the material. The curse of the overachiever. At least it means he has plenty of time for the brewery.”

Berry held up her teacup in a toast. “To doing the bare minimum!”

“Says the woman with the honorary diploma,” I jibed.

“Psh, it was practically free.” Berry took a sip of tea and sighed. “But that’s not what brought me here today.”

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

I gave her a go on gesture as I poured my own tea.

“I’m taking things seriously with Joseph,” she began, hesitantly. “I’ve really gotten to know him the past few months, and met others from his country. I’ve even spent some time at the Awemedinand embassy. Joseph’s kind, smart, and cares about people. He’s a good person, and I like him, but more importantly, he likes me. Not my music, not my magic – he’s not a groupie – he likes me, Berry.”

I gave her a quizzical look. “Sounds like he’s a great guy. Why are you telling me this? Bragging?”

Berry took a deep breath. “Because I plan on telling him what I am. And he’s smart enough that he’ll probably figure out that you’re the same.”

I blinked, then grinned. “Awww. Yer lookin’ out for me! Thank you!”

Berry’s eyes flashed. “Don’t patronize me, Pete! Did you even need my warning?”

She made to stand and leave, and I held out a hand. “No, no, sorry. I really do appreciate it! I’m just surprised you waited to tell me first.”

“Why? You think I’m a hot head?” Berry crossed her arms and tapped her foot angrily.

Wowee! Loaded question, Pete! Step carefully!

“Noooo,” I hazarded, “I mean more that Joseph’s a great guy, and I’m surprised you were able to hold yerself back from… hittin’... that… thang?”

“God, you’re such a boomer.” Berry rolled her eyes.

“Ugh, Gen X, thank you very much.”

“Whatever. I told you, so now I can tell him guilt free.”

I sighed. “I already figured that he knew about the Chosen, or someone he’s working with does. I’m not sure telling him will do much more than confirm it. And, you look quite sure of yourself; I’m not sure I could say anything that would change your mind.”

“Yeah, well, this is more about my conscience.”

“Oh, your God gave you a magic insect that sits on your shoulder and tells you right from wrong too?”

Berry’s eyes widened. “What? No!? You got what!?”

“Yeah, he keeps telling me I need to wish upon a star. Dunno why; I keep praying to my shrine to Brendan Fraser but nothing happens.”

Berry gave me a glower as she caught on. “You’re so weird, old man. And who the hell is Brendan Fraser?”

I gasped. “The man who defeated not one, not two, but three mummies?? The man who all testosterone deprived middle management office drones aspire to be? The Brendan Fraser??“

“Dunno ‘im. Was he as famous as Flavor Flav?”

“Who?”

Berry shook her head. “What’s the plan with your next release?”

“We’re doing a Smoking Nitro Doppelbock.”

She gave me a blank look.

I gave her a saucy look in return. “You’ll have ta see it to believe it! Have you heard about our little contest with Riverside?”

“The magic brew thing? Yeah, my new mage roadies won’t stop talking about it. Are you really having a magical brew-off?”

“Damn straight! And this brew is somethin’ magical alright.”

Berry looked out into the brewroom with interest. “Can I try one?”

“Hmmmm nope. It’s a secret. Come by our release at Whistlemop’s cart tomorrow. There’ll be a show with Dwarf Draconis and everything!”

Berry groaned. “Ugh. What’s the point of being your friend if I can’t get early free beers!?”

“Bein’ subjected to my winnin’ personality? And I’ll let ya skip the line”

She shook her head and stood to go. “It’s been real Pete. Joseph wanted to talk to you too before we leave.”

“Okay. And about telling him everything, just… be careful, okay?” There wasn’t much more I could do. I couldn’t control her, so I just had to trust her instincts. The famed rational instincts of a twenty-something in love. Sigh.

We emerged to find Joseph sitting chatting with a gigantically rotund dwarf that I immediately recognized by his booming laugh. The pair were sitting at the bar and being served by a harried looking Bando.

“Rumbob!!”

*Ho Ho Ho!* “Hello Pete! Come join us! Bring more of those pickles, lad!” The champion pro-drinker of Minnova and [Tavernic Counselor] gave me a hearty wave. With his gigantic bushy beard and ruddy face he still looked like a stubby Santa Claus.

I walked over with a huge smile on my face. “Rumbob you ol’ beer barrel! Welcome ta Kinshasa!”

“*Ho Ho Ho*! I barely made it! There’s so many folk lined up outside the city it took me a whole bloody week to get in!”

“Oof. Where’re ya stayin’?”

Rumbob looked chagrined. “Everywhere’s full, even for competitors. I was actually hopin’ you might have some space.” He gestured around the tavern. “You’ve got a nice place here!”

“Nice!? It’s downright amazing! And we can absolutely find you space. Just… not in the inn. You’ll have to stay with us in the manor. I’ll run it by Annie, but I don’t see any reason ya can’t.”

“*Ho Ho Ho!* Thanks Pete! Yer a real life saver!”

“Just lookin’ out for our best customer.” I slapped him on the back. “Have you tried any of our new beers yet?”

“Have I! Yer beers have been takin’ Minnova by storm, Pete! All but that salty brew. Not a fan of that one! *Ho ho ho*!”

“Eh, can’t please everyone, and the gose really was aimed at Kinshasa.” I turned to Joseph, who had an empty bowl of beer nuts and a half eaten pretzel in front of him. “Berry said you needed to talk to me Joseph?”

“That I do! I have news about importing beer to Awemedinand. I got permission from the consulate! All that’s left is to hammer out a contract, and we’ll be able to start importing Thirsty Goat Beer to the surface!”

*Bing!*

New Quest: Elven Influencer 1/10

Dunno how well this gonna go with just beer, to be honest.

Maybe some wine?

Elves Influenced: 300/2,500

Rewards: [Adjust Taste]

Do you accept?

Yes / No

“That’s great news!” I told the beaming elf as I accepted the quest. “I’m certain we can hash something out. But I do have a caveat.”

Joseph leaned in conspiratorially. Across the bar, Bando perked up an ear to eavesdrop with all the subtlety of a bull moose. “What were you thinking?”

I chuckled. “This’ll take a while, so you can join me in the office while Berry goes to work on Bran’s Big Ol’ Salty Beef. There’s a book I want ta distribute, and you may be the perfect person to do so.”

Person/patsy. Same difference.

Visit and read more novel to help us update chapter quickly. Thank you so much!